Burned.

Sometimes You're further than the moon.
Sometimes You're closer than my skin.



It's been awhile.

Here I am.
You surround me like a winter fog.

Life is so tragically beautiful.
And painfully true.
You've come and burned me with a kiss.

I've not been writing lately.
And I'm so filthy with my sin.
But my thoughts [as always] never stop thinking.
And I've written a thousands words in my head every day.
I carry pride like a disease.
They just never make it to paper.
But they are being heard, loud and clear.

I don't have anything to say at the moment.
You know I'm stubborn Lord and am longing to be close.

I have so many plans for my life.
What can I do with my obsession with the things I cannot see?
so many things I want to do and people I want to meet.
Is there madness in my being?
Is it the wind that moves the trees?
The future often terrifies me.
Because I have such a huge idea of what life should be like.
And I'm learning more and more that God knows what my life should be like.

I feel lonely without hope.
I feel desperate without vision.

so here I am.
sleeping in this house.
living in this city.
working in this job.
speaking Truth into these situations.
here I am.
You come and free me like a bird.
waiting.
longing.
burning.
hoping.
praying.
waiting.

And my heart burns for You.
And my heart burns for You.
And my heart burns for You.
And my heart burns for You.

oh it burns for You.




*obsession-david crowder band.


..

To Feel.

I see you in the brokenness.
mess.
heartache.
deadness.
numb nights
and mornings.
tears
and no tears at all.
lifeless day to day.

I cannot help but see your beauty.

Do not loosen your grip to hope.
You are right where you're so suppose to be.



Even tho I cannot feel Jesus in anything I do,
I cannot deny His presence.
This doesn't make sense.

I don't know why I'm going thru this.
But I'm not questioning.
I'm quickly turning any question or unsettled thought into trust.

I have to.
He is coming thru for me.
In so many ways.
I cannot deny His existence or help in my life.

I just cannot feel anything.
Feelings are wanted but Truth is precious.

I appreciate where I'm at in this life.
I know this will/is teaching me something.
What.. I have no idea.
Thoughts come and go on a daily basis.

but words are being written and stories are being told in the midst of this.
This will bring forth something.
I pray it's something of worth and not just a wasted moment.

How are you doing?
Please let me know.

what's going thru your mind?
how's your heart?

be at peace.


..

Live Forever.

If I could give these girls one thing,

I'd give them the gift of seeing themselves how I see them.

Such magical explosions of beauty that scream across my heart every time I see them or hear their voice.

They are possible.
They are pure.

They are REAL.

But I'd rather for them to see how Jesus sees them.

They would only be able to respond in radical freedom if that gift was given.

Yeah.

I don't know how I got to this season.

Why I ended up in the world at this hour with the heart I have.

So many things to process, such madness swimming thru my mind.

But one thing I can be so grateful for is this gift.

The gift of these girls and the grace to love them.

I guess I have something to say and they have ears that want to hear.

I heard this song this past weekend.

And I am so in love with the words.

I would sing this to them every night if I could:

Laughter is the only thing that will keep you sane.

This world is dying more and more everyday.

Don't let evil get you down in this madness spinning round and round.

I want you to live forever

underneath the sky so blue.

Some people say faith is a childish game.

Well play on children like it's Christmas day.

Sing me a song,

Sing me a melody

You can sing out loud cause you're a symphony.

Take courage when the road is long.

Don't ever forget that you're never alone.

I want you to live forever.

to be alive for forever.

with me and you and Us.

for forever, for always.

they do exist and we can live there.

together.

never alone.

never a part.

never left.

never those things for forever.

let's live forever.

it can be done.

it must be done.

but the choice is yours.

and I say CHOOSE LIFE.

choose forever Somewhere.

somewhere together,

with Us and them and me.

laughter forever.

love forever.

be forever.

I hope you live forever.

.......

I feel as tho I carry the weight of a thousand lifetimes in my heart.
Every story I hear, every burden I connect with,
every moment where I am mysteriously joined to that person or situation.
Those never leave me.


I am so young.
but my eyes have seen
and my ears have heard
and my hands have done
enough to fill book after book after book.



I carry such deep burdens, it's hard to explain.


I drove home in the cover of darkness.
I was overcome with such tears.
For someone I didn't know.
My heart is broken and begging.


I am so sad at the darkness that they exist in.

All these memories and stories and pictures run thru my mind.
the emotions involved, the heartache, the confusion.
the quiet desperation.
the drugs that cover it all.



we are so young.
and we've been exposed to so much.
sometimes my heart is violently ripped open.
I don't know where my story starts and yours ends.
I identify with every word you say.
every thing to your story, it becomes mine as well.



I feel calm.
but inside
deep inside.
where only the mysteries of You live.
where I don't even know exist.
There are aches.
deep aches, that slowly come to the surface.
and tears begin to flow.
but not for me.
no not for me.


for you.




Sometimes I ache for you instead.
because there is this serious wound.
deep down in the depths.
and when it is brushed or touched or thought of
I am overcome.
a blessed wound.

what a joyful thing.




I feel the weight of a thousand lifetimes.




I don't understand a lot.
but this I know too well.


