Thursday, April 16, 2009


I'm going to be really honest.
I believe that the days we are living in should urge us to be more open about
this life with Jesus.
The ups the downs. The glories and heartaches.

I've been in rare form the last few days.
I feel completely devoid of all emotion.
I don't feel good or bad, calm or stressed.
I laugh but I don't feel joy.
I cry but I don't feel sadness.
People ask me how I'm doing, if I'm ok.
I don't have an answer. I can't describe it.

I pray and no words come.
I end up repeating myself most of the time.
I feel like I'm making no impact.
That in some way because I'm not reacting or feeling life around me that I'm failing.

I know that's not the truth, it's just how I'm feeling.
But surprisingly I feel nothing at the moment.

The other day I wanted to get drunk.
I was tempted with the thought to just feel something,
to check out for just a moment.
I wanted to alter the way I was seeing things for just a moment.
I did not go thru with it.
It would just be covering up what's really going on.
It would be a cop out.
Life's too precious to throw in things like that.

I know I've struggled with that before.
To want to check out. To either make yourself feel something
or feeling nothing at all.

It's funny how we base life on all these emotions and feelings.
If it feels good it must be good, or if someone makes you feel joy you love them more.
I don't understand why we do this?
Maybe we don't understand True Reality.
We try to create life around us with feelings and emotions and when they are gone..
so is life.

I have not lost my hope or my faith in Jesus Christ.
I trust Him with whatever is going on in my life,
because I clearly have no clue right now.
It can just get hard sometimes.

Life can make you numb.
Situations can rip your heart out.
You can feel like everything is out of control.
I am not depressed. I am grateful for my life.
I am glad I am alive today.

I'll keep living life until something changes.
I'm not sure when or what's going to change tho.
I know God is holding me.
Even tho I feel far far away from any comforting presence.


Sunday, April 5, 2009

Gypsy Girl.

Here I am again.
In the middle of boxes, piles of clothes and packed away photos.
This will be the third time I've moved within the last five months.
Most of my stuff just stays in the trunk of my car anyway.

Within the last few weeks I believe I've experienced the love of the church more then I ever have before. I was in need and people stepped up and comforted and
offered homes for me to stay, places for me to come and relax.
I am taken back by the love of many.

I was hungry and You fed me, I was homeless and You covered me, I was alone and You comforted me.

I am overwhelmed at the provision of God in my life.
Man... all I've been doing lately is crying.
Crying because of joy, of heartache, of worries, of desperation, of goodness being poured out upon me.

And when I see all these things coming together and these moments being placed before me I am shaken to the core.
I realize I do not deserve any of this.. who am I to live this life?
Grace is flowing heavy in my spirit.

I'm stepping into a new season in my life.
One filled with war and fighting for freedom.
I covet your prayers for me the next few months.

I had a dream a few nights back.
It was intense and full of terror and uncertainty.
But in my dream I had a vision and I saw people praying for me.
I was reassured and filled with hope. I'll be ok.
I will walk forward in confidence.

I surrender everything and told Him I'd trust Him.
Do you realize how nerve wrecking it is to pray that?
but I do trust that He will provide, He will lead me down the best path for my life,
I am sure of that.

My passion is becoming the Kingdom and those invited to share in it's goodness.
That means you.

What a lovely mystery this life is....
A life I feel grateful to give away.