Thursday, January 29, 2009

Marriage, chocolate, awkward joke.

I wish you were sitting beside me tonight.
I'm alone in this house again.
This was expected since I am house sitting but being alone gets old fast.
It's nice to have time to myself but I need you.
I need voices around me and people cooking in the kitchen.
I need knocks on the door and laughter coming from my room.
Anyway I'm just saying I wish you were here.

I'm laying on my bed on my stomach eating some peanut mnm's [thanks mom] starring at the little black line flashing in wait for me to type something.
Music is coming from the player while the fan hums softly overhead.
It's the perfect scene for a great conversation.
One of deep questions and "what are you thinking right now?" kind of deals.
Sometimes I go thru life and there are moments I want to capture for later.
Because they would be the perfect scenes set up for the perfect moment or conversation or revelation or change in the core of who you are.

Who the heck is going to marry me?! I'm such a dreamer, even in the littlest things.
I can't even keep up with myself. haha.

Earlier this week I had drank all the milk in the fridge and since the carton was empty I sat it on the counter. The trash was full so I was going to wait to take the trash out to throw it away. I got distracted, life happened and the milk jug was pushed to the back of the counter. Tonight I see it sitting on the counter. So I open the lid to smash the carton to fit in the trash.
I then experienced the most G-d awful smell I have ever smelled in my life!!!
I screamed and jerked away and threw up a little in my mouth.
It was outta control. The smell stills lingers a little over the sink.
Ahem, so I learned my lesson. Don't put off today what should of been done YESTERDAY.
Live and Learn.

I still wish you were here, then I could of replayed the whole scene over for you in person.
And now I really wish you were here to share this bag of mnm's with me because I have control issues with chocolate. I can't stop!
Honestly... who is going to happen upon me in this lowly state and be brave enough to think.. hey she's a catch I'm going to marry her!
I pray for him, wherever you are dear, get prepared.

Enough about me and my future husband and issues with chocolate... what do you think about me?

Alright, really.
I'm gonna make like a fetus and head out.
Ok really that is enough.



Monday, January 26, 2009

I killed Him.

My heart has been really hurting lately.
But it's a different hurt I've not experienced before.
I think Jesus has done an extreme work in my heart.
Because when I used to feel this way insecurity and doubt would continually flash before me but now I see the Truth of the situation and realize who I am.

My favorite ring split the other night.
I wear it on my left index finger.
It's silver with the words FEAR NOT written in black across it.
I pray I can find one like it or better to replace it.

I walked into the store today and was wondering around, checking out the rings and picture frames.
I stepped into a corner that had the coolest painted pictures.
They had such depth and meaning.
My eyes scanned the walls until I saw all of them.
I glanced down to see the pictures on the ground when I saw sitting in the corner a crown of thorns.
It was brutal and too real.
I slowly bent down and stared at the awful sight of it.
The thorns were long, thick and jagged. There were too many to count.
The image flashed in my mind of me pounding this torturous device into the precious head of Jesus.
I couldn't breathe. My eyes filled with tears as I bit my bottom lip.
But the Truth was too real to deny.
I killed Him. My sin slaughtered Him.
My eyes fill with tears even now.
I whispered that I was so sorry. I kept turning away and looking back.
It literally hurt to look at it.
To know that this was really jammed into His head.
And the mere fact that He didn't die just by that alone made my stomach sick.
My insides began to ache and my eyes were blurry with tears.
I stood back up and immediately felt a comforting strength around me.

Oh man, if we only know the depths that He has gone for us.
I cannot imagine. I'm not even sure I want to know.
To realize the seriousness of my sin.
The ugliness that drove Love to die.
To be murdered, broken, beaten, soaking in blood on a stick.

That without Jesus I am an ugly, sick, heartless, pervert.
That's the Truth. I am nothing without Him.
There is no purpose to me except Him.
In that store, face to face with the consequence of my sin was an awful experience.
But sometimes we need to see the ransom to understand the redemption.

Thank you Lord, for showing me myself without You.
I am so sorry. So truly sorry.
Thank You for saving me. Oh my heart rejoices with the thought!
Thank You for dying for me. Again I am so sorry.
Thank You for giving me a way out of hell.
Your Love has changed my life forever.
I can no longer deny that You are real.
I can no longer deny that Love exists.