I often feel too young and reckless to step into this.
But when people's pain and sin
are splattered on the canvas of my heart
I cannot do nothing.



something I am doing.
this wrecks my heart.
this pain and sin.
but I will stand under the weight.
Because this is nothing compared to the heaviness that was once given.

when all the weight and pain was placed on one Man.



so if I am supposed to carry one other's I can.
by grace and strength.
even tho it feels like a thousand other's.



I have become nauseously aware.



tho I am thankful.
because it dares me to move.

have you ever felt the pain of someone else's heart?
or life?
it's messy.
and gut wrenching.

but I am hopeful.
even in the darkness that surrounds us.

and I have to understand that things might get worse.
situations might get heavier.
hearts may become more dark.
and this pain will probably increase.

I could choose to step away.
To say no and try to forget.
But you cannot erase with you know.
the conscience is a precious machine.

but I have to trust that it's ok.
it's going to be alright.
there is an End and I will reach it.

and you will be by my side.



..

Inclined to Something.

Prone to wander Lord I feel it.
Prone to leave the God I love.
Here's my heart Lord, take and seal it.
Seal it for thy court's above.


Wander.
leave.
go.


In the depths of everything that is 'me' I feel it.
The urge to walk away.
To leave this all behind.
To cast my cares and burdens to the wind and run far away.

This haunting whisper, telling me I'm missing out.
There's better out there.
leave. run.
I know your lies.
I've listened to them many times before.

but this mystery of what I've chosen keeps me awake at night.
This call to get up.
to rise above
to SPEAK.
to DO SOMETHING.

but I'm just tired and want to stop trying.

I'm so blank.
bored.
not responding.

He wants to be my friend.
He is looking for friends.
What is it seriously going to take for my full attention.
that scares me.

I just sit here in my cold room thinking.
Continually thinking.
But never saying anything.

OPEN YOUR MOUTH.

I still don't know what I'm doing.
Somethings off.
And I hate playing these games.
These life games.

I want to throw open the curtains and see what's really going on outside.

I'm just trying to be real.
But fakeness is choking me to death.

Put up a front.
Don't tell them you're struggling.
Or that something is wrong.
Or that you want to walk away.
I'm paralyzed in this plastic phase of nothing.
feeling nothing.
doing nothing.
saying nothing.


I keep waiting.
For His voice.
For His direction.
For His touch to revive this heart.

But I just wake up and go to sleep.
And fear the silence.
So I keep myself busy.
Keep moving.
But I'm actually doing nothing.
of importance.
or significance.
or meaning.


I love Jesus.

I know I won't, I cannot, I will not walk away.
I cannot imagine my life without Him.
These past few weeks have been awful.
Boring. Dead. Not living.

and I'm tired.
it's exhausting doing this on your own.
You find yourself in situations and your stuck.
Broken down.


I struggle with walking away.
for just a moment.
for just a weekend.
for just a second.

But I'm seeing that it's His Grace that lovingly pulls me back in.

no matter where I've been.
what I've been doing.
where my thoughts have taken me.

I won't let you run.

I don't understand a lot of things.
I don't understand my emotions or thoughts.
I don't see how I'm lovable or beautiful.
I don't know why He chose me.
Seriously.

This makes me rightfully fearful.

Because so much rests on Him.
Everything rests on Him.

And He takes me and my life and wraps me up.
everything that is going on.
all that is falling apart.

I love this.
I love you.


I'm prone to wander.
He knows it.
He knows me, my inner most thoughts.

But something inside me causes Him to chase after me.
He is a jealous Uncreated Being.
Jealous for my thoughts and heart and life.
Jealous of my time.


I keep typing to remind myself.
To remind myself to trust Him.
to welcome the scary silence.
to be still.

Even tho I want to run so fast.
so far away.

It doesn't matter if this makes sense to you.
It doesn't to me either.
But I don't write to get approval of whatever you want to approve me for.

Life is messy.
Really messy.
And we are a mess.
This is so fake.
This life.
how we act, what we do.
And I'm just trying to be real.

to be raw and open.
Because that's all I know to be.
I've seen the cruel intentions.
the hardness of hearts.
it does not appeal to me.

And so no matter what happens to me.
and this life I have to trust that He does.
and even tho I sometimes give up and say I'm quiting.
and slam the door and don't talk for days on end.
I know that He sees everything.
as scary and invading that is.
But I'm glad He does.

Because He sees and still loves.
and still calls after me.

beckoning me and you to something better.
and more Real.



So here it is Lord.
my.heart.
take it and run with it.
seal it far away from me.
because if it's in my possession I mess with it and break it.
and rip it to shreds.

I don't want it.
I don't want that burden
anymore.



..

Resolve-less.

[this was written late Tuesday night]


this post doesn't resolve.


I don't have peace.
and I am scared.

life is really, really weird.
I don't feel anything.
I don't know what I feel.
I can't feel what I know.

just weird.



my heart is broken.
and smashed all up in this rib cage of mine.

when I pray I just cry.
I end up repeating myself.
Jesus.



I had a breakdown last night.
I don't even know how it came up.
I just needed to be alone.
and the tears flowed so heavy that my face stung.

