Hold On.

Love.
It wrecks my heart almost everyday.
I am challenged to the death of myself quite often.


Thankful I am for that fact that this very thing changed my life
4 beautiful years ago.
It's empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
and all the faults you've left behind



So when a friend comes to me with deep things, troubling things.
My heart is immediately rent.
The harvest left you no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat
But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck



Because I have committed my life to them.
To Jesus.
To loving them always as He would and does, no matter what.
To bring the Kingdom closer to them in my responses and actions towards them.
And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again


And most days I seriously screw it up.
But I am seriously trying.
Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take my mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind



But I can't not do anything when I see this broken world
with my broken friends and I constantly hear their cries.
I would go mad at the thought of turning the other way or closing the door to them.


Love calls me everyday.
Most of the time I don't want to answer.
Because it's difficult.
it's messy.
it hurts.
So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite me faults
And despite my growing fears



but I would choose this life over my old one any day.
believe me.
So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker's hand




You, they, Jesus is so precious to me.
And I want to be with you everyday.
And I want to be like Him so much it's ridiculous.



I am here.
And I will take these pains when they come.
And I do/will have joy.
So make your siren's call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say



My heart may be broken but it's beautifully carried thru it all.
Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how

To live my life as it's meant to be.






*Mumford and Sons-The Cave.


..

Abba.

I walked out of work with a full mind.
Thinking thru many conversations, the meeting I just had screaming loudly in my ears, prayers being raised up, asking myself questions.

I don't understand.


I got into my friend's car that I was driving at the time.
My car has decided to break down.
Sometimes life is so funny.
in the middle of moving, trying to find a new job, tight money issues...
my car decides to burn out.

In the middle of all this noise in my mind
I was trying to think of what I could cut back to save money.
What things that even tho were necessary I didn't need within the month.


the phone rings.
It's my mom.
Hey, Mom...

I tell her my life. What happened at work.
She listens.



Few minutes later.
My dad calls.
Hey, Sweetheart...
How are you doing?
I heard what was going on.

He gave me advice, telling me he wishes he was here.
It makes me feel safe. Things will be ok.
he asked me about my car.
He tells me not to worry, he will take care of it.


Which he does. I take my car in.
He talks with the man at the dealership on the phone.
They figure things out.
It was my brakes not a belt, which I had guessed it was the belt.
I'm such a girl.


Recently I've been having a hard time understanding God's love.
Which is odd. I thought I slightly understood.

But seeing my dad this week [even tho he lives a thousand miles away]
doing his best to take care of me, making sure I know it will be ok.
Has given me greater hope in the Love of the Heavenly Father.


When I hear my dad tell me not to worry, I don't question that.
Things will be ok.
How much more should I trust in the Heavenly Father who jealously longs for me?


If your child asks for bread, do you trick him with sawdust?
If he asks for fish, do you scare him with a live snake on his plate?
As bad as you are, you wouldn't think of such a thing.
You're at least decent to your own children.
So don't you think the God who conceived you in love will be even better?
-Matthew 7:9-11 The Message



yes.


..

Over Now.

Running on less then 6 hours of sleep for 3 days I packed up my entire life and moved.
I'm currently in the middle of a internet cafe because I don't have it yet at my new place.

It was going on 3:30am and we were laying on the floor in the middle of boxes and blankets while the fan hummed quietly overhead.
I was beyond exhausted, still in clothes from the day before and starving.
Three of the girls I lead with Young Life wanted to be the first ones to stay the night in the new place so there we were.
They were laughing and telling stories.
They are so young and innocent about the world.
I lay there with my mind running trying to figure things out, wearing myself out even more.

Before we went to sleep I suggested we pray.
In the darkness of my room we talked to God.

I laid there as I heard their voices and was so thankful.
We all went around and it came to the last girl.

She was laughing still and said:
Thank you God so much for my new house!


Tears filled my eyes.
She doesn't live here.
But she knows this is her home too.

This past year has been really rough.
There has been so much to overcome.
So many things to wade thru.
Thoughts I never wanted to think.
Plans I never wanted to do.
I wondered many days when this season would be over.
This season of doubt, fear, loneliness, questioning, struggle, numbness.

And today I am alive and wading thru joy and peace and contentment and community.
And to hear my girl praying that prayer made this past year worth it.
My hearts desire to have a house open for ministry, purposed for loving.
She saw that, thank you Jesus.

Thank you God for never abandoning me.
for pulling me thru.
for patience beyond compare.
and loving me when I was unlovable.
You are worth it.
Even in seasons of grossness, You still choose me.
That I don't understand.



..

Hello, Life.

so full.

