Breakfast By The Sea.

It had been the worst week of my life.
Constant thoughts of the tragedy that had happened only a few days ago.
I began thinking to myself when was this going to end?
When was the pain in my soul going to stop?
The thoughts and questions and images kept flashing before me.
I couldn't sleep or eat or let alone talk without tears pouring down my face.

I told them I didn't know Him.
I fought them off with my words, those bloody words that let Him die.
I told Him I loved Him, I told Him I'd never leave.
He was my friend, He was my life.

I watched as they took Him away from us.
I was a talker and could hardly ever be at a loss for words but that day I don't remember saying anything.
Except, "No."
3 times I said No and said them with such force that I wanted to mean it.
I was wrecked with guilt. Shame was so heavy it was hard to breathe.

Then they slaughtered Him. Beat Him almost to death but instead hung Him humiliatingly in front of the city while half of them laughed and the others was overcome with silence.
I didn't sleep at all that night.
I didn't pray, I didn't want to think.
I just wanted one more minute with Him.
One more chance to tell Him I was so deeply sorry.
Oh my heart hurt so bad I wanted to die.

The agony I felt as the weekend went on was unbearable.
My closest friends and I were together a lot that weekend.
No one really said anything. We didn't know how to ease the pain in our own hearts let alone an other's.

I decided to go fishing, my friends joined me.
I wanted to try to get back to life as normal.
[If there was ever going to be a normal after this]
I sat in the back of the boat with my eyes closed.
I didn't want to be there. I just wanted to see Him again.
We weren't catching any fish that entire day. I didn't care.
We slept that night at sea. In the morning, still no fish.

It was still the early morning when off in the distance I heard a voice.
There stood a man on the shore. He asked us if we had caught any fish.
We replied, "No."
No, I began to almost hate that word.
That man told us throw the net over again.
I continued to sit there was heavy eyes when one of my friends whispered,
"It's Him!"
I jump up and there He was standing alone on the shore.
My heart raced and I immediately dove into the water.
I didn't know what I would say when I got there I just wanted to be with Him.

I reached the shore when our eyes met. His eyes were the clearest I had ever seen.
So deep and solid. My eyes filled with tears but I couldn't bring myself to speak a word.

He built a fire on the shore and with the fish we caught He made us breakfast.
We sat and ate in quiet. No one wanted to question what was happening.
We had just witnessed His horrific death and now a few days later here He was eating fish with us.
I felt ashamed as if the word guilty was tattooed across my forehead for everyone to see.

After breakfast He looked over at me. I became tense waiting to hear what He had to say.
He asked me, "Do you love me?"
My heart screamed inside YES! And I responded with, "Yes, you know I love you.
He asked me again and I again responded with the same thing.
The third time when He asked I was saddened.
Then I realized He what He was trying to show me.

He knows I love Him, but did I love Him the way He loved me?
Would I literally lay my life down for Him as He did for me?
In my heart I knew the answer.

I used to always be quick with my words.
His teaching and sayings would create such a passion within me that I would spout off promises left and right.
"I will never betray you!"
"I could never walk out on you."
"I will always follow you!"
"You are the Son of God!"

But then I began to think. Did I really mean those things or was I just caught up in the excitement of the adventure and passion of the moment?

When He asked me the third time if I loved Him I responded with,
"You know all things and You know that I love You."
He knew my heart, He saw all the things I struggled with.
I trusted Him. He knew I loved Him.

He softly smiled and patted my shoulder.
A warm calm flooded my heart.
He began talking with the others has I kept thinking.
He loves me and I love Him but I realized that I would never be able to love Him the way that He loves me.
When He said things to me He meant them.
Not in the,'yeah I mean them'
but in the, 'I will go to death for the things I promise you.'

There was a difference. A difference I didn't see until now.
He commands me to love like He does.
And for the first time that day I truly promised Him I would.
Since that day I understood.

I still go back to that same beach late at night and wait for the sun to rise.
I think about the breakfast He made us and the things He taught me in that short talk we had.

I will never forget it. That day when He showed me His grace.
I am a humble and free man but a slave for His grace.
For I can do nothing by my will alone, only with His grace.



John 21.

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