Inclined to Something.

Prone to wander Lord I feel it.
Prone to leave the God I love.
Here's my heart Lord, take and seal it.
Seal it for thy court's above.


Wander.
leave.
go.


In the depths of everything that is 'me' I feel it.
The urge to walk away.
To leave this all behind.
To cast my cares and burdens to the wind and run far away.

This haunting whisper, telling me I'm missing out.
There's better out there.
leave. run.
I know your lies.
I've listened to them many times before.

but this mystery of what I've chosen keeps me awake at night.
This call to get up.
to rise above
to SPEAK.
to DO SOMETHING.

but I'm just tired and want to stop trying.

I'm so blank.
bored.
not responding.

He wants to be my friend.
He is looking for friends.
What is it seriously going to take for my full attention.
that scares me.

I just sit here in my cold room thinking.
Continually thinking.
But never saying anything.

OPEN YOUR MOUTH.

I still don't know what I'm doing.
Somethings off.
And I hate playing these games.
These life games.

I want to throw open the curtains and see what's really going on outside.

I'm just trying to be real.
But fakeness is choking me to death.

Put up a front.
Don't tell them you're struggling.
Or that something is wrong.
Or that you want to walk away.
I'm paralyzed in this plastic phase of nothing.
feeling nothing.
doing nothing.
saying nothing.


I keep waiting.
For His voice.
For His direction.
For His touch to revive this heart.

But I just wake up and go to sleep.
And fear the silence.
So I keep myself busy.
Keep moving.
But I'm actually doing nothing.
of importance.
or significance.
or meaning.


I love Jesus.

I know I won't, I cannot, I will not walk away.
I cannot imagine my life without Him.
These past few weeks have been awful.
Boring. Dead. Not living.

and I'm tired.
it's exhausting doing this on your own.
You find yourself in situations and your stuck.
Broken down.


I struggle with walking away.
for just a moment.
for just a weekend.
for just a second.

But I'm seeing that it's His Grace that lovingly pulls me back in.

no matter where I've been.
what I've been doing.
where my thoughts have taken me.

I won't let you run.

I don't understand a lot of things.
I don't understand my emotions or thoughts.
I don't see how I'm lovable or beautiful.
I don't know why He chose me.
Seriously.

This makes me rightfully fearful.

Because so much rests on Him.
Everything rests on Him.

And He takes me and my life and wraps me up.
everything that is going on.
all that is falling apart.

I love this.
I love you.


I'm prone to wander.
He knows it.
He knows me, my inner most thoughts.

But something inside me causes Him to chase after me.
He is a jealous Uncreated Being.
Jealous for my thoughts and heart and life.
Jealous of my time.


I keep typing to remind myself.
To remind myself to trust Him.
to welcome the scary silence.
to be still.

Even tho I want to run so fast.
so far away.

It doesn't matter if this makes sense to you.
It doesn't to me either.
But I don't write to get approval of whatever you want to approve me for.

Life is messy.
Really messy.
And we are a mess.
This is so fake.
This life.
how we act, what we do.
And I'm just trying to be real.

to be raw and open.
Because that's all I know to be.
I've seen the cruel intentions.
the hardness of hearts.
it does not appeal to me.

And so no matter what happens to me.
and this life I have to trust that He does.
and even tho I sometimes give up and say I'm quiting.
and slam the door and don't talk for days on end.
I know that He sees everything.
as scary and invading that is.
But I'm glad He does.

Because He sees and still loves.
and still calls after me.

beckoning me and you to something better.
and more Real.



So here it is Lord.
my.heart.
take it and run with it.
seal it far away from me.
because if it's in my possession I mess with it and break it.
and rip it to shreds.

I don't want it.
I don't want that burden
anymore.



..

Resolve-less.

[this was written late Tuesday night]


this post doesn't resolve.


I don't have peace.
and I am scared.

life is really, really weird.
I don't feel anything.
I don't know what I feel.
I can't feel what I know.

just weird.



my heart is broken.
and smashed all up in this rib cage of mine.

when I pray I just cry.
I end up repeating myself.
Jesus.



I had a breakdown last night.
I don't even know how it came up.
I just needed to be alone.
and the tears flowed so heavy that my face stung.

I called my mom.
because moms just know what to do.

"mom, I'm so scared."


that phone call really opened my eyes.
my parents are crazy Jesus loving beings.

words were spoken, eyes were opened, encouragement was given.
and my heart was lightened for a moment.

I tried to clean myself up.
wash away the look of tears.
and try to breathe normally.


I went to a friend's house for dinner.
I knew I looked like a total mess.
But I hoped they didn't care.
we ate and talked and laughed.

ice cream floats are so good by the way.


I started to leave and then was taken by surprise with
an incredible blessing.
I mean, wow.
I didn't know what to do.
You kind of feel helpless.

There's nothing you could but receive it.

we want to help with the burden you are carrying.

and my heart felt even lighter.




I am/was/still soo grateful.





today as been different.
I don't feel so broken.
but I don't have peace.
and the fear still lingers a bit.



I'm really uncertain about the future.
really uncertain.

I've been trying to make myself feel better.
and tell myself it will be ok.
but sometimes/most of the time that doesn't work/help.



I'm not even going to try to tell myself another thing to do.
Because I feel so worn out.
from crying.
from thinking.
from talking.
from trying.
from bearing another thing.


All I know to do is keep living.
keep talking.
keep hoping.
keep loving.
keep seeking.
keep asking.
keep breathing.


just continue to keep breathing.


..