I called my mom.
because moms just know what to do.

"mom, I'm so scared."


that phone call really opened my eyes.
my parents are crazy Jesus loving beings.

words were spoken, eyes were opened, encouragement was given.
and my heart was lightened for a moment.

I tried to clean myself up.
wash away the look of tears.
and try to breathe normally.


I went to a friend's house for dinner.
I knew I looked like a total mess.
But I hoped they didn't care.
we ate and talked and laughed.

ice cream floats are so good by the way.


I started to leave and then was taken by surprise with
an incredible blessing.
I mean, wow.
I didn't know what to do.
You kind of feel helpless.

There's nothing you could but receive it.

we want to help with the burden you are carrying.

and my heart felt even lighter.




I am/was/still soo grateful.





today as been different.
I don't feel so broken.
but I don't have peace.
and the fear still lingers a bit.



I'm really uncertain about the future.
really uncertain.

I've been trying to make myself feel better.
and tell myself it will be ok.
but sometimes/most of the time that doesn't work/help.



I'm not even going to try to tell myself another thing to do.
Because I feel so worn out.
from crying.
from thinking.
from talking.
from trying.
from bearing another thing.


All I know to do is keep living.
keep talking.
keep hoping.
keep loving.
keep seeking.
keep asking.
keep breathing.


just continue to keep breathing.


..

That You Run and Never Tire.

And we have a God who runs after us and never tires.
His Son prays for us daily.
With such patience we cannot understand.
Waiting in grace with boundless love.
Blazing with holy fire to burn away all that doesn't belong.

And He loves.
Loves.
you.

Even if you never look His way or say anything back.
He watches in rich love for you.

Whoa.


I needed to know that today.
Because my heart feels a little bruised.
But God is on the Throne and Jesus still loves me.





Here are some pictures of the YoungLife Girl's Christmas Party.
It was funny/gag gifts.












The Lord your God is with you,
He is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
He will quiet you with his love,
He will rejoice over you with singing."

..

Put a Lid on All This Noise.

I feel so alone.

Im not sure what is going on with this life.
It seems like everyone and everything is breaking my heart.
I crave to be around people but the moment I'm surrounded I fight to get alone.
And being alone makes an even deeper craving for community.

I've been by myself for so long I'm becoming restless of my own thoughts.
I'm tired of only me knowing my inner ramblings.

I've been really calm lately.
Even in busy rushed moments.
Calmness is dwelling within.

I feel at peace.
I know everything is ok.
My body just wants me to think otherwise.


I was told this week that I'm very patient.
I think I contribute that to self control maybe?
I've been waiting for a few things for years.
I waited to move here for over 2 years.

And I think tonight I'm just getting mad at my restlessness.
Tired of telling myself it will be alright.
I'm tired of having no one to encourage me.
I'm tired of living alone.
And this is all making me restless.

I'm not sad, I'm just calmly bored.

One of my first posts written a few January's ago,
I wrote about longing for community in my life.
And that longing is still here.

Am I doing something wrong?
Or am I just getting tired of this and want to move on?

I fear that I'm such a traveler that I can't stay in one place for long.
I could be getting cabin fever of my life?
No, that's not it.

I know I belong here [all these are just thoughts]
I honestly think I'm afraid that I'll be alone forever.
This haunting thought creeps in ever so often.

I know I'm not alone, but when I'm the only one I see in the room I sure
do feel like it.

I read this awhile ago and it encouraged me to continue this narrow road I'm on.
It reminded me of my younger self [and the girl I'm becoming.]
I was such a baby when I made the choice to serve Him.
I never regret the road it's taken me down.
Not for one second.
I just need to continue to listen to His voice instead of all this noise.


"There is a certain potency to her presence that is hard to describe. She owns no property and she lives as simply as she possibly can because she committed early in her life to give everything she had to making the world the kind of place God dreams it could be. It is a joy to be with her because everything matters in her life. Nothing is swallow or trite or superficial. She's very funny and smart and compassionate- a magnificent human. Because she's been exploring her own soul for so long, she knows herself inside and out. She's at peace and it's contagious."



There's a reason for this time.
For these feelings and thoughts.
For this time alone.
Even tho it seems like it's gone on for my whole life.
When this time comes to an end, I'll be so grateful.
And my appreciation for you will be so deep.



I love you.
so much.




..

Where are you?

You're suppose to be here tonight.
I'm a little angry but really I'm just stuck in a little pity party.

I made a poor attempt at hanging curtains in my apartment.
I bought all I needed, had to borrow an electric drill, got all my screws and tape measures and nails and whatever.

I talked with the man at Home Depot and he told me specifically that these screws are what I needed. I told him I didn't think that these were gonna work but he insisted that these were the right ones. I went ahead and trusted him.

Now I'm sitting on the floor of my living room with a giant hole in my wall, mascara stained cheeks, 2 screws still stuck in my wall and a drill that I never even got to start.

I thought I knew what I was doing. Because I've done everything on my own for awhile now. But I don't want to. I need your help and you're not here.

