Saturday, November 21, 2009

Put a Lid on All This Noise.

I feel so alone.

Im not sure what is going on with this life.
It seems like everyone and everything is breaking my heart.
I crave to be around people but the moment I'm surrounded I fight to get alone.
And being alone makes an even deeper craving for community.

I've been by myself for so long I'm becoming restless of my own thoughts.
I'm tired of only me knowing my inner ramblings.

I've been really calm lately.
Even in busy rushed moments.
Calmness is dwelling within.

I feel at peace.
I know everything is ok.
My body just wants me to think otherwise.

I was told this week that I'm very patient.
I think I contribute that to self control maybe?
I've been waiting for a few things for years.
I waited to move here for over 2 years.

And I think tonight I'm just getting mad at my restlessness.
Tired of telling myself it will be alright.
I'm tired of having no one to encourage me.
I'm tired of living alone.
And this is all making me restless.

I'm not sad, I'm just calmly bored.

One of my first posts written a few January's ago,
I wrote about longing for community in my life.
And that longing is still here.

Am I doing something wrong?
Or am I just getting tired of this and want to move on?

I fear that I'm such a traveler that I can't stay in one place for long.
I could be getting cabin fever of my life?
No, that's not it.

I know I belong here [all these are just thoughts]
I honestly think I'm afraid that I'll be alone forever.
This haunting thought creeps in ever so often.

I know I'm not alone, but when I'm the only one I see in the room I sure
do feel like it.

I read this awhile ago and it encouraged me to continue this narrow road I'm on.
It reminded me of my younger self [and the girl I'm becoming.]
I was such a baby when I made the choice to serve Him.
I never regret the road it's taken me down.
Not for one second.
I just need to continue to listen to His voice instead of all this noise.

"There is a certain potency to her presence that is hard to describe. She owns no property and she lives as simply as she possibly can because she committed early in her life to give everything she had to making the world the kind of place God dreams it could be. It is a joy to be with her because everything matters in her life. Nothing is swallow or trite or superficial. She's very funny and smart and compassionate- a magnificent human. Because she's been exploring her own soul for so long, she knows herself inside and out. She's at peace and it's contagious."

There's a reason for this time.
For these feelings and thoughts.
For this time alone.
Even tho it seems like it's gone on for my whole life.
When this time comes to an end, I'll be so grateful.
And my appreciation for you will be so deep.

I love you.
so much.