Breakfast By The Sea.

It had been the worst week of my life.
Constant thoughts of the tragedy that had happened only a few days ago.
I began thinking to myself when was this going to end?
When was the pain in my soul going to stop?
The thoughts and questions and images kept flashing before me.
I couldn't sleep or eat or let alone talk without tears pouring down my face.

I told them I didn't know Him.
I fought them off with my words, those bloody words that let Him die.
I told Him I loved Him, I told Him I'd never leave.
He was my friend, He was my life.

I watched as they took Him away from us.
I was a talker and could hardly ever be at a loss for words but that day I don't remember saying anything.
Except, "No."
3 times I said No and said them with such force that I wanted to mean it.
I was wrecked with guilt. Shame was so heavy it was hard to breathe.

Then they slaughtered Him. Beat Him almost to death but instead hung Him humiliatingly in front of the city while half of them laughed and the others was overcome with silence.
I didn't sleep at all that night.
I didn't pray, I didn't want to think.
I just wanted one more minute with Him.
One more chance to tell Him I was so deeply sorry.
Oh my heart hurt so bad I wanted to die.

The agony I felt as the weekend went on was unbearable.
My closest friends and I were together a lot that weekend.
No one really said anything. We didn't know how to ease the pain in our own hearts let alone an other's.

I decided to go fishing, my friends joined me.
I wanted to try to get back to life as normal.
[If there was ever going to be a normal after this]
I sat in the back of the boat with my eyes closed.
I didn't want to be there. I just wanted to see Him again.
We weren't catching any fish that entire day. I didn't care.
We slept that night at sea. In the morning, still no fish.

It was still the early morning when off in the distance I heard a voice.
There stood a man on the shore. He asked us if we had caught any fish.
We replied, "No."
No, I began to almost hate that word.
That man told us throw the net over again.
I continued to sit there was heavy eyes when one of my friends whispered,
"It's Him!"
I jump up and there He was standing alone on the shore.
My heart raced and I immediately dove into the water.
I didn't know what I would say when I got there I just wanted to be with Him.

I reached the shore when our eyes met. His eyes were the clearest I had ever seen.
So deep and solid. My eyes filled with tears but I couldn't bring myself to speak a word.

He built a fire on the shore and with the fish we caught He made us breakfast.
We sat and ate in quiet. No one wanted to question what was happening.
We had just witnessed His horrific death and now a few days later here He was eating fish with us.
I felt ashamed as if the word guilty was tattooed across my forehead for everyone to see.

After breakfast He looked over at me. I became tense waiting to hear what He had to say.
He asked me, "Do you love me?"
My heart screamed inside YES! And I responded with, "Yes, you know I love you.
He asked me again and I again responded with the same thing.
The third time when He asked I was saddened.
Then I realized He what He was trying to show me.

He knows I love Him, but did I love Him the way He loved me?
Would I literally lay my life down for Him as He did for me?
In my heart I knew the answer.

I used to always be quick with my words.
His teaching and sayings would create such a passion within me that I would spout off promises left and right.
"I will never betray you!"
"I could never walk out on you."
"I will always follow you!"
"You are the Son of God!"

But then I began to think. Did I really mean those things or was I just caught up in the excitement of the adventure and passion of the moment?

When He asked me the third time if I loved Him I responded with,
"You know all things and You know that I love You."
He knew my heart, He saw all the things I struggled with.
I trusted Him. He knew I loved Him.

He softly smiled and patted my shoulder.
A warm calm flooded my heart.
He began talking with the others has I kept thinking.
He loves me and I love Him but I realized that I would never be able to love Him the way that He loves me.
When He said things to me He meant them.
Not in the,'yeah I mean them'
but in the, 'I will go to death for the things I promise you.'

There was a difference. A difference I didn't see until now.
He commands me to love like He does.
And for the first time that day I truly promised Him I would.
Since that day I understood.

I still go back to that same beach late at night and wait for the sun to rise.
I think about the breakfast He made us and the things He taught me in that short talk we had.

I will never forget it. That day when He showed me His grace.
I am a humble and free man but a slave for His grace.
For I can do nothing by my will alone, only with His grace.



John 21.

..

Perspectives.

I came home from work and crashed on the bed, I fell asleep on accident.
I get a phone call from my mom later that evening waking me up.
She told me to call her back.

I sent this email to her late last night:

Hey Mom,
Sorry I didn't call you back tonight.
Tomorrow I have the day off.
I have to get my oil changed and clean out my car and hopefully find my checks!
But I went ahead and sent you the money this afternoon, it's in cash.
Also, I just wanted to let you know that I spent last night in the ER with a mild sprain to my back.
Thankfully it wasn't broken just injured from when I had to jump out of the second story window when my joint caught my room on fire after I fell asleep smoking this afternoon.
Luckily the baby wasn't harmed in all the craziness. Yes, I'm pregnant. By whom, I'm not sure. That's beside the point.
Actually none of that is true, I was really pulled over today because I was speeding.
By the grace of God I was set free with just a warning.
[I think it was all the tears and the horror story I told him about my life that gave him sympathy towards me]
So I don't know if there is going to be a letter sent to the house stating that I was stopped by the Po Po today or not.
If it is you have my permission to rip it up :]

Umm.. don't be mad?

I LOVEYOU!



I get this email from her this morning:

oh my! -ok, The one thing that shocked me the most is that you sent cash in the mail!!....