You could of helped me with the measurements. Told me they were a little crooked.
Stood on the chair while I sat on the counter telling you to move it a little to the left or right but no.
I had to stand on the chair myself and mark up my walls with a pencil trying to get it just right.

I shouldn't be mad at you. I'm not really mad at you right now. I'm just mad at this moment. And that if you were here it could of gone a lot better.

For all I know you're sitting on your living room floor wondering where I am as well.
I don't know. But I sure do wish you were here tonight.

For now I'll try to ask for help when I need it and somehow try and fix the hole in my wall.

I pray you're on your way here quickly.
Quickly as in the next few days. ha!
I can only hope.

Until the next curtain hanging fiasco in our new place,
I'll pray for you.

I love you. I love you. I love you.


your future wife.

..

God & Brownies.

I feel like that could be the title to a book.
A few weekends ago I had a couple girls from my cabin at camp spend the night.

We had a full night. There was tons of laughing and a lot of talking.
Some tears but many reassuring words spoken.
We sat in a circle on the floor. We were huddling under blankets as they talked
about life after coming home from camp.

It had been difficult for most of them. They missed being in the cabin every night
talking about their day. They missed being surrounding by people who loved them.
But what they mostly missed was talking about God.
They missed feeling Him so close.

We discussed why we felt that when we experience God and then leave that certain place we sometimes feel like we are leaving Him there as well.


I looked around the room and my heart was so full. I felt so in tune with their hearts, their feelings, their thoughts. Understanding was so thick.
These are such little girls. They are so new to the world.
And some have already seen that the world doesn't care how old they are it will throw it's hardest punches as soon as it can.

We decided to make brownies. And without anyone really saying anything we all got on the counter. I have a huge island and a lot of counter space so we all fit.
So we mixed the brownies and all ate a few bites before we cooked them!

It was ridiculous but so funny. We were just being kids.

I thought in that moment that I bet Jesus was laughing.
I'm sure His heart was as full if not fuller then mine.

The morning came too soon. After they left I sat down and made them all journals of their own.
I wrote them each something on the first page:

I told them that if this is the purpose we are to serve, living life with each other, knowing Him and knowing each other, thinking, laughing, breaking rules...
then it is a purpose I am so grateful to be called to do.

We must respond to Him, girls.


A few days ago I was talking with one of them.
We were talking about life and it's meaning.
She laughed and said, "it's God and brownies."


What a crazy precious life I am living at the moment.
I am so grateful for this time in my life.
Feeling very humbled and extremely blessed.

God is so good.
so purposeful.
so right.
so Beautiful.
so true to His word.
so fun.









..

I want.

I want to sleep beside an ocean tonight. I want to be more awake then I am. I want to see Love more clearly. I want to know that I am not alone. I want to get married. I want to hold a baby. I want to have more rings on my fingers. I want to speak right to your heart. I want to write and write and write. I want to birth dreams and beautiful thoughts into the world. I want to have homework. I want to see what's really going on. I want to cry so hard. I want to hear His voice. I want to run my fingers thru running water. I want to watch the sun rise on the highest rooftop in this city. I want to hang out with you. I want to know what's going on in your life. I want to see into your heart. I want to understand what I see. I want to be held. I want to be understood. I want to not have to explain myself. I want to work in a rehab center. I want to sleep under a bridge. I want to live in the depths of New York city. I want to run and never tire. I want to listen to music all day. I want to be wiser. I want to have the ability to heal hearts. I want to speak healing over others. I want to have millions upon millions of dollars and give it all away. I want nothing to do with gaining more possessions. I want pictures to cover my walls. I want to paint every day. I want time to no longer exist. I want to give myself completely to another person with no fear. I want to never question His calling on this life given to me. I want to seek and find. I want to truly see the depths of myself... maybe I don't. I want to break into a million pieces and go everywhere. I want to live in true freedom. I want to feel Him closer then I ever have. I want this ache to consume all of our souls. I want this ache to urge us to seek His face. I want to sleep peacefully. I want control. I want to be a sacrifice. I want to see more. I want to bring This closer to their hearts then ever before. I want to not be thought less of. I want for you to know that we are in this together. I want to simply live. I want to simply love. I want to simply come to Him.


I want to simply be.

..

Unpack.

Even tho I know I'm staying in this place for a long time I feel
this sick uneasy feeling of trying to figure out my next move.
I have to keep reminding myself that I can relax.
I can unpack. I can settle down.

Which is crazy to me at the moment.

The new apartment is calm and peaceful.
There is so much room for everything.

Many times a day I cry out in thankfulness.
It still hasn't hit me.

Do you ever have days or moments where you can literally feel the smile of God?
Like you can feel Him smiling at you?

Tonight I feel that.

It's been a crazy whirlwind of the past 8 months.
But I survived, I'm alive and here I am sitting on the floor of my empty
living room.


I'm hopeful for what tomorrow brings.
My family is coming to visit for the week.
They will see my life here, which I am most excited about.
I hope they will be proud of me.
I still feel like a small child a lot of the time.
I feel like I'm just a kid trying to figure this whole life thing out.

But I am hopeful.
Hopeful about the future.
And this blessed little house in the city.
I'm finally able to unpack.. my things, my heart.