I wrote on my fridge tonight:
so this is what 20 plus some odd years looks like...
and I felt so full.

life is so beautiful and heavy.
so alive.

I had one of the best birthday's of my life.
Everyday leading up to it I was given a gift.
Meaningful ones.
And papers with written words that deeply touched my heart.


My cousin called me late into the night on my birthday.
He is very dear to my heart.
He told me what was going on in his life.
How Jesus is pursuing him. Pulling him up to a better life.
A better way. A richer view.
Telling him that I hear you when you pray.

I think that was the best gift I could of received.
To hear the news of one of my loved ones [anyone for that matter] drawing closer to Jesus.



It has been a full week.
And I feel very awake.

I laid on my bedroom floor, looking up to the ceiling.
I know you hear me.
You see my heart.
I miss You.


When you've been feeling empty for so long the feeling of fullness brings contentment.
When you've been so stressed for so long the presence of quiet brings peace.
When you've been feeling so lost for so long the hope of rescue brings security.


I feel Jesus.
thank you God.


..

They'll Call Me Freedom.

Life is rough.

I have so much to say but
don't want to say any of it.

My birthday is this Sunday.
There are so many thoughts when a year of life comes to a close.
I have written words upon words upon words.
And lived hours upon hours upon hours.
And hurt and prayed and listened and cried and fought and sat in silence.

This past year has been so full and heartbreaking and life shattering.

I often think about my life and what the heck is honestly going on in it.

I've never lived a normal, white picket fence life.
I've lived too much in some eyes and not enough in my own.
I don't like pink and flowers make me gag.
Don't call me sweetie.

Give me the streets, the broken and bruised.
The homeless and searching.
The dirty the wounded the beaten down.
The doubters, the liars, the whores.
Because I am them and they are us.

It's been a hard summer.
One I didn't expect.
And I've doubted.
And temptations have screamed louder then ever.
But today and tomorrow and hopefully the next day I will choose freedom.
I will choose the less traveled road again and again and again.
Because I have well considered my life, these years I've been graciously given to live
and the dreams and hopes and thoughts I had.
The adventures I planned and the babies I had named.

And not one of those things has come to be yet.
At least not in the way I thought they'd come to be.

I am so thankful.
And grateful.
And today I am hopeful.
Because I am alive.

And Jesus is not done.
He will finish what was started.
And this is only the beginning.
And I must trust in those words.
I must cling to that Truth.


I look forward to this next year.
Because Jesus is already there.
Calling me to freedom.
to life.
to love deeper then I've known.
to rescue.
to adventures.
to better friendships.
to hope.

Life will be good.
Life is good.
He is faithful.
And calling me.

how sweet the sound.


..

Home.

I miss it so much today.

It hurts.



..

Lately.

Things have been good.

Running smoothly.

The summer sun is burning my pale skin.

My legs are breathing peacefully in these shorts.

My eyes are seeing thru my retro shades.

The tops of my shoulders are blushing with new freckles.

The thoughts for the future excite my heart with a tiny bounce.

And it is at peace.

These times are far and few between.
But tonight I am soaking it in.
Windows down.
Music playing.
Watching as the sun slowly goes to sleep.
I love being young.
I love being alive.
I love having questions.
I love love.

I start to worry and stop myself.
Lay those things down sweet girl.
Run wild.
Run Free.
Beauty is yours.
Laugh Loud.
This moment is for you.


Lately, I'm cherishing these moments.


..

World's Apart.

And I've never met him.
I don't know how tall he is.
Or if the sound of his voice has a deep echo
that bounces off the bottom of your ribs.

But the things he writes makes me feel like I could
sit and talk with him for the rest of my life.
One with a haunting soul and lonely heart full of ache and mystery.

The ones I'm immediately drawn to.
The ones who break me to pieces all the time.

I've been reading his work for the past hour and am
mesmerized by his thoughts.


I remember one time I went to this show.
It was downtown in a building that, from the outside, looked abandoned.
The drummer sang along while his friends strummed on their guitars beside him.
As if they were there for support rather then complementing melodies.
He screamed and yelled words that were dark and light.
The setting was very heavy.
I could see right thru him.
He fought demons darker then he knew.
His music spoke of deeper struggles that I believe he didn't even know he had.
But he thought he was deep. He spoke as if he was free.
His eyes, his body language was of a broken kid.
Trying to grow up.


The more I read these mans words I am feeling the same.
The dark heart of a aching wanderer.
His words are priceless.
Ones I love.

But his life I cannot seem to grasp.
drugs, alcohol became the death of him.

