I killed Him.

My heart has been really hurting lately.
But it's a different hurt I've not experienced before.
I think Jesus has done an extreme work in my heart.
Because when I used to feel this way insecurity and doubt would continually flash before me but now I see the Truth of the situation and realize who I am.

My favorite ring split the other night.
I wear it on my left index finger.
It's silver with the words FEAR NOT written in black across it.
I pray I can find one like it or better to replace it.

I walked into the store today and was wondering around, checking out the rings and picture frames.
I stepped into a corner that had the coolest painted pictures.
They had such depth and meaning.
My eyes scanned the walls until I saw all of them.
I glanced down to see the pictures on the ground when I saw sitting in the corner a crown of thorns.
It was brutal and too real.
I slowly bent down and stared at the awful sight of it.
The thorns were long, thick and jagged. There were too many to count.
The image flashed in my mind of me pounding this torturous device into the precious head of Jesus.
I couldn't breathe. My eyes filled with tears as I bit my bottom lip.
But the Truth was too real to deny.
I killed Him. My sin slaughtered Him.
My eyes fill with tears even now.
I whispered that I was so sorry. I kept turning away and looking back.
It literally hurt to look at it.
To know that this was really jammed into His head.
And the mere fact that He didn't die just by that alone made my stomach sick.
My insides began to ache and my eyes were blurry with tears.
I stood back up and immediately felt a comforting strength around me.

Oh man, if we only know the depths that He has gone for us.
I cannot imagine. I'm not even sure I want to know.
To realize the seriousness of my sin.
The ugliness that drove Love to die.
To be murdered, broken, beaten, soaking in blood on a stick.

That without Jesus I am an ugly, sick, heartless, pervert.
That's the Truth. I am nothing without Him.
There is no purpose to me except Him.
In that store, face to face with the consequence of my sin was an awful experience.
But sometimes we need to see the ransom to understand the redemption.

Thank you Lord, for showing me myself without You.
I am so sorry. So truly sorry.
Thank You for saving me. Oh my heart rejoices with the thought!
Thank You for dying for me. Again I am so sorry.
Thank You for giving me a way out of hell.
Your Love has changed my life forever.
I can no longer deny that You are real.
I can no longer deny that Love exists.

Precious Friend, Savior, Love...
I know You love me.
My heart is whole in that thought.

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