I see good things ahead.
Even in the tragic moments that surround us daily,
I see hope and it's a good thing.

..

you, Him.

The internet is cutting in and out tonight.
My computer is being a bit slow.

I'm sitting in the coffee shop earphones in, writing away.
Every time I come I order an Iced Chai.
It kills my stomach but I dislike coffee and the taste of espresso.

They recognize me now, since I come at least twice a week.
I stay for at about 2 hours and just drink, listen and write.
I wonder what they think of me honestly.

Have you ever wondered that you could be the mystery?
You could be the one people are interested to know.
You are the thing that simply amazes someone?
You are the one they talk about in a curious way.
You cause others to question.

Instead of seeing others in that way.. they see you in the same.

You were created to cause explosions when you walk into the room.
Your presence causes them to listen to the sweet silence.
Your voice brings calm.
Your touch soothes.
Your ideas shake traditions.
Your prayers shake nations.

If only you knew I was talking about you.
If only you could see how you're looked at with such wonder.
Such anticipated excitement to see what you will do next.
Your next breath brings you closer, closer then you dare to know.

Your shapes and lines dance in light as air rushes to breathe you in.

You are what we are waiting for.
You are the mystery.
Your beginning broke the chain and end lies in wait.

You were given this life.
You were given this place.
You were given so much.

They are watching and waiting.

Realize Who is inside.
Realize What is moving in the depths of you.

Don't be afraid.
Don't shy away.

You are a magnificent being.
Created to breath out life and be the mystery.

Stop dying.
Stop living for you.

Start living for the You inside.

You were birthed to see.
See that there is more.
More to you, more to the mundane.

The mystery of You awaits.

I've found that when I try to figure out this mystery I find that it's really true.

It's really true that Life does exist.
I find the answers.
I find the purpose.
I find the meaning of day to day.
I find the good in suffering.
I find the joy of waiting in rushed times.
I find the peace in chaos.
I find the love I've been breaking for.

The roar of the holy rumblings in my belly to soothe the frustration of [my]self.
To know that it's never been about me but You.


The mystery inside you is.....

Him.

..

Nothing Like.

I am home.
For just a moment.

I have so much to say right now.
But I don't feel like I need to write them.
I feel like they have already been heard.
Not on earth but up in the realms of the holies.

I am so grateful for this life given me.
There is so much I do not deserve.
I still don't understand a lot.
There is still a lot to be discovered.
There are still many things to overcome.
Things to face down and victories to be won.

But right now I am a child in my parent's house.
A sister to my brother. A friend to the friendless.
An important part of this family.
A designed component to this world.
A lover of Jesus.

so this weekend I will take pictures, laugh loudly,
give and receive love and etch this moment in my heart for a long time.



Because, right now, this is all we have.


..

I love.

This beautiful girl is my Mom.



I love that I look like her.
I love that she's my mom.
I love that she loves Jesus.
I love that she is kind.
I love that she is merciful.
I love that she is understanding.
I love that she trys to understand me when I'm not making sense.
I love that even tho we disagree she still loves me & answers me softly.
I love that she answers my calls when she's at work.
I love that she asks, "how can I help you?" even tho I'm a thousand miles away.
I love that she crys easily.
I love to hear that she wanted me born.
I love that we laugh when we're together.
I love that she's not only my mom but a friend.


..

Somehow.

I recently just woke up.
I fell asleep at 7:30pm.
& I feel extremely at peace.

This is a miracle.

The past few weeks have been a struggle.
No sleep, no rest, no calm, no time to think.
Always thinking, always on the go, always always always...

I wake up in the morning and my body is sore, my muscles ache.
My eyes are so heavy all the time.

The 'feeling' of numbness has still lingered the past few days.
Until tonight.

I didn't even mean to fall asleep that early tonight.
I was on my computer and then the next thing I know I'm waking up.
The house is quiet and the song Dark but Lovely by Sarah Edwards* is playing.
I feel in the middle of resting and deep sleep.
But mostly I feel overwhelming peace.

I feel precious and tiny. You know that feeling of being so unnoticed but incredibly significant at the same time?
I feel comfort.
I feel surrounded.
I feel rest coming.

I feel Jesus.

I believe that He woke me up just to tell me He's here.
He's come to bring rest and comfort. To bring my heart peace.

but I really believe that I'm suppose to tell you He wants to bring you peace.
He wants to be with you.
It doesn't matter what's going on.
It only matters how you respond to Him in this moment.

I want to capture this moment forever, being in the company of Him.

Life is hard. But this is easy.
Resting in Him. Nothing else matters right now.

You've been thru so much. You've endured heartache and trouble.
Rest now, quiet down. Feel Him move in and wash away the wreckage.

Drown me now Lord in this moment in my room.
Soak me in Your presence.



*This God who is holy, perfect in beauty.
Awesome in glory, is ravished but my heart.

Though I’m poor you say I am lovely
Though I’m dark you say I am beautiful

Somehow my weak glance has overwhelmed You
And somehow my weak love it has stolen away Your heart.


..

Numb.