I think that when writers search too deep into themselves, they become lost.
We don't find the answers.
We don't find the meanings.
And sadly we can't find the words.

so instead of going deeper in our own issues which brings more pain.
We cover the pain with other substances.
Other people.
Other thoughts.
Other cities.


Writing is sometimes dangerous.
It brings things to surface.
You might not want to face.
Because these thoughts are precious and want to be heard.
But they probably aren't getting read.
It doesn't matter.

They are being heard.
clearly.

I have so many questions for him.
How do you feel, truly?
What are you thinking?
Do the drugs really help, or do you still feel cloudy?
do you think you should be rescued?
Do you want to be?
Where is your hope?
Do you have hope?


Your close friends.. do you really feel true fellowship?
Or do they love you because of the things you write?
Because of the things you do or simply because of who you are?


The fact is he is dead.
I cannot meet him or get to know him truly.
Only his words he left behind.
This saddens me.
Because there was hope for healing.
And reason that Truth could be found.
And he missed it.
I don't know, maybe he didn't and one day I'll find out.
I cannot judge but my heart is sad.

what am I doing with my life????
that I won't end up like him.

I have hope.
I want to be rescued.
I see the beauty.
I write with love.

I wish he did too.

..

I Gave It All.

And it was all for love.

and I was hurt.
deeply burned.

it was all for love.

and I was broken.
and beaten.
ripped apart and shattered.

it was all for love.

and I was lied to.
spit on.
slapped.
and punched in the sides.
I couldn't breathe.

it was all for love.

and you walked away.
you ran further away.
you closed the door.
you hid in the closet.
and spent days building walls.

it was all for love.

and I called you every day.
I wrote you letters every hour.
and sang your name out loud.

it was all for love.

and you were lead into dark places.
places with no light.
no reality of escape.
nothing.

it was all for love.

and it was all to have you begin to run.
to see where your treasures lie.
to see the hope to which I called you.

it was all for love.

and I was jealous.
of your love.
of your heart.
of your soul.
of your thoughts.
of your laugh.

it was all for love.

and nothing could hold me back.
I fought off every chance of evil towards you.
I broke open the secrets in your life.
I ran.

it was all for love.

I ran towards you.
I run towards you.
always. running.
forever.

this is all for love.

and you live.
and move.
and breathe.
and have life.
in Me.

this is all for love.

and when you were made.
I held you.
dearly.

this is love.

and I long for you.
I wait for you.
I dream of you.
I think of you.
all the time.

this is love.

I sit on the porch of the world.
watching.
waiting.
looking.
for you.

this is love.

and I have a story.
and you are a part of it.
you are the cause of it.

this is love.

and I chose not to be without you.
and I gave it all.

it was all for Love.



..

Two Decades.

It seems to me that your 20's are the most excruciating pivotal moments in your life.
why is that?


I feel as tho these years are holy ground for questioning, rebellion and truth.



I rebelled in my teen years.
Not so much outwardly as I did inwardly.
I questioned everything, every motive.
why do this? why do that?
I will not do what you tell me to do.


I defied my parents by running away one weekend.
Only to be found hours later in the upstairs room of my friend.


But my 20's have been all together something more wild and freeing then those moments on the weekends when I was a teen that I was sure nobody would find out about.


I thought so much for my 20's.
I thought I'd change the world.
Get married.
Write some books.
make a few babies [maybe]

But NONE of those have happened yet.


And here I am.
Not a single plan I had come to the present.

I've watched my friends as we've ventured into these years.
And we are not who we used to be.
Maybe because we've become so jaded and used.
or because we've already become tired and feared the worst.
But there's something about our spirits that keep coming back to life.
Keep urging us to run.


I've never experienced such life altering trials in my life before now.
I've never questioned the Truth has much as I have.
I've never rebelled as much as I have until now.



why is that?
was it meant to be this way?

most of my generation is not married.
When over half of our parents would already of been married by this age already expecting children.
We don't go to church regularly and we often socially drink.

Have we become the people are parents warned us about?
Or is there something more going on?
Deeper meaning to our actions then we even realize.





..

Burned.

Sometimes You're further than the moon.
Sometimes You're closer than my skin.



It's been awhile.

Here I am.
You surround me like a winter fog.

Life is so tragically beautiful.
And painfully true.
You've come and burned me with a kiss.

I've not been writing lately.
And I'm so filthy with my sin.
But my thoughts [as always] never stop thinking.
And I've written a thousands words in my head every day.
I carry pride like a disease.
They just never make it to paper.
But they are being heard, loud and clear.

I don't have anything to say at the moment.
You know I'm stubborn Lord and am longing to be close.

