Numb.

I'm going to be really honest.
I believe that the days we are living in should urge us to be more open about
this life with Jesus.
The ups the downs. The glories and heartaches.

I've been in rare form the last few days.
I feel completely devoid of all emotion.
I don't feel good or bad, calm or stressed.
I laugh but I don't feel joy.
I cry but I don't feel sadness.
People ask me how I'm doing, if I'm ok.
I don't have an answer. I can't describe it.

I pray and no words come.
I end up repeating myself most of the time.
I feel like I'm making no impact.
That in some way because I'm not reacting or feeling life around me that I'm failing.

I know that's not the truth, it's just how I'm feeling.
But surprisingly I feel nothing at the moment.

The other day I wanted to get drunk.
I was tempted with the thought to just feel something,
to check out for just a moment.
I wanted to alter the way I was seeing things for just a moment.
I did not go thru with it.
It would just be covering up what's really going on.
It would be a cop out.
Life's too precious to throw in things like that.

I know I've struggled with that before.
To want to check out. To either make yourself feel something
or feeling nothing at all.

It's funny how we base life on all these emotions and feelings.
If it feels good it must be good, or if someone makes you feel joy you love them more.
I don't understand why we do this?
Maybe we don't understand True Reality.
We try to create life around us with feelings and emotions and when they are gone..
so is life.

I have not lost my hope or my faith in Jesus Christ.
I trust Him with whatever is going on in my life,
because I clearly have no clue right now.
It can just get hard sometimes.

Life can make you numb.
Situations can rip your heart out.
You can feel like everything is out of control.
I am not depressed. I am grateful for my life.
I am glad I am alive today.

I'll keep living life until something changes.
I'm not sure when or what's going to change tho.
I know God is holding me.
Even tho I feel far far away from any comforting presence.

..