I'm going to be really honest.
I believe that the days we are living in should urge us to be more open about
this life with Jesus.
The ups the downs. The glories and heartaches.

I've been in rare form the last few days.
I feel completely devoid of all emotion.
I don't feel good or bad, calm or stressed.
I laugh but I don't feel joy.
I cry but I don't feel sadness.
People ask me how I'm doing, if I'm ok.
I don't have an answer. I can't describe it.

I pray and no words come.
I end up repeating myself most of the time.
I feel like I'm making no impact.
That in some way because I'm not reacting or feeling life around me that I'm failing.

I know that's not the truth, it's just how I'm feeling.
But surprisingly I feel nothing at the moment.

The other day I wanted to get drunk.
I was tempted with the thought to just feel something,
to check out for just a moment.
I wanted to alter the way I was seeing things for just a moment.
I did not go thru with it.
It would just be covering up what's really going on.
It would be a cop out.
Life's too precious to throw in things like that.

I know I've struggled with that before.
To want to check out. To either make yourself feel something
or feeling nothing at all.

It's funny how we base life on all these emotions and feelings.
If it feels good it must be good, or if someone makes you feel joy you love them more.
I don't understand why we do this?
Maybe we don't understand True Reality.
We try to create life around us with feelings and emotions and when they are gone..
so is life.

I have not lost my hope or my faith in Jesus Christ.
I trust Him with whatever is going on in my life,
because I clearly have no clue right now.
It can just get hard sometimes.

Life can make you numb.
Situations can rip your heart out.
You can feel like everything is out of control.
I am not depressed. I am grateful for my life.
I am glad I am alive today.

I'll keep living life until something changes.
I'm not sure when or what's going to change tho.
I know God is holding me.
Even tho I feel far far away from any comforting presence.

..

Gypsy Girl.

Here I am again.
In the middle of boxes, piles of clothes and packed away photos.
This will be the third time I've moved within the last five months.
Most of my stuff just stays in the trunk of my car anyway.

Within the last few weeks I believe I've experienced the love of the church more then I ever have before. I was in need and people stepped up and comforted and
offered homes for me to stay, places for me to come and relax.
I am taken back by the love of many.

I was hungry and You fed me, I was homeless and You covered me, I was alone and You comforted me.

I am overwhelmed at the provision of God in my life.
Seriously.
Man... all I've been doing lately is crying.
Crying because of joy, of heartache, of worries, of desperation, of goodness being poured out upon me.

And when I see all these things coming together and these moments being placed before me I am shaken to the core.
I realize I do not deserve any of this.. who am I to live this life?
Grace is flowing heavy in my spirit.

I'm stepping into a new season in my life.
One filled with war and fighting for freedom.
I covet your prayers for me the next few months.

I had a dream a few nights back.
It was intense and full of terror and uncertainty.
But in my dream I had a vision and I saw people praying for me.
I was reassured and filled with hope. I'll be ok.
I will walk forward in confidence.

I surrender everything and told Him I'd trust Him.
Do you realize how nerve wrecking it is to pray that?
but I do trust that He will provide, He will lead me down the best path for my life,
I am sure of that.

My passion is becoming the Kingdom and those invited to share in it's goodness.
That means you.

What a lovely mystery this life is....
A life I feel grateful to give away.

..

Breakfast By The Sea.

It had been the worst week of my life.
Constant thoughts of the tragedy that had happened only a few days ago.
I began thinking to myself when was this going to end?
When was the pain in my soul going to stop?
The thoughts and questions and images kept flashing before me.
I couldn't sleep or eat or let alone talk without tears pouring down my face.

I told them I didn't know Him.
I fought them off with my words, those bloody words that let Him die.
I told Him I loved Him, I told Him I'd never leave.
He was my friend, He was my life.

I watched as they took Him away from us.
I was a talker and could hardly ever be at a loss for words but that day I don't remember saying anything.
Except, "No."
3 times I said No and said them with such force that I wanted to mean it.
I was wrecked with guilt. Shame was so heavy it was hard to breathe.

Then they slaughtered Him. Beat Him almost to death but instead hung Him humiliatingly in front of the city while half of them laughed and the others was overcome with silence.
I didn't sleep at all that night.
I didn't pray, I didn't want to think.
I just wanted one more minute with Him.
One more chance to tell Him I was so deeply sorry.
Oh my heart hurt so bad I wanted to die.

The agony I felt as the weekend went on was unbearable.
My closest friends and I were together a lot that weekend.
No one really said anything. We didn't know how to ease the pain in our own hearts let alone an other's.

I decided to go fishing, my friends joined me.
I wanted to try to get back to life as normal.
[If there was ever going to be a normal after this]
I sat in the back of the boat with my eyes closed.
I didn't want to be there. I just wanted to see Him again.
We weren't catching any fish that entire day. I didn't care.
We slept that night at sea. In the morning, still no fish.

It was still the early morning when off in the distance I heard a voice.
There stood a man on the shore. He asked us if we had caught any fish.
We replied, "No."
No, I began to almost hate that word.
That man told us throw the net over again.
I continued to sit there was heavy eyes when one of my friends whispered,
"It's Him!"
I jump up and there He was standing alone on the shore.
My heart raced and I immediately dove into the water.
I didn't know what I would say when I got there I just wanted to be with Him.

