Resolve-less.

[this was written late Tuesday night]


this post doesn't resolve.


I don't have peace.
and I am scared.

life is really, really weird.
I don't feel anything.
I don't know what I feel.
I can't feel what I know.

just weird.



my heart is broken.
and smashed all up in this rib cage of mine.

when I pray I just cry.
I end up repeating myself.
Jesus.



I had a breakdown last night.
I don't even know how it came up.
I just needed to be alone.
and the tears flowed so heavy that my face stung.

I called my mom.
because moms just know what to do.

"mom, I'm so scared."


that phone call really opened my eyes.
my parents are crazy Jesus loving beings.

words were spoken, eyes were opened, encouragement was given.
and my heart was lightened for a moment.

I tried to clean myself up.
wash away the look of tears.
and try to breathe normally.


I went to a friend's house for dinner.
I knew I looked like a total mess.
But I hoped they didn't care.
we ate and talked and laughed.

ice cream floats are so good by the way.


I started to leave and then was taken by surprise with
an incredible blessing.
I mean, wow.
I didn't know what to do.
You kind of feel helpless.

There's nothing you could but receive it.

we want to help with the burden you are carrying.

and my heart felt even lighter.




I am/was/still soo grateful.





today as been different.
I don't feel so broken.
but I don't have peace.
and the fear still lingers a bit.



I'm really uncertain about the future.
really uncertain.

I've been trying to make myself feel better.
and tell myself it will be ok.
but sometimes/most of the time that doesn't work/help.



I'm not even going to try to tell myself another thing to do.
Because I feel so worn out.
from crying.
from thinking.
from talking.
from trying.
from bearing another thing.


All I know to do is keep living.
keep talking.
keep hoping.
keep loving.
keep seeking.
keep asking.
keep breathing.


just continue to keep breathing.


..