Put a Lid on All This Noise.

I feel so alone.

Im not sure what is going on with this life.
It seems like everyone and everything is breaking my heart.
I crave to be around people but the moment I'm surrounded I fight to get alone.
And being alone makes an even deeper craving for community.

I've been by myself for so long I'm becoming restless of my own thoughts.
I'm tired of only me knowing my inner ramblings.

I've been really calm lately.
Even in busy rushed moments.
Calmness is dwelling within.

I feel at peace.
I know everything is ok.
My body just wants me to think otherwise.


I was told this week that I'm very patient.
I think I contribute that to self control maybe?
I've been waiting for a few things for years.
I waited to move here for over 2 years.

And I think tonight I'm just getting mad at my restlessness.
Tired of telling myself it will be alright.
I'm tired of having no one to encourage me.
I'm tired of living alone.
And this is all making me restless.

I'm not sad, I'm just calmly bored.

One of my first posts written a few January's ago,
I wrote about longing for community in my life.
And that longing is still here.

Am I doing something wrong?
Or am I just getting tired of this and want to move on?

I fear that I'm such a traveler that I can't stay in one place for long.
I could be getting cabin fever of my life?
No, that's not it.

I know I belong here [all these are just thoughts]
I honestly think I'm afraid that I'll be alone forever.
This haunting thought creeps in ever so often.

I know I'm not alone, but when I'm the only one I see in the room I sure
do feel like it.

I read this awhile ago and it encouraged me to continue this narrow road I'm on.
It reminded me of my younger self [and the girl I'm becoming.]
I was such a baby when I made the choice to serve Him.
I never regret the road it's taken me down.
Not for one second.
I just need to continue to listen to His voice instead of all this noise.


"There is a certain potency to her presence that is hard to describe. She owns no property and she lives as simply as she possibly can because she committed early in her life to give everything she had to making the world the kind of place God dreams it could be. It is a joy to be with her because everything matters in her life. Nothing is swallow or trite or superficial. She's very funny and smart and compassionate- a magnificent human. Because she's been exploring her own soul for so long, she knows herself inside and out. She's at peace and it's contagious."



There's a reason for this time.
For these feelings and thoughts.
For this time alone.
Even tho it seems like it's gone on for my whole life.
When this time comes to an end, I'll be so grateful.
And my appreciation for you will be so deep.



I love you.
so much.




..

Secrets.

"I throw up to be as pretty as my friends."

"I cut myself every night."

"I want to talk to my dad but he's always high."

"I wish I would die, but I'm too scared to talk about it."

"I hook up with random guys to get over the pain from you."

"I'll never be enough."


I was talking with some coworkers the other day.
They were saying that there is a balance of good and evil in the world.
I disagreed with them and that's when the conversation got deeper.
I brought up the fact that there couldn't be a balance because everything is broken.
Nothing equals out.
Just because you do something good doesn't mean good will come to you and vice versa.

Life doesn't work that way.

He said,"if you're life is really good then something bad is bound to happen."
I asked,"who told you that?"

So if I live a life of crime doing 'bad' things I should expect something good to come to me?
they said, "umm no."
Then what do you mean?

Because good doesn't equal out the evil.
That's just life. Bad things happen and good things happen.
We suffer the consequences of our actions.

They kept trying to tell me that there is a balance.
Ya know like ying and yang.

I kept asking them where did you hear that?
Why do you believe that? Who told you that?

They didn't really have an answer.

I said you can't tell me the world is in balance.
You can't see how much this world is jacked up?
Not even in the deepest pasrt of you things aren't working right, every thing's broken!
Nobody said a word.

I looked at them and said, "So don't tell me the world is in balance. Don't stand there and lie to me! Because I know I'm broken. Nobody is working right, everyone has secrets, people lie, bad things happen, good things happen, unjust things take place everyday. There is NO balance, so stop lying to yourself to make yourself feel safe or comfortable, because I would rather believe hard reality then soft lies."

Everyone was quiet for a moment.
Tears were building in my eyes.
We talked for about an hour.
It was me vs. everyone else.

Many more things were said that were just plain WRONG and hurtful.
I walked to the back office and sat in silence.
Tears rolled down my cheeks.
I talked to God and told Him how much it hurt.
It was like a deep ache ripped open in my gut.

I couldn't believe that they would believe something that they just heard somewhere.
They didn't know what they believed, they fought back with anger and cutting words.
When I was just simply asking questions, trying to get them to really know what they believed.

I'm not shocked by this, it's expected because of the days we live in.
I was just heartbroken.

Last week at YoungLife we talked to our high school friends about secrets.
We talked about how broken and jacked up the world is.
How it got to be this way and why.
We showed them some secrets from a website called postscret.com
People send in their secrets on post cards anonymously.

Then we gave them all their own blank post card.
Every single one of them wrote something down.
We collected them at the end.

Everyone was quiet.
Some were crying.
Others didn't make eye contact as they walked out of the room.

The leaders read all 149 secrets later.
Reading the secrets was very hard and heavy.
Because I know these kids. I see them every week and these secrets were deep.

My heart has been heavy all week.
Thinking of them and their pain.
How the world is so broken.
How nothing is in balance, nothing is working right.

We are all trying to figure things out ourselves.
Every one's trying to heal themselves.
Trying not to let others find out that some thing's wrong.

When that's not the Truth.

I told a friend this week that I needed some help and advice.
I felt kind of out of control in my heart.
Things weren't right.
I was nervous for their reaction.
But I was greeted with soft eyes and a pat on my arm.

One thing we fear is that we are the only one's whose done this.
No one else would understand.
Nobody else struggles with this.

When again, that's not the Truth.


Tonight we are talking at Young Life about the healing of these secrets.
How to fix this mess we're in.
I'm very expectant. Jesus is so ready.

My heart is heavy but my spirit is light.
Good things are gonna happen.

I'm ending this with a challenge:

I want you to leave a comment with a secret of yours.
You can leave it anonymously.
I think that in doing so we will see how alike we really are instead of different.

If anything is gonna change we gotta pull together as one.
We're all in this life together and we seem to forget that.
We all were born and we're all gonna die.

If anything from this I hope that you know how loved and sought after you are.
No matter how many times I say that it is the Truth.
No matter what's happened or what you've done.
Seriously.

Praying for you precious one reading this.

goodnight.



..

I should be sleeping. I am exhausted.
But I think writing late into the night is sometimes good.
Raw emotions spilling over.

There is this girl.
Whom I have loved from the beginning.
She is so precious and in a lot of trouble.
I found out tonight that she is addict to cocaine.

I knew something was up weeks ago.
I felt it in my gut, but I didn't listen.

My first reaction was asking her close friend if she told her she loved her.
She said yes.
Good.
She needs to know how much she is loved.
Forever.
Always.
loved.
beyond this drug.
Beyond the thoughts of ending it all.
Loved in the depths of her haunting ache.

