But by the grace of God, I am what I am.

I gave you my heart in exchange for a brand new start.
Lord then you made me clean and set my apart.
You see I was in the dark but He's the bright and morning star.
Oh with Your amazing grace You put a smile on my face.
Died on a cross but He rose again, dipped me in His blood and washed away my sins.


I will always remember that morning. I was 19 years old.
I was angry and wanted absolutely nothing to do with 'love'.
I had had enough run-ins with 'love' that I cynically laughed when people talked about it.
I was writing in my journal sitting at the table in my dorm room.
I started writing about Jesus' love. I had always believed in it but never believed it for myself.
Yeah, love was for everyone BUT me.

And then it happened as soon as I started writing. This overwhelming joy & confidence flooded over me.
I was laughing and my hands were shaking I had to stop writing.
In that moment I felt loved. I knew Jesus was ripping open heaven and drowning me in His love.

After I stopped laughing I was in shock. My heart was pierced.
I felt a huge rush of purpose in my life.

I will forever proclaim Your Love.
I will forever live for this very person, Love.
I will never give up on Love.

3 years since then I have not stopped.
It's been the hardest 3 years of my life.
But Love has always won.

The 'rewards' here on earth are few.
My heart has certainly been ripped apart more times then I care to count.
But that's the risk you take in living such a vulnerable life.

I will give ANYTHING for you to feel this Love.
To experience Love in its purest form is a life changing event.
Yes, I stumble and still doubt when all I see is darkness.
But I have to remind myself of this purpose.
This purpose that saved my life.

TO LOVE.

Tonight as I speak to that room full of kids I might get choked up.
I might even stand with tears streaming down my face.
But I do not care.
Love breaks my heart. It causes me to cry tears of humbleness and joy.


At the end of my talk I'll be playing this video.
I pray it has full effect on the hearts of these kids.



..

He Kissed Her Scar.

I sat with tight hands and hopeful thoughts as I watched Slumdog Millionaire.
The story kept me engaged the entire time.
My heart broke and anger flooded over me at times.
I was angered at the sheer injustice that was handed this precious boy.
But also aching at the massive turmoil he experienced at such a tender age.

During his life he became friends with another slum girl. They lost connection more times then you could imagine but were somehow always brought back together.
He had such faith when life and other undeserved circumstances split them apart that they would be together again.
Every time his faith won.

Throughout each of their lives they endured immense scars, mostly emotional.
But the slum girl received a physical scar on her cheek by a knife from her tormentors.

At the end of the movie when he sees her again she runs to her with tear filled eyes, grabs her face leans in & kisses her scar.
At that moment all the memories of their lives come rushing back to them in a scramble of hurt filled scenes.
But as he kissed her scar it was all WORTH IT.

And it all hit me tonight.
Being alone on this potentially hurtful holiday.
Every one's inner dream is captured in that one moment.
We all want our scars kissed, we want to be told our hurts are acknowledged and seen.
We beg to be healed even if we never actually speak the words.

I cannot wait for that day when it's just me and Jesus.
He will see everything about me. My mistakes, my failures, my victories with Him, my shames, my awesome times and guilt. He will see it all.
But then after all those are taken care of I believe that He will lean in, with tear filled eyes and kiss my scars.
Not only the visible ones but the dark deep ones.
The ones few if any know about. And in that moment every one of my tears will be wiped away. Every one of my aches will be soothed.

What a day that will be.
Now as we go on thru life with victories and freedoms and new scars formed and old ones slowly being healed, remember that day is near.
Our heart aches will be justified. Our pain will be wiped away.
& we will learn that IT WAS ALL WORTH IT.



..

One of those days.

I wish you could hear this song I'm listening to right now.
It's been helping to soothe my heart all day.


I'm lost
oh more and more of You
this bread You gave,
You have taken all away
oh that You steal my heart
oh that You would capture me
oh that I would give my all
hold nothin back
this love
its liquid gold to me
Your beauty, my eyes are all on You
I can't resist Your love
I'm overwhelmed
Jesus I can't go on without You.
oh Jesus you take my breath away.


Why are you downcast O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.
psalm 42:11

those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.
psalm 126:5




because Your love is better than life...
psalm 63:3


..

80's Baby.

I was definitely made in the 80's.
So tonight we had 80's Prom with Young Life.

When we realized that the oldest Senior there was really born in 91' it made the leaders feel extremely old.
Hey wait, we're adults?? When did THAT happen??!!

I was sporting the infamous side ponytail with a royal blue dress [with attached shoulder pads] and black high heels. Along with the blue eye shadow and blush that scared many kids away.
It was totally awesome.
We sang Livin' on a Prayer, Free Fallin' etc.





If you can see in the background we were at Taco Bueno.
...we actually went out in public like this.

"Everybody have fun tonight, Everybody Wang Chung tonight!"




yes the clock is right, 3:15am... my life is nuts!
goodnight haha.

..