Monday, March 23, 2009

Breakfast By The Sea.

It had been the worst week of my life.
Constant thoughts of the tragedy that had happened only a few days ago.
I began thinking to myself when was this going to end?
When was the pain in my soul going to stop?
The thoughts and questions and images kept flashing before me.
I couldn't sleep or eat or let alone talk without tears pouring down my face.

I told them I didn't know Him.
I fought them off with my words, those bloody words that let Him die.
I told Him I loved Him, I told Him I'd never leave.
He was my friend, He was my life.

I watched as they took Him away from us.
I was a talker and could hardly ever be at a loss for words but that day I don't remember saying anything.
Except, "No."
3 times I said No and said them with such force that I wanted to mean it.
I was wrecked with guilt. Shame was so heavy it was hard to breathe.

Then they slaughtered Him. Beat Him almost to death but instead hung Him humiliatingly in front of the city while half of them laughed and the others was overcome with silence.
I didn't sleep at all that night.
I didn't pray, I didn't want to think.
I just wanted one more minute with Him.
One more chance to tell Him I was so deeply sorry.
Oh my heart hurt so bad I wanted to die.

The agony I felt as the weekend went on was unbearable.
My closest friends and I were together a lot that weekend.
No one really said anything. We didn't know how to ease the pain in our own hearts let alone an other's.

I decided to go fishing, my friends joined me.
I wanted to try to get back to life as normal.
[If there was ever going to be a normal after this]
I sat in the back of the boat with my eyes closed.
I didn't want to be there. I just wanted to see Him again.
We weren't catching any fish that entire day. I didn't care.
We slept that night at sea. In the morning, still no fish.

It was still the early morning when off in the distance I heard a voice.
There stood a man on the shore. He asked us if we had caught any fish.
We replied, "No."
No, I began to almost hate that word.
That man told us throw the net over again.
I continued to sit there was heavy eyes when one of my friends whispered,
"It's Him!"
I jump up and there He was standing alone on the shore.
My heart raced and I immediately dove into the water.
I didn't know what I would say when I got there I just wanted to be with Him.

I reached the shore when our eyes met. His eyes were the clearest I had ever seen.
So deep and solid. My eyes filled with tears but I couldn't bring myself to speak a word.

He built a fire on the shore and with the fish we caught He made us breakfast.
We sat and ate in quiet. No one wanted to question what was happening.
We had just witnessed His horrific death and now a few days later here He was eating fish with us.
I felt ashamed as if the word guilty was tattooed across my forehead for everyone to see.

After breakfast He looked over at me. I became tense waiting to hear what He had to say.
He asked me, "Do you love me?"
My heart screamed inside YES! And I responded with, "Yes, you know I love you.
He asked me again and I again responded with the same thing.
The third time when He asked I was saddened.
Then I realized He what He was trying to show me.

He knows I love Him, but did I love Him the way He loved me?
Would I literally lay my life down for Him as He did for me?
In my heart I knew the answer.

I used to always be quick with my words.
His teaching and sayings would create such a passion within me that I would spout off promises left and right.
"I will never betray you!"
"I could never walk out on you."
"I will always follow you!"
"You are the Son of God!"

But then I began to think. Did I really mean those things or was I just caught up in the excitement of the adventure and passion of the moment?

When He asked me the third time if I loved Him I responded with,
"You know all things and You know that I love You."
He knew my heart, He saw all the things I struggled with.
I trusted Him. He knew I loved Him.

He softly smiled and patted my shoulder.
A warm calm flooded my heart.
He began talking with the others has I kept thinking.
He loves me and I love Him but I realized that I would never be able to love Him the way that He loves me.
When He said things to me He meant them.
Not in the,'yeah I mean them'
but in the, 'I will go to death for the things I promise you.'

There was a difference. A difference I didn't see until now.
He commands me to love like He does.
And for the first time that day I truly promised Him I would.
Since that day I understood.

I still go back to that same beach late at night and wait for the sun to rise.
I think about the breakfast He made us and the things He taught me in that short talk we had.

I will never forget it. That day when He showed me His grace.
I am a humble and free man but a slave for His grace.
For I can do nothing by my will alone, only with His grace.

John 21.


Thursday, March 19, 2009


I came home from work and crashed on the bed, I fell asleep on accident.
I get a phone call from my mom later that evening waking me up.
She told me to call her back.