Gah, if I could I'd take her beautiful face in my hands and tell her I love her.
over and over and over.

I know it wouldn't cover over the pain or heal completely what was done.
But I know it would spark a response.
and love covers over a multitude of sin.


It's hard listening to someone who is addicted to a drug.
They lie. They bust thru protective walls as they're building a new one right beside it.

They take one step forward and twelve back.
You cannot trust their word.

She wants help but is she willing to go deep enough, be raw enough?
Learn to live for something other then this addiction?

It has made me to think.
We are the same way.
We say we want to live in true freedom.
Know real Love.
Be real.

but let's get real.
seriously.

I think freedom scares us.
True freedom.
Because nothing of this world is there.
Nothing from here to grab ahold of.
Nothing to lean on.
It is you and you are free.

There is no addiction to press into to.
our earthly comforts are taken away.
Our pain no longer is the excuse we can choose to wear.

We would rather dig our nails in deeper to the chains locked tightly around our
little wrists then break free and run.
Because the chains have been there.
They hold us tight, tighter then we ever wanted.
But they have stayed when everyone else left.

All you know is this world.
all you know is what you've experienced.
You haven't known true freedom.
You don't know the feeling of real unadulterated Love.

Because if you did, you wouldn't be in this situation.

We are only faced with letting go of the things of this world
for things of the World to come.

We know this world too well.
We know how it works.
We know that glitter rusts.
and lies are convincing.

And we continue to choose this everyday.

But when and what will it take for you to choose everything over nothing.
Nothing is what we get everyday.
No love.
No satisfaction.
No freedom.
No rest.
Nothing, yet we know this and still choose it.

It's comfortable.
It's what we know.

When will we pry our fingers off of this and onto eternity?
When??

I would rather trust Love unseen then hatred seen.
I would rather choose wild freedom then friendly chains.
I would rather believe in Words yet to be heard then beautiful lies.

I would rather choose for you.
Because I would make you choose eternity.
Love. freedom. trust.
But I cannot.

why is the most beautiful message of Love so real and freedom so deep
one of the most despised of this day?

I ask this question like I don't know.

My eyes are so heavy.
But I want to keep writing.

My heart aches for this girl.
I see how far God has taken her this far.
He will not leave her now.
there is no option for Him.
He is committed to seeing her free.

That's His desire for you.
Letting go of what you know and clinging onto the mystery of Him.

The alluring mystery of solid knowledge and deep understanding.
He is true freedom.
Everything about Him is free and wild.

And maybe it's Him who scares us.
Because you don't know Him.

You don't understand how letting go of everything and clinging to One thing
equals out.
But in letting go we get more.
More then we ever knew.

You know this.
Or you're choosing not to listen.


True Freedom is in Him.
There is no crutch or idle thought or addiction or habit.
It's Him and He is enough.



I prayed for her tonight and I felt peace.
He is enough for her.



....

I feel asleep writing this last night.
I'm going to see her today in a few hours.
She doesn't know I know yet.
I pray I have peace that passing understanding and she feels unashamed when I see her.

If you're reading this today, know that I'm praying for you.
That fear would not haunt you and peace would rule in your hearts.
knowing Him makes all the difference.
Not just knowing 'about' Him but close communion.

Tonight is going to be good.
Pray that she is willing.

..

Broken Ashes.

There was storm clouds looming overhead.
It began raining as I climbed the outside steps up to the their room.
The stairs were black iron and the music playing was filled
with darkness.
My ears were overwhelmed with the deep haunting sounds that shook my bones.
I closed my eyes as they took my hand and lead me up more steps.

I remember thinking I'll be down in just a minute.
I have to go quickly.
But I chose to keep walking.
I chose to wait a little longer.

I awoke the next day completely shocked that it was the morning.
Sadness and terror ran thru my veins.
I grabbed for my phone to try and get ahold of someone- anyone.
But it was not working.
It actually broke in two in my hand.

I ran downstairs toward the body of water that lay before me.
I covered my mouth to hide my screams.
I began weeping.
I just looked at the ocean begging for it to swallow me whole.

Someone followed me out there.
They stood in front of me.
They didn't bring comfort.
They brought blame.
Look at what you've done.
At the mess you've made.
Try and fix it now.

I looked in their eyes trying to think of something to say.
I began talking to them explaining my reasoning, my thought process.
They began laughing.
I knew it wouldn't help but I was trying to save anything I could.

I ran back to the building.
Others began to mock me.
You call yourself a leader?
Wait until they find out.
How will you explain yourself?

My words meant nothing.
My actions were all they saw.

I was filled with desperate terror.
I began apologizing.
As if that would soothe the situation.
I've lost everything.

I kept covering my mouth.
In fear that I could start screaming.
My tears didn't stop.
They kept getting worse.

I was stuck in this moment.
Nothing could help this mess.
I was alone.
I sinned.
And it was all my fault.

.

I woke up with a jerk.
There was a rain storm outside.
My entire body was tense and sweaty.
I sat up and checked my phone. I was alive.
It was a dream.
I tried to shake it off.
It was just a dream.
Relax. Calm down.
But I couldn't.

The haunting music was still ringing in my ears.
I started to cry.
I walked my hall up and down.

Oh Jesus.
I grabbed my chest and fell on my bed.

What does this mean?
What are you trying to tell me?

I was disgusted with sin.
The sin in that dream was blaring thru my mind.
How sick is it.
How destructive it is.
How it causes you to lose everything.
Nothing is sacred to sin. nothing.

And in that dream I had sinned.
And I lost everything.
I would rather of had the ocean swallow me whole then deal with what I did.
The darkness and coldness of the atmosphere in that dream was very real.


I felt weak and helpless.
I wanted to cry out to Jesus but I felt so unworthy.
So wrong.

I sat on my bed.
Trying to reassure myself of His love.
Trying to convince myself that He is listening.

I broke the silence and cried out.

I can't do this alone. I can't keep pretending. I can't keep running.
You have to stop me. You have to save me. Even tho everything inside me feels the opposite and that You could care less about the state I'm in. I have to trust that You would break my legs for my good. In order to carry me home Yourself.

I was surprised at my words.
I felt like I didn't know what I was saying.
But I felt that what I was saying was true.
I waited for a response.

Don't you see how much I love you?
I'm bringing you back.


I kept quiet.
Not wanting to trust what I know to be true.
I saw myself in the valley of ashes.
Legs broken, laying down looking at the sky.
You can't help yourself when your legs are broken.
You can't move, you can't run.
You can try to get up but it would cause even more pain.
You can only wait for someone to help you.

So here I lay in the valley with broken bones.
Learning to wait for Him to come pick me up.
And trusting Him in this pain.

