.......

I feel as tho I carry the weight of a thousand lifetimes in my heart.
Every story I hear, every burden I connect with,
every moment where I am mysteriously joined to that person or situation.
Those never leave me.


I am so young.
but my eyes have seen
and my ears have heard
and my hands have done
enough to fill book after book after book.



I carry such deep burdens, it's hard to explain.


I drove home in the cover of darkness.
I was overcome with such tears.
For someone I didn't know.
My heart is broken and begging.


I am so sad at the darkness that they exist in.

All these memories and stories and pictures run thru my mind.
the emotions involved, the heartache, the confusion.
the quiet desperation.
the drugs that cover it all.



we are so young.
and we've been exposed to so much.
sometimes my heart is violently ripped open.
I don't know where my story starts and yours ends.
I identify with every word you say.
every thing to your story, it becomes mine as well.



I feel calm.
but inside
deep inside.
where only the mysteries of You live.
where I don't even know exist.
There are aches.
deep aches, that slowly come to the surface.
and tears begin to flow.
but not for me.
no not for me.


for you.




Sometimes I ache for you instead.
because there is this serious wound.
deep down in the depths.
and when it is brushed or touched or thought of
I am overcome.
a blessed wound.

what a joyful thing.




I feel the weight of a thousand lifetimes.




I don't understand a lot.
but this I know too well.


I often feel too young and reckless to step into this.
But when people's pain and sin
are splattered on the canvas of my heart
I cannot do nothing.



something I am doing.
this wrecks my heart.
this pain and sin.
but I will stand under the weight.
Because this is nothing compared to the heaviness that was once given.

when all the weight and pain was placed on one Man.



so if I am supposed to carry one other's I can.
by grace and strength.
even tho it feels like a thousand other's.



I have become nauseously aware.



tho I am thankful.
because it dares me to move.

have you ever felt the pain of someone else's heart?
or life?
it's messy.
and gut wrenching.

but I am hopeful.
even in the darkness that surrounds us.

and I have to understand that things might get worse.
situations might get heavier.
hearts may become more dark.
and this pain will probably increase.

I could choose to step away.
To say no and try to forget.
But you cannot erase with you know.
the conscience is a precious machine.

but I have to trust that it's ok.
it's going to be alright.
there is an End and I will reach it.

and you will be by my side.



..