I have so many plans for my life.
What can I do with my obsession with the things I cannot see?
so many things I want to do and people I want to meet.
Is there madness in my being?
Is it the wind that moves the trees?
The future often terrifies me.
Because I have such a huge idea of what life should be like.
And I'm learning more and more that God knows what my life should be like.

I feel lonely without hope.
I feel desperate without vision.

so here I am.
sleeping in this house.
living in this city.
working in this job.
speaking Truth into these situations.
here I am.
You come and free me like a bird.
waiting.
longing.
burning.
hoping.
praying.
waiting.

And my heart burns for You.
And my heart burns for You.
And my heart burns for You.
And my heart burns for You.

oh it burns for You.




*obsession-david crowder band.


..

To Feel.

I see you in the brokenness.
mess.
heartache.
deadness.
numb nights
and mornings.
tears
and no tears at all.
lifeless day to day.

I cannot help but see your beauty.

Do not loosen your grip to hope.
You are right where you're so suppose to be.



Even tho I cannot feel Jesus in anything I do,
I cannot deny His presence.
This doesn't make sense.

I don't know why I'm going thru this.
But I'm not questioning.
I'm quickly turning any question or unsettled thought into trust.

I have to.
He is coming thru for me.
In so many ways.
I cannot deny His existence or help in my life.

I just cannot feel anything.
Feelings are wanted but Truth is precious.

I appreciate where I'm at in this life.
I know this will/is teaching me something.
What.. I have no idea.
Thoughts come and go on a daily basis.

but words are being written and stories are being told in the midst of this.
This will bring forth something.
I pray it's something of worth and not just a wasted moment.

How are you doing?
Please let me know.

what's going thru your mind?
how's your heart?

be at peace.


..

Live Forever.

If I could give these girls one thing,

I'd give them the gift of seeing themselves how I see them.

Such magical explosions of beauty that scream across my heart every time I see them or hear their voice.

They are possible.
They are pure.

They are REAL.

But I'd rather for them to see how Jesus sees them.

They would only be able to respond in radical freedom if that gift was given.

Yeah.

I don't know how I got to this season.

Why I ended up in the world at this hour with the heart I have.

So many things to process, such madness swimming thru my mind.

But one thing I can be so grateful for is this gift.

The gift of these girls and the grace to love them.

I guess I have something to say and they have ears that want to hear.

I heard this song this past weekend.

And I am so in love with the words.

I would sing this to them every night if I could:

Laughter is the only thing that will keep you sane.

This world is dying more and more everyday.

Don't let evil get you down in this madness spinning round and round.

I want you to live forever

underneath the sky so blue.

Some people say faith is a childish game.

Well play on children like it's Christmas day.

Sing me a song,

Sing me a melody

You can sing out loud cause you're a symphony.

Take courage when the road is long.

Don't ever forget that you're never alone.

I want you to live forever.

to be alive for forever.

with me and you and Us.

for forever, for always.

they do exist and we can live there.

together.

never alone.

never a part.

never left.

never those things for forever.

let's live forever.

it can be done.

it must be done.

but the choice is yours.

and I say CHOOSE LIFE.

choose forever Somewhere.

somewhere together,

with Us and them and me.

laughter forever.

love forever.

be forever.

I hope you live forever.

.......

I feel as tho I carry the weight of a thousand lifetimes in my heart.
Every story I hear, every burden I connect with,
every moment where I am mysteriously joined to that person or situation.
Those never leave me.


I am so young.
but my eyes have seen
and my ears have heard
and my hands have done
enough to fill book after book after book.



I carry such deep burdens, it's hard to explain.


I drove home in the cover of darkness.
I was overcome with such tears.
For someone I didn't know.
My heart is broken and begging.


I am so sad at the darkness that they exist in.

All these memories and stories and pictures run thru my mind.
the emotions involved, the heartache, the confusion.
the quiet desperation.
the drugs that cover it all.



we are so young.
and we've been exposed to so much.
sometimes my heart is violently ripped open.
I don't know where my story starts and yours ends.
I identify with every word you say.
every thing to your story, it becomes mine as well.



I feel calm.
but inside
deep inside.
where only the mysteries of You live.
where I don't even know exist.
There are aches.
deep aches, that slowly come to the surface.
and tears begin to flow.
but not for me.
no not for me.


for you.




Sometimes I ache for you instead.
because there is this serious wound.
deep down in the depths.
and when it is brushed or touched or thought of
I am overcome.
a blessed wound.

what a joyful thing.




I feel the weight of a thousand lifetimes.




I don't understand a lot.
but this I know too well.