I trust that He lets heartache and bone breaking moments in our life
to bring Him back to Himself.
Even tho it hurts so much.
It's a pain He can heal.
It's a pain that open eyes.
It's a pain that brings forth greater love.

Because it's all about Him.
And seeing His glory.
I want/pray to see His glory in my life.


:
You and I meet on the shores of the broken.
You swallow the ocean. I swallow my pride.
Only to see the way that I need You
Is more than I knew I ever could...

I cant help thinking
That the way that You want me
And the ghost that haunts me
Are one and the same
Cause You stand at my window
At night while I'm sleeping.
There's not a promise I'm keeping
That could ever repay You.

In between the ashes and the flames
There's a song that burns brighter
Than radio waves
About the remnants of my idols
And the shadow of my shame
About how they scatter like the rain and I can't stop crying
Cause You wont stop calling my name

Calling my name up from the ashes.


..

oh, little girl.

I feel extremely young today.
I feel as tho I'm just 'playing house'.
In this tiny little city in this precious little apartment.
With my job and my friends.

I woke up late curled up under the blankets.
I rummaged thru some clothes on the floor and threw my wavy curls up in a side bun
and headed out to find my car.
I had to park really far from my apt. last night because there was no spaces left.

I went for a drive and grabbed some vanilla chai on the way, listened to some good music, received a phone call from a good friend and made plans for tonight.

Now I sit here, with my chai and music playing as I think about what's really going on.
I know I question that often, "what's really going on?"

I think I've always wanted to know the answer to that.
Because so many times we are blind to Reality.

Why is this happening?
Why are they acting this way?
Where am I going?
What's the point or purpose in this?
Is it ok that I reacted that way?
Should I of said that?

Am I acknowledging the unseen?

There's so much going on behind the scenes.
Do we ever stop and try to look.
Do we want to really even know?

There's so many curtains to look behind,
so many doors to open.
Are we willing to open them all?

I heard them talking,
they wanted to send her to rehab.
But her mom said, no.
"I don't want to deal with my own demons."

How selfish.

We so easily want to see into other people's lives.
We think we know what's best for them.
We want to help them confront their own demons.

But have you even looked at yourself.
Honestly.

I want to give my best to someone.
And we can't do that if we are intimidated of what's going on in our own lives.

Why are we so afraid.
Why do we let fear hold us back?
What are you really scared of?
Are we willing to go that deep?

I am willing.
I do want to go that deep.
Bust thru the doors of the unknown and see what is going on.

These are things I think about often.
Am I being selfish in my own issues?
Am I holding someone else back from their true Freedom by my own fear of
not wanting to see what this could bring about in my life?

Does that even make sense?

I trust that Jesus knows me.
Thank God.
Because I often times feel like a jumbled mess of words and thoughts.
Do you ever feel that way too?

I am confident in His love for us.
& that beings me much comfort.

With everybody telling us how to act and what to think and who to believe.
I just want to know One thing.
And that's Him.


Until that day when He will reveal everything to everybody,
I'll love Him and serve others.
And try not to get in the way.

Even tho that sounds much easier said then done
I'll try my best.

We all deserve the best of each other.
He gave us life to live it fully.
Full.
to the overflowing brim of true Reality.

so let's live it.
To the best, the most healthy, to the full.

Get beat up by life, get worn out, give yourself fully in confidence
of Him dwelling inside you.

Go so deep that you're falling into the depths of the Unknown.
Because we are known by the Unknown.
and above all we are loved.
so there is no fear in it all.

Go as far to finally find the answer to,
What's really going on.


..

Where are you?

You're suppose to be here tonight.
I'm a little angry but really I'm just stuck in a little pity party.

I made a poor attempt at hanging curtains in my apartment.
I bought all I needed, had to borrow an electric drill, got all my screws and tape measures and nails and whatever.

I talked with the man at Home Depot and he told me specifically that these screws are what I needed. I told him I didn't think that these were gonna work but he insisted that these were the right ones. I went ahead and trusted him.

Now I'm sitting on the floor of my living room with a giant hole in my wall, mascara stained cheeks, 2 screws still stuck in my wall and a drill that I never even got to start.

I thought I knew what I was doing. Because I've done everything on my own for awhile now. But I don't want to. I need your help and you're not here.

You could of helped me with the measurements. Told me they were a little crooked.
Stood on the chair while I sat on the counter telling you to move it a little to the left or right but no.
I had to stand on the chair myself and mark up my walls with a pencil trying to get it just right.

I shouldn't be mad at you. I'm not really mad at you right now. I'm just mad at this moment. And that if you were here it could of gone a lot better.

For all I know you're sitting on your living room floor wondering where I am as well.
I don't know. But I sure do wish you were here tonight.

For now I'll try to ask for help when I need it and somehow try and fix the hole in my wall.

I pray you're on your way here quickly.
Quickly as in the next few days. ha!
I can only hope.

Until the next curtain hanging fiasco in our new place,
I'll pray for you.

I love you. I love you. I love you.


your future wife.

..

pas de deux.

I got home around 1:30am.
Took a shower and started to write a post but fell asleep.
I don't even remember falling asleep but I woke up about an hour ago.

My heart feels calm. But my emotions are a bit extreme at the moment.
Which I strongly dislike.
Emotions.. when will I be able to overcome them.
Tell them how to respond instead of the other way around.

A lot of good words were said, not all of them were heard.
There was so much control being shoved into the conversation on their part.
I kept praying against confusion and control as we were speaking.

They called another one of her friends over to talk with them.
She said a lot of good things.
The more she talked the more I kept silent and prayed.

I wanted to cry and tears came to my eyes often.

The mother stated that she believed in God, she just didn't like how her daughter was 'acting'.
I point blank asked her, "do you believe that God loves your daughter?"
She thought and said, "I think God loves everyone."
That's not the question I asked you, do you believe God loves your daughter?
She answered yes.
Do you trust God?
She hesitated...
Do you?
Yes.
"Then do you trust God with your daughter's life?"
She didn't respond.
She said that this had nothing to do with 'trusting God'.

My voice began to crack a little.
I wanted to cry but I pushed it down.

Their daughter wasn't there while we were talking.
But afterwards I met up with her.

I told her I thought the talk went well, because it could of gone a lot worse.
But I felt like no progress was taking place.
I was expecting to see something huge, some big change to take place.
But all I got was controlling words and lies.

I know she got discouraged and so did I.
But I continued to encourage her.
We cannot trust what we see right now.
The unseen is what we count on.

We prayed over everything and I told her that we are only at the beginning.
We have a choice to continue to pray about this and proclaim victory and that her parent's hearts and eyes would be open or we could just give up.


I have so much faith that God is going to bust thru and save the day.
We must only trust day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, if that's what it comes to.
He will show up.
Just as the sun rises every morning so He will show up.

I told her to write this down.
You're gonna want to remember this story later.
It's not over, it's just beginning.

