Wednesday, October 19, 2011


After work.
Wearing glasses.
Not contacts.

Most days I love to process.
It calms me. Helps me talk to Jesus better.
Most days.

Like today.
This morning I woke up feeling under pressure.
I brushed it off. Started praying.
Then a wave of reality rushed in.
Oh gosh.

I had to remind myself that I have hope.
I trust in the One who is trustworthy.
I feel like I have to remind myself Truth a lot.
As if I forget it or something.

I get to work, faking a smile.
Pretending to be genuine.

Jesus, I'm being ridiculous.

After a few hours I get a text message.
The contents completely answered a prayer I was processing earlier.
I just laughed.

It was a peaceful day.
Not because of that answered prayer.
But I had to conscientiously and continually remind myself to trust.
It set my heart at ease.

whether it was answered or not.
Trusting Him is all.
I know that.
but I forget it all the time.

the heart.
the head.


Friday, October 14, 2011

I Won't Rot.

Hello, World.
I've missed you.
A lot.

I'm here.
Still alive.
Still writing.
Still waiting.

for many things.

I feel a recent struggle with former things.
former mind sets.
former thoughts.
former reactions to people.

it's frustrating and quite odd.
I do not like who I used to be.

My stomach hurts, I'm really tired and it's only 8:20pm.

I started a new job, again.
I honestly think I need a fresh start about every 6 months.
It's hell-a stressful but good to meet new people, see things differently.
Does not help my consistency. I can hardly keep up with my habits.

I moved as well.
to a new city. It's weird.
I live in a neighborhood.
with sidewalks. and people decorate for the holidays.
never thought I'd be here.
still processing that.

I've been in deep thought recently.
[recently as in the last 20 something years of my life]

How can Jesus love me?
I'm the worst of the worst.
You know, the worst of the worst person.
The worstest person ever.

I do not look forward to giving account for my life.
I feel like I'm going to be saying sorry, a lot.

I'm such a jerk.

I read this quote today and I'm jealous I didn't write:
Maybe the greatest reminder of the depth of my own depravity is found in those times when my imperfect mind betrays my imperfect heart and deeply wounds someone for which I would gladly die.

I hate that what I want to do I do not do.
But what I don't want to do I do.

I want to write more.
I want to talk with Jesus more.
I want to love more.
Love wisely.
Love better.
Love with abandon.

Lord, help me.

I'll be back soon.
I've missed this.
Hope you stick around.
If you're even reading.

It's a good night to be alive.
Jesus is here.
You are reading.
He is wanting.
Don't be a jerk like me.