I often feel too young and reckless to step into this.
But when people's pain and sin
are splattered on the canvas of my heart
I cannot do nothing.



something I am doing.
this wrecks my heart.
this pain and sin.
but I will stand under the weight.
Because this is nothing compared to the heaviness that was once given.

when all the weight and pain was placed on one Man.



so if I am supposed to carry one other's I can.
by grace and strength.
even tho it feels like a thousand other's.



I have become nauseously aware.



tho I am thankful.
because it dares me to move.

have you ever felt the pain of someone else's heart?
or life?
it's messy.
and gut wrenching.

but I am hopeful.
even in the darkness that surrounds us.

and I have to understand that things might get worse.
situations might get heavier.
hearts may become more dark.
and this pain will probably increase.

I could choose to step away.
To say no and try to forget.
But you cannot erase with you know.
the conscience is a precious machine.

but I have to trust that it's ok.
it's going to be alright.
there is an End and I will reach it.

and you will be by my side.



..

Inclined to Something.

Prone to wander Lord I feel it.
Prone to leave the God I love.
Here's my heart Lord, take and seal it.
Seal it for thy court's above.


Wander.
leave.
go.


In the depths of everything that is 'me' I feel it.
The urge to walk away.
To leave this all behind.
To cast my cares and burdens to the wind and run far away.

This haunting whisper, telling me I'm missing out.
There's better out there.
leave. run.
I know your lies.
I've listened to them many times before.

but this mystery of what I've chosen keeps me awake at night.
This call to get up.
to rise above
to SPEAK.
to DO SOMETHING.

but I'm just tired and want to stop trying.

I'm so blank.
bored.
not responding.

He wants to be my friend.
He is looking for friends.
What is it seriously going to take for my full attention.
that scares me.

I just sit here in my cold room thinking.
Continually thinking.
But never saying anything.

OPEN YOUR MOUTH.

I still don't know what I'm doing.
Somethings off.
And I hate playing these games.
These life games.

I want to throw open the curtains and see what's really going on outside.

I'm just trying to be real.
But fakeness is choking me to death.

Put up a front.
Don't tell them you're struggling.
Or that something is wrong.
Or that you want to walk away.
I'm paralyzed in this plastic phase of nothing.
feeling nothing.
doing nothing.
saying nothing.


I keep waiting.
For His voice.
For His direction.
For His touch to revive this heart.

But I just wake up and go to sleep.
And fear the silence.
So I keep myself busy.
Keep moving.
But I'm actually doing nothing.
of importance.
or significance.
or meaning.


I love Jesus.

I know I won't, I cannot, I will not walk away.
I cannot imagine my life without Him.
These past few weeks have been awful.
Boring. Dead. Not living.

and I'm tired.
it's exhausting doing this on your own.
You find yourself in situations and your stuck.
Broken down.


I struggle with walking away.
for just a moment.
for just a weekend.
for just a second.

But I'm seeing that it's His Grace that lovingly pulls me back in.

no matter where I've been.
what I've been doing.
where my thoughts have taken me.

I won't let you run.

I don't understand a lot of things.
I don't understand my emotions or thoughts.
I don't see how I'm lovable or beautiful.
I don't know why He chose me.
Seriously.

This makes me rightfully fearful.

Because so much rests on Him.
Everything rests on Him.

And He takes me and my life and wraps me up.
everything that is going on.
all that is falling apart.

I love this.
I love you.


I'm prone to wander.
He knows it.
He knows me, my inner most thoughts.

But something inside me causes Him to chase after me.
He is a jealous Uncreated Being.
Jealous for my thoughts and heart and life.
Jealous of my time.


I keep typing to remind myself.
To remind myself to trust Him.
to welcome the scary silence.
to be still.

Even tho I want to run so fast.
so far away.

It doesn't matter if this makes sense to you.
It doesn't to me either.
But I don't write to get approval of whatever you want to approve me for.

Life is messy.
Really messy.
And we are a mess.
This is so fake.
This life.
how we act, what we do.
And I'm just trying to be real.

to be raw and open.
Because that's all I know to be.
I've seen the cruel intentions.
the hardness of hearts.
it does not appeal to me.

And so no matter what happens to me.
and this life I have to trust that He does.
and even tho I sometimes give up and say I'm quiting.
and slam the door and don't talk for days on end.
I know that He sees everything.
as scary and invading that is.
But I'm glad He does.

Because He sees and still loves.
and still calls after me.

beckoning me and you to something better.
and more Real.



So here it is Lord.
my.heart.
take it and run with it.
seal it far away from me.
because if it's in my possession I mess with it and break it.
and rip it to shreds.

I don't want it.
I don't want that burden
anymore.



..

Resolve-less.

[this was written late Tuesday night]


this post doesn't resolve.