I feel so humbled that I get to fight this fight with her.
God is so amazing.
And doing things that I have prayed to have happen years ago.

I'm fighting against emotions and feelings that are not from God.
sadness, loneliness, anger, heartache but not for Godly things.
so I feel like this is a double edged sword.

I feel like I could cry all day, but I won't let myself.
I need to remain focused and faithful in what God has given me.
Because He has given me so much.
so much.

My love is getting deeper and wider.
Deeper for the things of God and wider for the people I meet.

I'll be writing more about this in later posts.
This story is gonna get better, just watch.
It might seem like nothing will change, no one will budge.
Lies and control seem to run rampant but Jesus will prevail.

Light always wins over darkness.
always.


so let us walk forth.
step by step.



..

I'm about to walk into a situation that could be a total trainwreck but I have peace.

Peace that passes understanding.
Because a lot of this doesn't make sense but God is moving in ways we cannot see.

I feel Him taking my hand and leading me.
I don't know what I'll say.
I don't know how I'll respond.

I do know that Jesus is King.
His love has lead me here.
His faithful has opened doors.
He is the One deserving all the praise.

There is a story in the making tonight.
One filled once with certain end but somehow within the last 24 hours doors have cracked open.
Hearts have been stirred.


He loves to see His beloveds come forth as gold.

And I am so amazed that He uses us.
I have nothing to do with this.
I simply put my trust and love into the One who deserves all my trust and love.

He is making a way where there is no way.
And there was no way that tonight was even thought about.

If you're reading this.. pray.
I know tonight might change everything.
Change everything for a changed soul who loves her Lord with all her heart.

I'm going to be talking with a family that doesn't believe in Jesus.
Their daughter is in desperate love with Him.
They want to talk to me about the life their daughter is choosing to live.

I know nothing I say will mean anything.
It is Jesus Christ, the Holy One living inside me who has something to say.

His Love will shine thru.
I am not nervous because this has nothing to do with me.
It has everything to do with Him and His relentless Love.

My heart is skipping.
It's a moment we will write about in books to come.

I hope healing comes from this.
Eyes will be opened.
Hearts will be softened.
Jesus will gently comfort and give such strength.

I am not confident in myself.
There is no way.
I shake thinking of taking this on myself.

But I am filled with compassion and love for ones I haven't even met yet.
God is moving and we're in the middle of it all.

Leave it up to Him and He will make a way.
He will come thru.


ahhh... just pray.


..

Hurt.

it has been so real.
The pain and hurt in my heart.
So real it was almost deafening to my body.

My reality was spinning faster and faster towards the ground.
The earth was standing still but nothing could stop what was happening.
Nightmares, sleepless nights, random bruises found on my body, puffy eyes, hungry belly.

So many things were/are coming against me.
Unforgiveness, betrayal, trust broken, confusion.
But all I felt was alone and hurt.

It all came to me yesterday morning.
These are just things.
just emotions.
just feelings.
just meaningless things.
They can seem so real.

None of this can truly hurt me.
Because none of those things can take Jesus away from me.
His love is more real to me then any earthly thing.

Yes, they can cause me pain but they cannot hurt me.
Because my life, my love, my hope is found in Jesus Christ.

You could burn all of my possessions and kill my father and mother.
Ruin my name in public, destroy everything I held dear, take friendships away, tell me I'm worth nothing, beat me, but in the resolve
that is within my heart I would forgive you.

Because all of those are just things.
My life and identity and hope is not in those people or places or possessions.
Yes, my heart would certainly be broken but
my reward is in Him.
My place is in Him.

He humbled himself and became obedient to death.
How could I not do the same.
For Him, for you.


How dare I not forgive you. How dare I hold an ounce of anger towards you.
How could I let these emotions rule my life.
When it is Him who orders my day.

Gold and riches I do not have but Jesus Christ I can give to you.
I have been forgiven for so much, I have been given grace and mercy
beyond my understanding.
Woe is me.

These trails and pain are just that.

But nothing can pull me away from the Love of this Man.
You cannot do that.
You cannot drag me to the depths of hell.
There is nothing you can do to hurt me.

I do not say this in strength or pride.
but in a broken humbled heart, knowing full well where I stand.

I feel like a frail little girl.
And these thoughts and emotions are a daily occurrence.
But I know the Truth.

And I choose Love over it all.
I choose forgiveness.
I choose life.

It's an everyday choice.


These are all leading us to Him.
These things, which in just a moment will mean nothing compared
to the surpassing greatness of Who He is, are just things.
These trails are the same.

And none of it can take us away from Him.
He is closer then He's ever been.

I may not feel like this everyday, but yet again it's a choice.
And I will continue to choose Love, to choose Him.
Fight thru the emotions of numbness and nothingness.
This is just temporary, for in just a moment I will be satisfied in His presence.

I am convinced that He is good.
Even in the mess of this life.



"Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way!
not trouble
not hard times
not hatred
not hunger
not homelessness
not bullying threats
not backstabbing
not even the worst sins listed in Scripture...

None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us.
I'm absolutely convinced that nothing
nothing living or dead
angelic or demonic
today or tomorrow
high or low
thinkable or unthinkable
absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us."

Romans 8:38-40 The Message.


..

God & Brownies.

I feel like that could be the title to a book.
A few weekends ago I had a couple girls from my cabin at camp spend the night.

We had a full night. There was tons of laughing and a lot of talking.
Some tears but many reassuring words spoken.
We sat in a circle on the floor. We were huddling under blankets as they talked
about life after coming home from camp.

It had been difficult for most of them. They missed being in the cabin every night
talking about their day. They missed being surrounding by people who loved them.
But what they mostly missed was talking about God.
They missed feeling Him so close.

We discussed why we felt that when we experience God and then leave that certain place we sometimes feel like we are leaving Him there as well.


I looked around the room and my heart was so full. I felt so in tune with their hearts, their feelings, their thoughts. Understanding was so thick.
These are such little girls. They are so new to the world.
And some have already seen that the world doesn't care how old they are it will throw it's hardest punches as soon as it can.

We decided to make brownies. And without anyone really saying anything we all got on the counter. I have a huge island and a lot of counter space so we all fit.
So we mixed the brownies and all ate a few bites before we cooked them!

It was ridiculous but so funny. We were just being kids.

I thought in that moment that I bet Jesus was laughing.
I'm sure His heart was as full if not fuller then mine.

The morning came too soon. After they left I sat down and made them all journals of their own.
I wrote them each something on the first page:

I told them that if this is the purpose we are to serve, living life with each other, knowing Him and knowing each other, thinking, laughing, breaking rules...
then it is a purpose I am so grateful to be called to do.

We must respond to Him, girls.


A few days ago I was talking with one of them.
We were talking about life and it's meaning.
She laughed and said, "it's God and brownies."