I reached the shore when our eyes met. His eyes were the clearest I had ever seen.
So deep and solid. My eyes filled with tears but I couldn't bring myself to speak a word.

He built a fire on the shore and with the fish we caught He made us breakfast.
We sat and ate in quiet. No one wanted to question what was happening.
We had just witnessed His horrific death and now a few days later here He was eating fish with us.
I felt ashamed as if the word guilty was tattooed across my forehead for everyone to see.

After breakfast He looked over at me. I became tense waiting to hear what He had to say.
He asked me, "Do you love me?"
My heart screamed inside YES! And I responded with, "Yes, you know I love you.
He asked me again and I again responded with the same thing.
The third time when He asked I was saddened.
Then I realized He what He was trying to show me.

He knows I love Him, but did I love Him the way He loved me?
Would I literally lay my life down for Him as He did for me?
In my heart I knew the answer.

I used to always be quick with my words.
His teaching and sayings would create such a passion within me that I would spout off promises left and right.
"I will never betray you!"
"I could never walk out on you."
"I will always follow you!"
"You are the Son of God!"

But then I began to think. Did I really mean those things or was I just caught up in the excitement of the adventure and passion of the moment?

When He asked me the third time if I loved Him I responded with,
"You know all things and You know that I love You."
He knew my heart, He saw all the things I struggled with.
I trusted Him. He knew I loved Him.

He softly smiled and patted my shoulder.
A warm calm flooded my heart.
He began talking with the others has I kept thinking.
He loves me and I love Him but I realized that I would never be able to love Him the way that He loves me.
When He said things to me He meant them.
Not in the,'yeah I mean them'
but in the, 'I will go to death for the things I promise you.'

There was a difference. A difference I didn't see until now.
He commands me to love like He does.
And for the first time that day I truly promised Him I would.
Since that day I understood.

I still go back to that same beach late at night and wait for the sun to rise.
I think about the breakfast He made us and the things He taught me in that short talk we had.

I will never forget it. That day when He showed me His grace.
I am a humble and free man but a slave for His grace.
For I can do nothing by my will alone, only with His grace.



John 21.

..

Perspectives.

I came home from work and crashed on the bed, I fell asleep on accident.
I get a phone call from my mom later that evening waking me up.
She told me to call her back.

I sent this email to her late last night:

Hey Mom,
Sorry I didn't call you back tonight.
Tomorrow I have the day off.
I have to get my oil changed and clean out my car and hopefully find my checks!
But I went ahead and sent you the money this afternoon, it's in cash.
Also, I just wanted to let you know that I spent last night in the ER with a mild sprain to my back.
Thankfully it wasn't broken just injured from when I had to jump out of the second story window when my joint caught my room on fire after I fell asleep smoking this afternoon.
Luckily the baby wasn't harmed in all the craziness. Yes, I'm pregnant. By whom, I'm not sure. That's beside the point.
Actually none of that is true, I was really pulled over today because I was speeding.
By the grace of God I was set free with just a warning.
[I think it was all the tears and the horror story I told him about my life that gave him sympathy towards me]
So I don't know if there is going to be a letter sent to the house stating that I was stopped by the Po Po today or not.
If it is you have my permission to rip it up :]

Umm.. don't be mad?

I LOVEYOU!



I get this email from her this morning:

oh my! -ok, The one thing that shocked me the most is that you sent cash in the mail!!....



It's nice to know she has her priority's straight when it comes to me.
haha!

..

Timing Is Everything.

I feel like I've been doing this my whole life......
Waiting.

For what I'm not exactly sure.. but I could make a few good guesses.

The modeling audition went amazingly well.
I did a commercial for Laughing Cow cream cheese and had to show them my runway walk.
I felt completely confident and so much at peace.
I was the tallest girl there in my flats.
I had no doubt in my mind that they were going to call me back.
And when they did call me back I was shaking with excitement.

It all came down too quickly.
There were a lot of things to take into consideration.
A lot to think about... and a lot of hard things to hear.
I kept praying, kept listening for His voice.

Wait.

I've been told wait before. Too many times then I can remember.
So wait I will.
But as I do recall the other times I've been told to wait... the thing I ended up waiting for was turned into this life changing experience.

Even though I want this so badly, I see visions of myself doing this...
I'll wait because I've learned to trust in His timing.
It's been a long road to learn to trust in timing but it has never failed me.


ahh... New York, L.A. you'll have to wait.
But I'll see you soon enough.

..

Proverbs 19:21

In a couple of hours I'm headed downtown for my first modeling audition...
Of all the things I thought I'd be doing with my life,
this was the least of them.




..

Even In The Little Things.

I stepped foot in this state and war was immediately declared.
Little did I know, of course.

I was talking with a good friend the other night. I was telling him what's been going on the last few weeks. He let out a laugh and said,
"It's crazy how much you are being tested. Ever since you moved here it's test after test after test."
I felt relief when he spoke that, finally someone else sees what's happening.
I'm not just going crazy or being a baby, I'm being pulled thru the ringer.