I don't have peace.
and I am scared.

life is really, really weird.
I don't feel anything.
I don't know what I feel.
I can't feel what I know.

just weird.



my heart is broken.
and smashed all up in this rib cage of mine.

when I pray I just cry.
I end up repeating myself.
Jesus.



I had a breakdown last night.
I don't even know how it came up.
I just needed to be alone.
and the tears flowed so heavy that my face stung.

I called my mom.
because moms just know what to do.

"mom, I'm so scared."


that phone call really opened my eyes.
my parents are crazy Jesus loving beings.

words were spoken, eyes were opened, encouragement was given.
and my heart was lightened for a moment.

I tried to clean myself up.
wash away the look of tears.
and try to breathe normally.


I went to a friend's house for dinner.
I knew I looked like a total mess.
But I hoped they didn't care.
we ate and talked and laughed.

ice cream floats are so good by the way.


I started to leave and then was taken by surprise with
an incredible blessing.
I mean, wow.
I didn't know what to do.
You kind of feel helpless.

There's nothing you could but receive it.

we want to help with the burden you are carrying.

and my heart felt even lighter.




I am/was/still soo grateful.





today as been different.
I don't feel so broken.
but I don't have peace.
and the fear still lingers a bit.



I'm really uncertain about the future.
really uncertain.

I've been trying to make myself feel better.
and tell myself it will be ok.
but sometimes/most of the time that doesn't work/help.



I'm not even going to try to tell myself another thing to do.
Because I feel so worn out.
from crying.
from thinking.
from talking.
from trying.
from bearing another thing.


All I know to do is keep living.
keep talking.
keep hoping.
keep loving.
keep seeking.
keep asking.
keep breathing.


just continue to keep breathing.


..

That You Run and Never Tire.

And we have a God who runs after us and never tires.
His Son prays for us daily.
With such patience we cannot understand.
Waiting in grace with boundless love.
Blazing with holy fire to burn away all that doesn't belong.

And He loves.
Loves.
you.

Even if you never look His way or say anything back.
He watches in rich love for you.

Whoa.


I needed to know that today.
Because my heart feels a little bruised.
But God is on the Throne and Jesus still loves me.





Here are some pictures of the YoungLife Girl's Christmas Party.
It was funny/gag gifts.












The Lord your God is with you,
He is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
He will quiet you with his love,
He will rejoice over you with singing."

..

Put a Lid on All This Noise.

I feel so alone.

Im not sure what is going on with this life.
It seems like everyone and everything is breaking my heart.
I crave to be around people but the moment I'm surrounded I fight to get alone.
And being alone makes an even deeper craving for community.

I've been by myself for so long I'm becoming restless of my own thoughts.
I'm tired of only me knowing my inner ramblings.

I've been really calm lately.
Even in busy rushed moments.
Calmness is dwelling within.

I feel at peace.
I know everything is ok.
My body just wants me to think otherwise.


I was told this week that I'm very patient.
I think I contribute that to self control maybe?
I've been waiting for a few things for years.
I waited to move here for over 2 years.

And I think tonight I'm just getting mad at my restlessness.
Tired of telling myself it will be alright.
I'm tired of having no one to encourage me.
I'm tired of living alone.
And this is all making me restless.

I'm not sad, I'm just calmly bored.

One of my first posts written a few January's ago,
I wrote about longing for community in my life.
And that longing is still here.

Am I doing something wrong?
Or am I just getting tired of this and want to move on?

I fear that I'm such a traveler that I can't stay in one place for long.
I could be getting cabin fever of my life?
No, that's not it.

I know I belong here [all these are just thoughts]
I honestly think I'm afraid that I'll be alone forever.
This haunting thought creeps in ever so often.

I know I'm not alone, but when I'm the only one I see in the room I sure
do feel like it.

I read this awhile ago and it encouraged me to continue this narrow road I'm on.
It reminded me of my younger self [and the girl I'm becoming.]
I was such a baby when I made the choice to serve Him.
I never regret the road it's taken me down.
Not for one second.
I just need to continue to listen to His voice instead of all this noise.


"There is a certain potency to her presence that is hard to describe. She owns no property and she lives as simply as she possibly can because she committed early in her life to give everything she had to making the world the kind of place God dreams it could be. It is a joy to be with her because everything matters in her life. Nothing is swallow or trite or superficial. She's very funny and smart and compassionate- a magnificent human. Because she's been exploring her own soul for so long, she knows herself inside and out. She's at peace and it's contagious."



There's a reason for this time.
For these feelings and thoughts.
For this time alone.
Even tho it seems like it's gone on for my whole life.
When this time comes to an end, I'll be so grateful.
And my appreciation for you will be so deep.