What a crazy precious life I am living at the moment.
I am so grateful for this time in my life.
Feeling very humbled and extremely blessed.

God is so good.
so purposeful.
so right.
so Beautiful.
so true to His word.
so fun.









..

I want.

I want to sleep beside an ocean tonight. I want to be more awake then I am. I want to see Love more clearly. I want to know that I am not alone. I want to get married. I want to hold a baby. I want to have more rings on my fingers. I want to speak right to your heart. I want to write and write and write. I want to birth dreams and beautiful thoughts into the world. I want to have homework. I want to see what's really going on. I want to cry so hard. I want to hear His voice. I want to run my fingers thru running water. I want to watch the sun rise on the highest rooftop in this city. I want to hang out with you. I want to know what's going on in your life. I want to see into your heart. I want to understand what I see. I want to be held. I want to be understood. I want to not have to explain myself. I want to work in a rehab center. I want to sleep under a bridge. I want to live in the depths of New York city. I want to run and never tire. I want to listen to music all day. I want to be wiser. I want to have the ability to heal hearts. I want to speak healing over others. I want to have millions upon millions of dollars and give it all away. I want nothing to do with gaining more possessions. I want pictures to cover my walls. I want to paint every day. I want time to no longer exist. I want to give myself completely to another person with no fear. I want to never question His calling on this life given to me. I want to seek and find. I want to truly see the depths of myself... maybe I don't. I want to break into a million pieces and go everywhere. I want to live in true freedom. I want to feel Him closer then I ever have. I want this ache to consume all of our souls. I want this ache to urge us to seek His face. I want to sleep peacefully. I want control. I want to be a sacrifice. I want to see more. I want to bring This closer to their hearts then ever before. I want to not be thought less of. I want for you to know that we are in this together. I want to simply live. I want to simply love. I want to simply come to Him.


I want to simply be.

..

There Was Blood Everywhere.

I had a good morning.
Things were looking up in my little life.
We were laughing at work.
Then out of nowhere I wasn't paying attention and BAM
I felt the worst pain I've ever felt in my life.
I screamed and I saw blood everywhere.
I ran to the back and threw my hand under water.
When I saw a chunk of my finger fall back against the rush of water I burst into tears.
My employees were working fast to clean up all the blood.
Thankfully I work right across the street from an urgent care place.
We ran over there right as I felt light headed enough to want to pass out.

I wanted desperately not to get stitches, but seriously there was no question.
The pain came and went. They gave me some Novocaine and from there it was ok to handle.

The cool thing about this is that I sliced my left pointer finger, which I wear a ring that says FEAR NOT engraved on it. So every time I looked down at my finger I saw FEAR NOT. It gave me peace in the middle of the chaos.



********BELOW ARE GRAPHIC PICTURES*********
Proceed at your own risk.










The cut doesn't look bad in this photo. This is after we were able to stop the blood and able to connect my top skin with the bottom skin. The cut was extremely deep.


My little finger was so swollen from the pain meds.


I was proud of myself. I was able to watch the Dr. do the last stitch.



All done!


Hot pink, that's so hardcore.



..

Ragamuffin Girl.

We are not perfect. No where near close.
I will not always say the right thing or point you in the right direction.
That is clearly not my intention but I am just a girl.
I say things I don't mean and hurt others with my actions.
You may lose faith in me, but my Father never will.
He has a plan and maybe this was part of it, I don't know.
But the thoughts in my heart and questions forming on my lips are bringing me closer to Truth.
So there is good coming from my hurt.

Sometimes I think we think that once we decide to follow this man, Jesus Christ, that
we will somehow be immune to temptation or distraction or sin.
But I tell you this is so not the Truth.

I read in this book once of a man who in his early twenties committed his life to Christ. He was whole heartily choosing to follow Him with everything.
A few years later the author of this book went back and found that this man had become an alcoholic. His first reaction was not of shock or surprise or disappointment. He was filled with love for him.
For he knew that he was going thru the trials of life.

Jesus never said life would be easy, or fun, or smooth sailing.
He said you will face trails of many kinds, you will be persecuted, you will cry and suffering will come often.
Mistakes will be made but I will never leave you, I will never forget you or throw you to the wolves of this world.

For My grace is sufficient for you.

Sometimes I write things that I still don't even understand.

I read this verse and felt a little more whole:
"And the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." -1 peter 5:10

Again I get to leave it up to Him.
He will restore me.
He will make me steadfast.
I don't have to work this thing back.
My willing heart is enough.
Praise Him.

Little by little each day I'm becoming more willing.
I think sometimes we resist Jesus out of fear.
Fear of condemnation. Fear of His disappointment.
Perfect love casts out all fear.
He is perfect and He is love.

We are all Ragamuffins.
Dirty street children wondering far from our Father's house.
Some of us are on the journey back home and some of us are still wandering.
Others have sat down on the side of the road, giving up on any hope of return.
Or even if we did get home, would He open the door and let us in?
Because we are so dirty, so filthy.

He has drawn the bath water.
He has invited us in.
He waits and prays for us to be washed clean.


(The following I did not write, even tho I wish I did. It has blessed me many times since I read it a year ago. I hope you are intrigued by her words.)




I sit here and ponder, how far have I wandered from the truth of love pure and sweet? Of what tree is this fruit I now eat? Some say it's of poison that I partake and it's for my own sake that my spirit they break with their words sharp as a sword.

I fight to ignore but these voices pierce to my core forcing me to ask questions of which answers I fear cause nothings clear so YOU tell ME what's for real! What I see..or what I feel? Cause what I feel is so blind.

Heart's detached from the mind. Mind's detached from the heart of me the part of me that won't allow me to see past your shadow here where I lie lost in wondering eyes. I am hypnotized by the slightest touch of your fingertips that softly linger round my lips forcing me to ponder, How far have I wandered?

I can't explain what he holds in his hand but like the wild it calls to me. Ravenously hungry, chasing bread I cannot eat and a cup that holds no drink. It's all an illusion.

I'm usin' my heart to think cause I'm losin' my mind and it's the next best thing! But what good is a heart that's been spread too thin and tainted by the fingerprints of too many men? Too many secrets undisclosed.

A heart fed by false hopes now left carelessly exposed is a compromised treasure whose pain cannot be measured. And the same hands that did uncover leave it alone and unclothed.

I've wandered so far that from where I stand I still can't tell what he held in his hand that would cause me to build upon shifting sand cause me to falter and forfeit my land. See, how often I find myself looking to man rather than my Creator to define who I am!

And HE watches in jealousy as endlessly I search for intimacy in vain because..I suppose it seems easier to attain. In attempt to cover my own nakedness so afraid to be exposed, I am clothed in shame. But, these garments are not mine and they must not, will not, shall not remain!