Precious Friend, Savior, Love...
I know You love me.
My heart is whole in that thought.


Sunday, January 11, 2009

Ghosts of the Unreal.

You were made for great things.
For lavish adventures.
For ridiculous endings.

Most of us don't ever see those adventures or grand endings.
Most of us never even wake up.

I had a dream this morning.
3 of them actually.
They all started the same, I woke up and walked the hall to the bathroom.
I talked with one of my friends in the shower then it ended.
I awoke again went to the bathroom and talked with my friend.
For the 3rd time it happened again.

When are we going to realize that this is all a fake.
Nothing here is real. Nothing you see lasts.
Nothing stands forever.
Why do I put so much faith in these meaningless things that I believe I love?
Why don't I yet understand that this is all fading away faster then I can grasp?
Why do I continue to hold expectations to others begging them to fulfill my love?
And become angry when humans cannot understand the yearnings of my heart.
Why do I place such precious things in front of Man when I know they will just get thrown back.
Why do I search after uplifting words from others when I know those are empty words that will just cover over the symptom of my bleeding heart.

I'm fading faster then I want to believe.
Life is but a mist of water.
It's over before it begins for most.

Don't you get it? Nothing you own will sustain you.
Nothing on earth can get us out of this.
We are in need of a Savior.

I don't want to be like most.
I was not made to live like this.
Don't you feel it too?
Don't tell me I'm alone in this, this burning ache for more.
More of the spiritual, more of the Love, more of the deep things I was made to know.

I must see thru the faze.
The faze of the unreal.
I've tasted a Reality so sweet my lips scream for another down pour.
WAKE UP, WAKE UP. Hear the souls bell ring.

This Love is real. His words stand forever.
We fade He remains.
Minutes slip away. Open your eyes.
See Him standing before you.

If you listen just right, you can almost hear it.
The symphony of secrecy, love and fear.

Like a moth to a flame, we become helpless
To the beautiful ghosts
That true love sheds.

We are all running our very own races,
Set out upon the most dangerous of places.
And through it all, we were left
With a void in our chests,
We're aching to fill.

The doves come
To gather our every need,
They lift them up to Heaven
Through the mouths from which we speak.

God, will you help us understand the meaning of it all?
Will you send your Angels down to us, at our every call?
Sometimes it seems the world is passing us
Faster than my eyes can adjust.

I can't decide
If I'm living or I'm dying.
So I test Your Love and I test Your Love, I test Your Love

-Ghosts, Sleeping At Last


Monday, January 5, 2009

No, really I could of died!

Late last night as I was getting out of my car I quickly hurried to the house.
It has been a creepy last two nights trying to sleep completely alone in this massive house.
So as I walked swiftly up to the front door, I saw someone run up behind me.
I was so terrified I froze then screamed like my life depended on it.
Still screaming in fear and frozen solid I soon realized it was my own shadow being cast upon the house when I accidentally stepped in front of the lawn light.

oh, ahem... haha.


Saturday, January 3, 2009

Good Things...

...will follow you.

I sat at the kitchen table and explained to the girl I mentor and her family that I will be moving out.
I was unexpectedly offered to house sit for an older couple on the Young Life committee for the local schools.
I was hesitant at first and sad.
Change seems to be ever present in my life these past few months.

Holding back tears I told them I would miss them terribly.
It's going to be extremely different going from a small house with 4 people to a large mansion by myself.

They said they were really excited for me. And they see great opportunities coming of this.
"Dear, good things will always follow you. Keep your trust in God and always do the right thing."
I smiled and nodded as she spoke those words to me.
When you're always telling yourself those things it gets old and after a while isn't encouraging but when you hear it from someone else it speaks volumes.

The new house is beautiful. I have the upstairs corner room with my own bathroom and walk in closet!
I was moving in today and felt really weird.
Lonely maybe, but weird definitely.

I do ask for your prayers.
That I won't be lonely in this new season in my life.
& that God will provide faithful friends.

thank you so much.

"surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life..."
-psalm 23:6