I love you.
so much.




..

Where are you?

You're suppose to be here tonight.
I'm a little angry but really I'm just stuck in a little pity party.

I made a poor attempt at hanging curtains in my apartment.
I bought all I needed, had to borrow an electric drill, got all my screws and tape measures and nails and whatever.

I talked with the man at Home Depot and he told me specifically that these screws are what I needed. I told him I didn't think that these were gonna work but he insisted that these were the right ones. I went ahead and trusted him.

Now I'm sitting on the floor of my living room with a giant hole in my wall, mascara stained cheeks, 2 screws still stuck in my wall and a drill that I never even got to start.

I thought I knew what I was doing. Because I've done everything on my own for awhile now. But I don't want to. I need your help and you're not here.

You could of helped me with the measurements. Told me they were a little crooked.
Stood on the chair while I sat on the counter telling you to move it a little to the left or right but no.
I had to stand on the chair myself and mark up my walls with a pencil trying to get it just right.

I shouldn't be mad at you. I'm not really mad at you right now. I'm just mad at this moment. And that if you were here it could of gone a lot better.

For all I know you're sitting on your living room floor wondering where I am as well.
I don't know. But I sure do wish you were here tonight.

For now I'll try to ask for help when I need it and somehow try and fix the hole in my wall.

I pray you're on your way here quickly.
Quickly as in the next few days. ha!
I can only hope.

Until the next curtain hanging fiasco in our new place,
I'll pray for you.

I love you. I love you. I love you.


your future wife.

..

God & Brownies.

I feel like that could be the title to a book.
A few weekends ago I had a couple girls from my cabin at camp spend the night.

We had a full night. There was tons of laughing and a lot of talking.
Some tears but many reassuring words spoken.
We sat in a circle on the floor. We were huddling under blankets as they talked
about life after coming home from camp.

It had been difficult for most of them. They missed being in the cabin every night
talking about their day. They missed being surrounding by people who loved them.
But what they mostly missed was talking about God.
They missed feeling Him so close.

We discussed why we felt that when we experience God and then leave that certain place we sometimes feel like we are leaving Him there as well.


I looked around the room and my heart was so full. I felt so in tune with their hearts, their feelings, their thoughts. Understanding was so thick.
These are such little girls. They are so new to the world.
And some have already seen that the world doesn't care how old they are it will throw it's hardest punches as soon as it can.

We decided to make brownies. And without anyone really saying anything we all got on the counter. I have a huge island and a lot of counter space so we all fit.
So we mixed the brownies and all ate a few bites before we cooked them!

It was ridiculous but so funny. We were just being kids.

I thought in that moment that I bet Jesus was laughing.
I'm sure His heart was as full if not fuller then mine.

The morning came too soon. After they left I sat down and made them all journals of their own.
I wrote them each something on the first page:

I told them that if this is the purpose we are to serve, living life with each other, knowing Him and knowing each other, thinking, laughing, breaking rules...
then it is a purpose I am so grateful to be called to do.

We must respond to Him, girls.


A few days ago I was talking with one of them.
We were talking about life and it's meaning.
She laughed and said, "it's God and brownies."


What a crazy precious life I am living at the moment.
I am so grateful for this time in my life.
Feeling very humbled and extremely blessed.

God is so good.
so purposeful.
so right.
so Beautiful.
so true to His word.
so fun.









..

I want.

I want to sleep beside an ocean tonight. I want to be more awake then I am. I want to see Love more clearly. I want to know that I am not alone. I want to get married. I want to hold a baby. I want to have more rings on my fingers. I want to speak right to your heart. I want to write and write and write. I want to birth dreams and beautiful thoughts into the world. I want to have homework. I want to see what's really going on. I want to cry so hard. I want to hear His voice. I want to run my fingers thru running water. I want to watch the sun rise on the highest rooftop in this city. I want to hang out with you. I want to know what's going on in your life. I want to see into your heart. I want to understand what I see. I want to be held. I want to be understood. I want to not have to explain myself. I want to work in a rehab center. I want to sleep under a bridge. I want to live in the depths of New York city. I want to run and never tire. I want to listen to music all day. I want to be wiser. I want to have the ability to heal hearts. I want to speak healing over others. I want to have millions upon millions of dollars and give it all away. I want nothing to do with gaining more possessions. I want pictures to cover my walls. I want to paint every day. I want time to no longer exist. I want to give myself completely to another person with no fear. I want to never question His calling on this life given to me. I want to seek and find. I want to truly see the depths of myself... maybe I don't. I want to break into a million pieces and go everywhere. I want to live in true freedom. I want to feel Him closer then I ever have. I want this ache to consume all of our souls. I want this ache to urge us to seek His face. I want to sleep peacefully. I want control. I want to be a sacrifice. I want to see more. I want to bring This closer to their hearts then ever before. I want to not be thought less of. I want for you to know that we are in this together. I want to simply live. I want to simply love. I want to simply come to Him.


