Friday, July 15, 2011

Feeling Truth.

The struggle is always there.
The civil war.
The head and heart.

Raging against the other.

I feel a deep pain in my heart all the time.
I fight it, I hate it, I question loudly its presence all. the. time.

I know Jesus has/is/will heal me.
But this is a pain of such aching that has never met it's victor.


And I feel like a walking complex.
Being surrounded by ones who love you well.
And in relationship with the One who soothes all aches.
yet its still there.

And I don't talk about it.
I've never talked about it.
In depth.

It is a wound which quickly brings tears.
And some days [like today] it becomes overwhelming.

We celebrated my birthday. Surrounded by sweet voices.
Hugging the necks of ones you barely get to see.
gifts, and love and words were all given.

It was over too quickly.

And yet I drove home alone.
alone in my car.

I arrived home holding back sobs.
my heart hurts.
tears consumed me shortly.

I sat there telling myself the Truth.
You are not alone. Never forsaken. Never left alone.
But my heart screamed in defiance.
My heart screams at my present surroundings.

and I truly hate this because I feel as if there are few who sincerely understand
the depths to which this goes.
It is not a depression.
I enjoy life. I enjoy people. I love Jesus. I know I have purpose.

This ugly loneliness is a deep ache.

Today, I have to deal with this. The ache rising to the top of my heart.
Hard to describe yet I'm flooded with words.

And tomorrow it might not be this bad.
But the pain will still linger.

Tho, I am thankful.
Always thankful.
It is a pain that draws me near.
I am alive and get to love and be loved.

Life is good and He is faithful.
Faithful to complete the work He started in this heart of mine.