I sent this email to her late last night:

Hey Mom,
Sorry I didn't call you back tonight.
Tomorrow I have the day off.
I have to get my oil changed and clean out my car and hopefully find my checks!
But I went ahead and sent you the money this afternoon, it's in cash.
Also, I just wanted to let you know that I spent last night in the ER with a mild sprain to my back.
Thankfully it wasn't broken just injured from when I had to jump out of the second story window when my joint caught my room on fire after I fell asleep smoking this afternoon.
Luckily the baby wasn't harmed in all the craziness. Yes, I'm pregnant. By whom, I'm not sure. That's beside the point.
Actually none of that is true, I was really pulled over today because I was speeding.
By the grace of God I was set free with just a warning.
[I think it was all the tears and the horror story I told him about my life that gave him sympathy towards me]
So I don't know if there is going to be a letter sent to the house stating that I was stopped by the Po Po today or not.
If it is you have my permission to rip it up :]

Umm.. don't be mad?


I get this email from her this morning:

oh my! -ok, The one thing that shocked me the most is that you sent cash in the mail!!....

It's nice to know she has her priority's straight when it comes to me.


Monday, March 16, 2009

Timing Is Everything.

I feel like I've been doing this my whole life......

For what I'm not exactly sure.. but I could make a few good guesses.

The modeling audition went amazingly well.
I did a commercial for Laughing Cow cream cheese and had to show them my runway walk.
I felt completely confident and so much at peace.
I was the tallest girl there in my flats.
I had no doubt in my mind that they were going to call me back.
And when they did call me back I was shaking with excitement.

It all came down too quickly.
There were a lot of things to take into consideration.
A lot to think about... and a lot of hard things to hear.
I kept praying, kept listening for His voice.


I've been told wait before. Too many times then I can remember.
So wait I will.
But as I do recall the other times I've been told to wait... the thing I ended up waiting for was turned into this life changing experience.

Even though I want this so badly, I see visions of myself doing this...
I'll wait because I've learned to trust in His timing.
It's been a long road to learn to trust in timing but it has never failed me.

ahh... New York, L.A. you'll have to wait.
But I'll see you soon enough.


Saturday, March 14, 2009

Proverbs 19:21

In a couple of hours I'm headed downtown for my first modeling audition...
Of all the things I thought I'd be doing with my life,
this was the least of them.


Thursday, March 12, 2009

Even In The Little Things.

I stepped foot in this state and war was immediately declared.
Little did I know, of course.

I was talking with a good friend the other night. I was telling him what's been going on the last few weeks. He let out a laugh and said,
"It's crazy how much you are being tested. Ever since you moved here it's test after test after test."
I felt relief when he spoke that, finally someone else sees what's happening.
I'm not just going crazy or being a baby, I'm being pulled thru the ringer.

Today I was in rare form.
It was a hectic morning with down pouring rain and mean co-workers.
Many things weighed heavily on my mind as I ran errands this afternoon.
In an earlier conversation I felt like I wasn't being heard or even listened to.
There were a few situations where I felt completely helpless and overwhelmed.
It was as if life was rushing in on all sides and I had nothing to grab a hold of.

I get a phone call in the middle of this and I unleash the emotions building in my little heart.
My voice gets louder and louder as I recount the past weeks and the situations and the frustrations and it all just became too much.
Telling them if this is one big test I'm in then I failed miserably.
They listen and understand and give wisdom and tell me to pray.
My phone dies in the conversation. I look up in the mirror and all I could say was, "God, please."

I was still in the car so I got out and ran my last few errands.
I felt raw and sad. I wanted to get something good to eat, go home, watch a movie and sleep.
I was debating about getting something to eat because I was running low on cash.
I went ahead & popped into Chipotle. The line was long and it was hard to hear the people behind the counter.
I order my burrito of goodness and saw that the guy at the register was one of my regular costumers at Starbucks.
I must of looked like a hot mess because he looked at me with concerned eyes.
He smiled and handed me my food without charging me.

I was taken back. Wait.. what?
Tears swirled in my eyes as I walked out the door to my car.

Don't you see how much I love you? I will always provide for you, even in the little things. Do not worry, I am here. It's going to be alright.

He is here.
Always here.
My heart is at rest.