Oh, how far have I wandered and who shall lead me home?! Who shall restore my sight and who shall feed my soul?! For the touch of the Master will I lie and wait like the sand for the sea longing for his water to wash over me.

If just for a moment I'll soak him in till the return of his tide oh how long has it been since I knelt at your feet, entirely consumed? No walls.. no defenses.. just me and my wounds.

Here where your arms are outstretched and you hold in your hands something far deeper than I could ever understand something so wide it's always where I am, No matter where I fall it's always where I land.

And however far I've strayed, I know I'll find my place at the foot of a tree where blood was not spilled but rather poured out free.

so Lord pour over me calling me back from this place where I've wandered to the place where we meet No longer to roam, it's just us..and then I'll know that I am home.
-Oraia







..

In A Month.

A lot can happen in one month.
A lot can happen in an hour to say the least.
And I have so much to tell you, but many words aren't coming to the surface tonight.

I feel like I could either write little on here. No details just facts
or I could spill my heart and this could end up being the longest blog post I have
ever posted.
I'm still debating on what to do.

YoungLife camp was incredible.
There were many tears and many hearts turned toward Christ.
It was really hard at the beginning.
Many of the girls in my camp were bitter towards Love.
Which I don't blame them.
We shared our 'worst days.'
Many tears were shed and I felt helpless in my attempt to soothe hearts
and open eyes to true Love.
But God always shows up when I least expect it.
Two of my girls were baptized on my birthday, which was the best birthday
present anyone could of given me.
It was so precious and beautiful.

While at camp many kids came down extremely sick.
I was one of them.
When we got home I went to the hospital.
They thought it was Swine Flu and the doctors were very concerned.
It was not, I just had bronchitis.
Because of that I was out of work for the rest of July.
I laid in bed for a whole week, only getting up to use the restroom.

But during those long days in bed with no TV it caused me to think about a lot.
And a lot of things came up in my heart and mind.
Things I didn't want to deal with at the moment.
A lot of questions and concerns I've had for a while.
I'm having a really hard time truly trusting in Grace.

I think I'm angry.
Because for the first time in my life I feel totally and completely helpless.
I'm mad because there is nothing I can do about it.
Like truly, does anyone else feel this way?
We are saved by Grace, no matter what the hell I do, to hinder or help my relationship with Christ I am saved by grace.
It's not up to me.

And I knew this, I thought I did.
But this truth is hitting me so hard I honestly don't know how to handle this.
This past week has been so difficult and different for me.
I'm thinking thoughts I didn't know I could think and saying things
I thought I'd never say.

I feel wounded.
A wounded little girl.


I am resisting Him at the moment.
Because I feel so out of line.
So helpless, so not in control.
And control was something I thought I didn't struggle with.
But we think a lot of things that aren't even true.

I am in need of Jesus.
Of His touch, His healing words.
His kiss upon my forehead.
I need to be held.

I had myself fooled.
Fooled into thinking I had it all together.
Things were ok.
But they are not.
There is a lot of healing and understanding and anger to be soothed.

If anything I know thru this right now is that Jesus is faithful.
And He keeps His word.
back in February I felt Him telling me I was in a season of Grace.
I didn't know what that meant at the time.
He has been gentle in revealing this to me.
And this gentleness has been so incredible.

I think the thing I am angry about is that I feel awful.
Awful for what I've done.
I sit here yelling, begging to be punished for my sins.
And He sits before me and whispers, "no."
Please yell at me, take something from me, curse me with pain or sickness.
I don't deserve to go free. I don't deserve this gentle Love.

I would feel better if I did something to make up for my life.
For the sins I've committed.


My heart is full of pain and You wash it whole.
My thoughts are full of confusion and You set everything at peace.
I don't understand You.
I don't understand this Love.
This Peace, this Wholeness.
This Gentleness, this Care.

It sounds insane.
Why shouldn't I just accept this gift.
This perfect whole gift.

Jesus washes away insanity with peace.
I'm just in the middle of being washed right now.
Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in the water.
But His hand is always holding me up.


I've been so unfaithful.
So flaky, so doubtful, panic stricken.
Bitter and unsure.
Yet He remains calm and solid.

I still feel weak physically, emotionally and spiritually.
I feel beaten down and tired of crying.
Most mornings I feel like throwing up and not getting out of bed.
I don't know what's going to come of this.


Things seem so unstable and uncertainty runs around.
In my helplessness I have to try and trust.
As hard as it is right now.



I pray this post finds you well.
And if it doesn't I pray for you to find the Well that runs so deep.
There is peace and hope and love for the dirty and broken and heavy-hearted.



..

Life in Pictures.

brother.


brother & dad.


mom & I.


beautiful friends.


one of my girls and I at the top of the mountain.


we were the "Nuns with Guns"


happy birthday to me!
they decorated my bed.


after screaming 'happy birthday' to me right at midnight!



friends.



hanging out at starbucks.

..

Seconds.

I honestly have just seconds to write this post.
My bags are packed and I'm ready to hit the road.

No, I'm not moving again.. ha!

I'm headed to Young Life camp with the kids and other leaders.
I'll be gone for a little over a week.
No internest access there but I will definitely write soon when I get home.
And with lots of pictures.

I'll be gone over my birthday too... JULY 18TH.
:]

Pray for the leaders and kids as we head into this week.
My greatest hope is that many hearts find rest in Jesus this week.
That they feel His forgiveness and redemption.
That's all that matters.

Pray that His love will burst thru me to this kids.


I hope this finds you well and at peace.
I will be home soon.

..

Unpack.

Even tho I know I'm staying in this place for a long time I feel
this sick uneasy feeling of trying to figure out my next move.
I have to keep reminding myself that I can relax.
I can unpack. I can settle down.

Which is crazy to me at the moment.

The new apartment is calm and peaceful.
There is so much room for everything.

Many times a day I cry out in thankfulness.
It still hasn't hit me.

Do you ever have days or moments where you can literally feel the smile of God?
Like you can feel Him smiling at you?

Tonight I feel that.

It's been a crazy whirlwind of the past 8 months.
But I survived, I'm alive and here I am sitting on the floor of my empty
living room.


I'm hopeful for what tomorrow brings.
My family is coming to visit for the week.
They will see my life here, which I am most excited about.
I hope they will be proud of me.
I still feel like a small child a lot of the time.
I feel like I'm just a kid trying to figure this whole life thing out.

But I am hopeful.
Hopeful about the future.
And this blessed little house in the city.
I'm finally able to unpack.. my things, my heart.

I see good things ahead.
Even in the tragic moments that surround us daily,
I see hope and it's a good thing.

..

6th Time's the Charm Right?

It's been so hard not having internet connection at the place I'm staying.
But that will change soon because I am moving yet again.

And this time it's into my own apartment!!
I am so relieved and excited to actually have a place.
To finally unload my car and stop living out of suitcases.