I want to simply be.

..

Unpack.

Even tho I know I'm staying in this place for a long time I feel
this sick uneasy feeling of trying to figure out my next move.
I have to keep reminding myself that I can relax.
I can unpack. I can settle down.

Which is crazy to me at the moment.

The new apartment is calm and peaceful.
There is so much room for everything.

Many times a day I cry out in thankfulness.
It still hasn't hit me.

Do you ever have days or moments where you can literally feel the smile of God?
Like you can feel Him smiling at you?

Tonight I feel that.

It's been a crazy whirlwind of the past 8 months.
But I survived, I'm alive and here I am sitting on the floor of my empty
living room.


I'm hopeful for what tomorrow brings.
My family is coming to visit for the week.
They will see my life here, which I am most excited about.
I hope they will be proud of me.
I still feel like a small child a lot of the time.
I feel like I'm just a kid trying to figure this whole life thing out.

But I am hopeful.
Hopeful about the future.
And this blessed little house in the city.
I'm finally able to unpack.. my things, my heart.

I see good things ahead.
Even in the tragic moments that surround us daily,
I see hope and it's a good thing.

..

you, Him.

The internet is cutting in and out tonight.
My computer is being a bit slow.

I'm sitting in the coffee shop earphones in, writing away.
Every time I come I order an Iced Chai.
It kills my stomach but I dislike coffee and the taste of espresso.

They recognize me now, since I come at least twice a week.
I stay for at about 2 hours and just drink, listen and write.
I wonder what they think of me honestly.

Have you ever wondered that you could be the mystery?
You could be the one people are interested to know.
You are the thing that simply amazes someone?
You are the one they talk about in a curious way.
You cause others to question.

Instead of seeing others in that way.. they see you in the same.

You were created to cause explosions when you walk into the room.
Your presence causes them to listen to the sweet silence.
Your voice brings calm.
Your touch soothes.
Your ideas shake traditions.
Your prayers shake nations.

If only you knew I was talking about you.
If only you could see how you're looked at with such wonder.
Such anticipated excitement to see what you will do next.
Your next breath brings you closer, closer then you dare to know.

Your shapes and lines dance in light as air rushes to breathe you in.

You are what we are waiting for.
You are the mystery.
Your beginning broke the chain and end lies in wait.

You were given this life.
You were given this place.
You were given so much.

They are watching and waiting.

Realize Who is inside.
Realize What is moving in the depths of you.

Don't be afraid.
Don't shy away.

You are a magnificent being.
Created to breath out life and be the mystery.

Stop dying.
Stop living for you.

Start living for the You inside.

You were birthed to see.
See that there is more.
More to you, more to the mundane.

The mystery of You awaits.

I've found that when I try to figure out this mystery I find that it's really true.

It's really true that Life does exist.
I find the answers.
I find the purpose.
I find the meaning of day to day.
I find the good in suffering.
I find the joy of waiting in rushed times.
I find the peace in chaos.
I find the love I've been breaking for.

The roar of the holy rumblings in my belly to soothe the frustration of [my]self.
To know that it's never been about me but You.


The mystery inside you is.....

Him.

..

Nothing Like.

I am home.
For just a moment.

I have so much to say right now.
But I don't feel like I need to write them.
I feel like they have already been heard.
Not on earth but up in the realms of the holies.

I am so grateful for this life given me.
There is so much I do not deserve.
I still don't understand a lot.
There is still a lot to be discovered.
There are still many things to overcome.
Things to face down and victories to be won.

But right now I am a child in my parent's house.
A sister to my brother. A friend to the friendless.
An important part of this family.
A designed component to this world.
A lover of Jesus.

so this weekend I will take pictures, laugh loudly,
give and receive love and etch this moment in my heart for a long time.



Because, right now, this is all we have.


..

I love.

This beautiful girl is my Mom.



I love that I look like her.
I love that she's my mom.
I love that she loves Jesus.
I love that she is kind.
I love that she is merciful.
I love that she is understanding.
I love that she trys to understand me when I'm not making sense.
I love that even tho we disagree she still loves me & answers me softly.
I love that she answers my calls when she's at work.
I love that she asks, "how can I help you?" even tho I'm a thousand miles away.
I love that she crys easily.
I love to hear that she wanted me born.
I love that we laugh when we're together.
I love that she's not only my mom but a friend.


..