Friday, April 15, 2011

I've never known.

The background music plays as the movie clips begin to roll.
I see us in a room with two chairs. One for You and one for me.
Facing each other.

I fight to keep the door shut from the outside. You sit and wait.

We're facing each other. Bent forward elbows on knees.
Eye to eye.

I honestly thought I never left the room.
But You've been alone in it for months.
I used to beg to be in this room, live here.
Never leave.

But I left.
I walked out.
And then became mad at Your response.
You didn't leave. You stayed alone in the room.

I wanted You to follow me out.

Sitting in front of You I realize.

Remembering I tried to find You in everything, everywhere except the room.
All the while You sit. And wait.

I lean forward to get closer to Your eyes.
I know they see right thru me.
Every bit. Nothing hidden. And I am not afraid anymore.

I beg You to tell me all the things I already know but had forgotten.
To remind me.
As if I had forgotten that You were in the room.

To be alone with You.
To be alone.
With You.

Remind me of love.
Remind me of the hope I had in love.
The glorious, delirious trust and madness I had for love.

I want to go back.
You taught me so well.
Because I was in front of You.
Always You. Always listening.

Craved for Your voice.

To be alone with You.
To be alone with You and me.

I'm sitting down now.
And there You are.

always there.


Thursday, April 7, 2011

Like Me.

I would never guess that where I currently work would put me in the position to meet so many women who use their bodies for business.

It's a unique situation that I've found myself in.

Everyday I meet at least one. Most of the time I get to speak with them and try to make eye contact but the walls are up. It's rough.
Most days I find myself stifling tears in the bathroom.
Oh this heart of mine, it smashes to pieces so easily it's almost frustrating.

Sometimes I can smell horrible things on them. Rail thin and often on a substance.
[I understand this is not how all of them are, I am not assuming anything. I understand that some are just trying to make a living and some are living with deep pain and apathy.]

Most of the time I want to ask them to dinner.
Get to know them, become friends.
Or hug them.

But yesterday was different.
She walked in and stood at the opening.
We made eye contact and she walked over.
"I don't know who to talk to."

I smiled and asked her what was wrong.
She didn't want the guy she was dating to know what she did for a living.
There was a long silence and she sighed.
"I don't want him to think I'm easy or trashy, I need to make a living."

I told her I understood. I encouraged her to be real.
If he doesn't treat her the way she deserves to be treated then he is not worth it.

She was made to be loved deeply and taken care of.

She said she was ashamed of what she did.
But quickly moved on in the conversation.

She just repeated herself and I softly smiled.
Other people walked in and she quickly ended the exchange and left.
"Thanks, girl."

She hasn't left my mind since.


Friday, April 1, 2011

Future Writer, Current Slacker.

I write everyday.
Every. Day.

I just never speak those words to the world.

I feel a slight hope in my heart tonight.
Which is amazing.
Lately I haven't published anything to the world or announced my heart woes to others
because they are not pretty.

And I feel the conviction of being real. honest. true.
And at the same time I feel the burden of being a light.

I'm seeing things I've hoped for slowing coming together.

But if I was born to learn anything it was to wait.
And wait I am growing confident in doing.

Because I feel I've been waiting my entire life.

So let's be honest:
I've doubted and slipped away.
I've been mad and questioned everything.
I've cried myself to sleep a lot.
I'd given up hope of anything changing.
I lost focus and was extremely sad.
And I forgot what was done for me.

I was reminded that I serve Love.
I serve patience and faithful to promises said long ago.

And there is hope once again.
hope in this heart of mine.
And it is so sweet.