[which I love doing honestly, all your stuff ready to go at a moment's notice]

but it will be so nice to sleep in a bed in a room knowing that it's mine.
And I can finally decorate! Bring out all my photos and frames.
I'm so looking forward to having the kids from Young Life come over and chill.
That's what I think I'm most excited about.
Being able to have a place for the kids to hang out.
Where they feel safe and know Jesus is there.

This whole thing has been a huge blessing.
It brings tears to my eyes seeing how it's all been provided.

This past year of my life things have definitely been extremely tight.
I haven't always had money but I have always had my needs met and even then some.
And I seriously don't know how any of it happened, looking back on it now.
Except that God is not a liar. He is a provider.
He is a good, good Father.

If He brings you somewhere He will give you what you need.
You only must trust.
Even until the last minute.
Which is by far the hardest.

We, my friend & I, move in next week.
So I will be out of internet until then.
But that's totally ok with me.

This past year of no sleep, no home, no consistent job [until now] no family, etc
has been extremely difficult but so rewarding.
So beautiful.
I have met amazing people living for Jesus.
Experienced things most people my age do not.

I am so grateful.
Thankful and humbled.

But the craziness will not stop.

Since I have lived basically out of my car this past year all I have is clothes.
I do have a bed that was generously given to me, but besides that I have nothing.

I need basics like:
towels,
full size bed sheets,
Plates, bowls, cups, silverware etc.

I love decorating things with the word Love or something with scripture.
I'd say I'm more modern with my style, definitely not really pink and girly.
I take most of my photos that I put up.

I thought I'd just put that out there because you cannot receive if you do not ask.

Probably because in some ways I'm still just a kid and naive but I had no idea
how much it would cost for all the start ups with an apartment.

The crazy thing about this is that we move in next week,
my family is coming for 5 days two days after I move,
and I leave the day after my family leaves to head to Young Life camp
for 11 days.
So all in all I will only be at the apartment a total of about 10 days for July.
Which means I will be losing 11 plus days of work making money.

I'm a little nervous about that.
But I completely trust God will provide.
I mean why would He back out now after all of this?

It's gonna be a crazy month of July but I'm so looking forward to it.
My birthday is coming up as well!!!
Which I am super pumped about! haha.


I remember telling God one time that I think I've come to the point in my life
where it doesn't matter what's happening, where I'm headed, how uncertain the outlook
is, I trust that He knows what He's doing with this life I've been given.

Because up to now He has been there.
Only because I have asked Him to be.
We have a relationship, not just a one side deal.
We talk, we laugh, we cry, I trust Him.

So many of us are angry at Him, questioning how you could let this happen?
God where are you??
They're angry that He 'didn't show up.'

I even yelled those a few times.

But why would He if you've never asked Him?
If you've never acknowledged Him up until that point?
If you just expected Him to show up because things got bad.
Yes, He is close to the brokenhearted.
He just does not force Himself into any one's life.
Just some questions to think about, that I think about.

He wants a relationship not a counseling job with you.
Coming to Him once a week tell Him your problems and expect Him to fix it, make it better.
What is that?


His heart is for you.
Yours just needs to be for Him as well.


I'm excited and expectant for what's to come.
I pray you are doing well.
Oh blessed reader of this.


..

you, Him.

The internet is cutting in and out tonight.
My computer is being a bit slow.

I'm sitting in the coffee shop earphones in, writing away.
Every time I come I order an Iced Chai.
It kills my stomach but I dislike coffee and the taste of espresso.

They recognize me now, since I come at least twice a week.
I stay for at about 2 hours and just drink, listen and write.
I wonder what they think of me honestly.

Have you ever wondered that you could be the mystery?
You could be the one people are interested to know.
You are the thing that simply amazes someone?
You are the one they talk about in a curious way.
You cause others to question.

Instead of seeing others in that way.. they see you in the same.

You were created to cause explosions when you walk into the room.
Your presence causes them to listen to the sweet silence.
Your voice brings calm.
Your touch soothes.
Your ideas shake traditions.
Your prayers shake nations.

If only you knew I was talking about you.
If only you could see how you're looked at with such wonder.
Such anticipated excitement to see what you will do next.
Your next breath brings you closer, closer then you dare to know.

Your shapes and lines dance in light as air rushes to breathe you in.

You are what we are waiting for.
You are the mystery.
Your beginning broke the chain and end lies in wait.

You were given this life.
You were given this place.
You were given so much.

They are watching and waiting.

Realize Who is inside.
Realize What is moving in the depths of you.

Don't be afraid.
Don't shy away.

You are a magnificent being.
Created to breath out life and be the mystery.

Stop dying.
Stop living for you.

Start living for the You inside.

You were birthed to see.
See that there is more.
More to you, more to the mundane.

The mystery of You awaits.

I've found that when I try to figure out this mystery I find that it's really true.

It's really true that Life does exist.
I find the answers.
I find the purpose.
I find the meaning of day to day.
I find the good in suffering.
I find the joy of waiting in rushed times.
I find the peace in chaos.
I find the love I've been breaking for.

The roar of the holy rumblings in my belly to soothe the frustration of [my]self.
To know that it's never been about me but You.


The mystery inside you is.....

Him.

..

Thoughts Tonight.

I'm so tired tonight.
So very tired.
Like running on less then two hours of sleep tired.

But I had a sweet moment last night.
It was going on 2:15 a.m. and I had to be up in less then 90 minutes.
I was worried and stressed knowing the full 13 hour day I had ahead of me.

I cried out to Jesus.
Tears came to my eyes quickly and I asked for Him to hold me.
I sang to Him and softly cried myself to sleep.

I awoke this morning right on time and felt good.
[satisfy us in the morning with Your unfailing love... psalm 90:14]
More awake then most nights going on 90 minutes of sleep.
I immediately thanked Him.

Oh how precious He is to me.
I pray I remember that night.


I am completely blown away and humbled that people actually read my blog.
I was reading the comments on my last post and was just amazed.

I will be getting in contact with you and letting you know more soon.
Thank you! Seriously.

Also, anyone else who is interested or wants a postcard often let me know.
I would love to get to know whoever is stopping by here.

I love the city at night.
Lights flashing, cars driving.
This part of the world is going to sleep.
I'm looking out the window of the cafe' right now watching the cars drive by.

I'm going to head out.
A friend awaits and then sleep.
And hopefully good, restful sleep.


goodnight.
..

New Things, Postcards, Questions.

I flew back and hit the ground running.
I got a 2nd job and with that have been working 12-13 hour days.
Young Life has stopped for the summer.
But we we're still hanging out with kids, getting ready to head to camp in July.
I moved twice again in the last two months.
That's six times I've moved within the last 6 months.
And the place I'm currently living at doesn't have internet,
so I've been a frequent costumer at this little coffee shop in town to hook up to their wifi.