Today I was in rare form.
It was a hectic morning with down pouring rain and mean co-workers.
Many things weighed heavily on my mind as I ran errands this afternoon.
In an earlier conversation I felt like I wasn't being heard or even listened to.
There were a few situations where I felt completely helpless and overwhelmed.
It was as if life was rushing in on all sides and I had nothing to grab a hold of.

I get a phone call in the middle of this and I unleash the emotions building in my little heart.
My voice gets louder and louder as I recount the past weeks and the situations and the frustrations and it all just became too much.
Telling them if this is one big test I'm in then I failed miserably.
They listen and understand and give wisdom and tell me to pray.
My phone dies in the conversation. I look up in the mirror and all I could say was, "God, please."

I was still in the car so I got out and ran my last few errands.
I felt raw and sad. I wanted to get something good to eat, go home, watch a movie and sleep.
I was debating about getting something to eat because I was running low on cash.
I went ahead & popped into Chipotle. The line was long and it was hard to hear the people behind the counter.
I order my burrito of goodness and saw that the guy at the register was one of my regular costumers at Starbucks.
I must of looked like a hot mess because he looked at me with concerned eyes.
He smiled and handed me my food without charging me.

I was taken back. Wait.. what?
Tears swirled in my eyes as I walked out the door to my car.


Don't you see how much I love you? I will always provide for you, even in the little things. Do not worry, I am here. It's going to be alright.



He is here.
Always here.
My heart is at rest.

..

But by the grace of God, I am what I am.

I gave you my heart in exchange for a brand new start.
Lord then you made me clean and set my apart.
You see I was in the dark but He's the bright and morning star.
Oh with Your amazing grace You put a smile on my face.
Died on a cross but He rose again, dipped me in His blood and washed away my sins.


I will always remember that morning. I was 19 years old.
I was angry and wanted absolutely nothing to do with 'love'.
I had had enough run-ins with 'love' that I cynically laughed when people talked about it.
I was writing in my journal sitting at the table in my dorm room.
I started writing about Jesus' love. I had always believed in it but never believed it for myself.
Yeah, love was for everyone BUT me.

And then it happened as soon as I started writing. This overwhelming joy & confidence flooded over me.
I was laughing and my hands were shaking I had to stop writing.
In that moment I felt loved. I knew Jesus was ripping open heaven and drowning me in His love.

After I stopped laughing I was in shock. My heart was pierced.
I felt a huge rush of purpose in my life.

I will forever proclaim Your Love.
I will forever live for this very person, Love.
I will never give up on Love.

3 years since then I have not stopped.
It's been the hardest 3 years of my life.
But Love has always won.

The 'rewards' here on earth are few.
My heart has certainly been ripped apart more times then I care to count.
But that's the risk you take in living such a vulnerable life.

I will give ANYTHING for you to feel this Love.
To experience Love in its purest form is a life changing event.
Yes, I stumble and still doubt when all I see is darkness.
But I have to remind myself of this purpose.
This purpose that saved my life.

TO LOVE.

Tonight as I speak to that room full of kids I might get choked up.
I might even stand with tears streaming down my face.
But I do not care.
Love breaks my heart. It causes me to cry tears of humbleness and joy.


At the end of my talk I'll be playing this video.
I pray it has full effect on the hearts of these kids.



..

He Kissed Her Scar.

I sat with tight hands and hopeful thoughts as I watched Slumdog Millionaire.
The story kept me engaged the entire time.
My heart broke and anger flooded over me at times.
I was angered at the sheer injustice that was handed this precious boy.
But also aching at the massive turmoil he experienced at such a tender age.

During his life he became friends with another slum girl. They lost connection more times then you could imagine but were somehow always brought back together.
He had such faith when life and other undeserved circumstances split them apart that they would be together again.
Every time his faith won.

Throughout each of their lives they endured immense scars, mostly emotional.
But the slum girl received a physical scar on her cheek by a knife from her tormentors.

At the end of the movie when he sees her again she runs to her with tear filled eyes, grabs her face leans in & kisses her scar.
At that moment all the memories of their lives come rushing back to them in a scramble of hurt filled scenes.
But as he kissed her scar it was all WORTH IT.

And it all hit me tonight.
Being alone on this potentially hurtful holiday.
Every one's inner dream is captured in that one moment.
We all want our scars kissed, we want to be told our hurts are acknowledged and seen.
We beg to be healed even if we never actually speak the words.

I cannot wait for that day when it's just me and Jesus.
He will see everything about me. My mistakes, my failures, my victories with Him, my shames, my awesome times and guilt. He will see it all.
But then after all those are taken care of I believe that He will lean in, with tear filled eyes and kiss my scars.
Not only the visible ones but the dark deep ones.
The ones few if any know about. And in that moment every one of my tears will be wiped away. Every one of my aches will be soothed.

What a day that will be.
Now as we go on thru life with victories and freedoms and new scars formed and old ones slowly being healed, remember that day is near.
Our heart aches will be justified. Our pain will be wiped away.
& we will learn that IT WAS ALL WORTH IT.



..