I'm exhausted.
And I've heard it said that faith flys out the window when you're tired.
And sadly, that statement is so true.

You become so tired it almost doesn't matter anymore.
You just want to sleep.
You become angry. You want others to stop bothering you.
You're too tired to pray. You begin to doubt.
You want life to just stop for a moment.
I need to catch up.
I need to sleep for more then 4 hours at a time.
I need a massage.
Ok, I want a massage.

But there are awesome things coming up.
For one, something that I have played with in my mind for awhile
and now that I checked it out I really think I'm going to dive into it.
I just need to set aside a weekend to get it started....
I am going to publish a book.

Nothing big but something that I think will be beneficial to all.
It will be a book complied with most of my posts, private written journal entries, my photography, old posts from a blog I had in high school, songs that have really moved/changed who I am.

I will be selling them soon.
Hopefully by the beginning of July, but there are no promises.
Please let me know if you would be interested.
Any suggestions, comments, ideas would be greatly appreciated and welcomed.

Also, I am going to start writing post cards to those who would want to receive them.
It'll be short clips of what's going on day to day with life here.
What Young Life is up to, encouraging words, uplifting stories, thoughts to think about, prayers to you for that day etc.
I don't have to know you but I would like to write you in person.
Leave your address or email in a comment and we will exchange information.

I hope you're doing well.
Let me know how you are.
I want to know you.
You are important.
For real.

Sometimes I even forget that.
I was standing in line to get something to eat the other day and this overwhelming voice came to me as I watched this busy lobby fill with more and more people...

I wanted them born.

I was taken back by the solidness of the statement.
The Truth that was so huge to take hold of but so simple to understand.
He wanted you here.

And there are so many of us.
So many of us wanted by Him.
His love must be great, to lavish it on all of us.
Sometimes things are too big for me to see.
like Love...

it's too big for us to see.

Like the wind.
It moves with great force and we see it's affects but rarely do we ever question
it's existence.

Why do we question Love's?

Just some thoughts I'm processing thru at this moment.


Leave some thoughts you're processing thru, or questions or anything to get a conversation started or to make a statement.

I'm headed home for now.
Hopefully to sleep.

..

Nothing Like.

I am home.
For just a moment.

I have so much to say right now.
But I don't feel like I need to write them.
I feel like they have already been heard.
Not on earth but up in the realms of the holies.

I am so grateful for this life given me.
There is so much I do not deserve.
I still don't understand a lot.
There is still a lot to be discovered.
There are still many things to overcome.
Things to face down and victories to be won.

But right now I am a child in my parent's house.
A sister to my brother. A friend to the friendless.
An important part of this family.
A designed component to this world.
A lover of Jesus.

so this weekend I will take pictures, laugh loudly,
give and receive love and etch this moment in my heart for a long time.



Because, right now, this is all we have.


..

I love.

This beautiful girl is my Mom.



I love that I look like her.
I love that she's my mom.
I love that she loves Jesus.
I love that she is kind.
I love that she is merciful.
I love that she is understanding.
I love that she trys to understand me when I'm not making sense.
I love that even tho we disagree she still loves me & answers me softly.
I love that she answers my calls when she's at work.
I love that she asks, "how can I help you?" even tho I'm a thousand miles away.
I love that she crys easily.
I love to hear that she wanted me born.
I love that we laugh when we're together.
I love that she's not only my mom but a friend.


..

Somehow.

I recently just woke up.
I fell asleep at 7:30pm.
& I feel extremely at peace.

This is a miracle.

The past few weeks have been a struggle.
No sleep, no rest, no calm, no time to think.
Always thinking, always on the go, always always always...

I wake up in the morning and my body is sore, my muscles ache.
My eyes are so heavy all the time.

The 'feeling' of numbness has still lingered the past few days.
Until tonight.

I didn't even mean to fall asleep that early tonight.
I was on my computer and then the next thing I know I'm waking up.
The house is quiet and the song Dark but Lovely by Sarah Edwards* is playing.
I feel in the middle of resting and deep sleep.
But mostly I feel overwhelming peace.

I feel precious and tiny. You know that feeling of being so unnoticed but incredibly significant at the same time?
I feel comfort.
I feel surrounded.
I feel rest coming.

I feel Jesus.

I believe that He woke me up just to tell me He's here.
He's come to bring rest and comfort. To bring my heart peace.

but I really believe that I'm suppose to tell you He wants to bring you peace.
He wants to be with you.
It doesn't matter what's going on.
It only matters how you respond to Him in this moment.

I want to capture this moment forever, being in the company of Him.

Life is hard. But this is easy.
Resting in Him. Nothing else matters right now.

You've been thru so much. You've endured heartache and trouble.
Rest now, quiet down. Feel Him move in and wash away the wreckage.

Drown me now Lord in this moment in my room.
Soak me in Your presence.



*This God who is holy, perfect in beauty.
Awesome in glory, is ravished but my heart.

Though I’m poor you say I am lovely
Though I’m dark you say I am beautiful

Somehow my weak glance has overwhelmed You
And somehow my weak love it has stolen away Your heart.


..

Numb.

I'm going to be really honest.
I believe that the days we are living in should urge us to be more open about
this life with Jesus.
The ups the downs. The glories and heartaches.

I've been in rare form the last few days.
I feel completely devoid of all emotion.
I don't feel good or bad, calm or stressed.
I laugh but I don't feel joy.
I cry but I don't feel sadness.
People ask me how I'm doing, if I'm ok.
I don't have an answer. I can't describe it.

I pray and no words come.
I end up repeating myself most of the time.
I feel like I'm making no impact.
That in some way because I'm not reacting or feeling life around me that I'm failing.

I know that's not the truth, it's just how I'm feeling.
But surprisingly I feel nothing at the moment.

The other day I wanted to get drunk.
I was tempted with the thought to just feel something,
to check out for just a moment.
I wanted to alter the way I was seeing things for just a moment.
I did not go thru with it.
It would just be covering up what's really going on.
It would be a cop out.
Life's too precious to throw in things like that.

I know I've struggled with that before.
To want to check out. To either make yourself feel something
or feeling nothing at all.

It's funny how we base life on all these emotions and feelings.
If it feels good it must be good, or if someone makes you feel joy you love them more.
I don't understand why we do this?
Maybe we don't understand True Reality.
We try to create life around us with feelings and emotions and when they are gone..
so is life.

I have not lost my hope or my faith in Jesus Christ.
I trust Him with whatever is going on in my life,
because I clearly have no clue right now.
It can just get hard sometimes.

Life can make you numb.
Situations can rip your heart out.
You can feel like everything is out of control.
I am not depressed. I am grateful for my life.
I am glad I am alive today.

I'll keep living life until something changes.
I'm not sure when or what's going to change tho.
I know God is holding me.
Even tho I feel far far away from any comforting presence.

..