It's nice to know she has her priority's straight when it comes to me.
haha!

..

Timing Is Everything.

I feel like I've been doing this my whole life......
Waiting.

For what I'm not exactly sure.. but I could make a few good guesses.

The modeling audition went amazingly well.
I did a commercial for Laughing Cow cream cheese and had to show them my runway walk.
I felt completely confident and so much at peace.
I was the tallest girl there in my flats.
I had no doubt in my mind that they were going to call me back.
And when they did call me back I was shaking with excitement.

It all came down too quickly.
There were a lot of things to take into consideration.
A lot to think about... and a lot of hard things to hear.
I kept praying, kept listening for His voice.

Wait.

I've been told wait before. Too many times then I can remember.
So wait I will.
But as I do recall the other times I've been told to wait... the thing I ended up waiting for was turned into this life changing experience.

Even though I want this so badly, I see visions of myself doing this...
I'll wait because I've learned to trust in His timing.
It's been a long road to learn to trust in timing but it has never failed me.


ahh... New York, L.A. you'll have to wait.
But I'll see you soon enough.

..

Proverbs 19:21

In a couple of hours I'm headed downtown for my first modeling audition...
Of all the things I thought I'd be doing with my life,
this was the least of them.




..

Even In The Little Things.

I stepped foot in this state and war was immediately declared.
Little did I know, of course.

I was talking with a good friend the other night. I was telling him what's been going on the last few weeks. He let out a laugh and said,
"It's crazy how much you are being tested. Ever since you moved here it's test after test after test."
I felt relief when he spoke that, finally someone else sees what's happening.
I'm not just going crazy or being a baby, I'm being pulled thru the ringer.

Today I was in rare form.
It was a hectic morning with down pouring rain and mean co-workers.
Many things weighed heavily on my mind as I ran errands this afternoon.
In an earlier conversation I felt like I wasn't being heard or even listened to.
There were a few situations where I felt completely helpless and overwhelmed.
It was as if life was rushing in on all sides and I had nothing to grab a hold of.

I get a phone call in the middle of this and I unleash the emotions building in my little heart.
My voice gets louder and louder as I recount the past weeks and the situations and the frustrations and it all just became too much.
Telling them if this is one big test I'm in then I failed miserably.
They listen and understand and give wisdom and tell me to pray.
My phone dies in the conversation. I look up in the mirror and all I could say was, "God, please."

I was still in the car so I got out and ran my last few errands.
I felt raw and sad. I wanted to get something good to eat, go home, watch a movie and sleep.
I was debating about getting something to eat because I was running low on cash.
I went ahead & popped into Chipotle. The line was long and it was hard to hear the people behind the counter.
I order my burrito of goodness and saw that the guy at the register was one of my regular costumers at Starbucks.
I must of looked like a hot mess because he looked at me with concerned eyes.
He smiled and handed me my food without charging me.

I was taken back. Wait.. what?
Tears swirled in my eyes as I walked out the door to my car.


Don't you see how much I love you? I will always provide for you, even in the little things. Do not worry, I am here. It's going to be alright.



He is here.
Always here.
My heart is at rest.

..

But by the grace of God, I am what I am.

I gave you my heart in exchange for a brand new start.
Lord then you made me clean and set my apart.
You see I was in the dark but He's the bright and morning star.
Oh with Your amazing grace You put a smile on my face.
Died on a cross but He rose again, dipped me in His blood and washed away my sins.


I will always remember that morning. I was 19 years old.
I was angry and wanted absolutely nothing to do with 'love'.
I had had enough run-ins with 'love' that I cynically laughed when people talked about it.
I was writing in my journal sitting at the table in my dorm room.
I started writing about Jesus' love. I had always believed in it but never believed it for myself.
Yeah, love was for everyone BUT me.

And then it happened as soon as I started writing. This overwhelming joy & confidence flooded over me.
I was laughing and my hands were shaking I had to stop writing.
In that moment I felt loved. I knew Jesus was ripping open heaven and drowning me in His love.

After I stopped laughing I was in shock. My heart was pierced.
I felt a huge rush of purpose in my life.

I will forever proclaim Your Love.
I will forever live for this very person, Love.
I will never give up on Love.

3 years since then I have not stopped.
It's been the hardest 3 years of my life.
But Love has always won.

The 'rewards' here on earth are few.
My heart has certainly been ripped apart more times then I care to count.
But that's the risk you take in living such a vulnerable life.

I will give ANYTHING for you to feel this Love.
To experience Love in its purest form is a life changing event.
Yes, I stumble and still doubt when all I see is darkness.
But I have to remind myself of this purpose.
This purpose that saved my life.

TO LOVE.

Tonight as I speak to that room full of kids I might get choked up.
I might even stand with tears streaming down my face.
But I do not care.
Love breaks my heart. It causes me to cry tears of humbleness and joy.


At the end of my talk I'll be playing this video.
I pray it has full effect on the hearts of these kids.



..

He Kissed Her Scar.

I sat with tight hands and hopeful thoughts as I watched Slumdog Millionaire.
The story kept me engaged the entire time.
My heart broke and anger flooded over me at times.
I was angered at the sheer injustice that was handed this precious boy.
But also aching at the massive turmoil he experienced at such a tender age.

During his life he became friends with another slum girl. They lost connection more times then you could imagine but were somehow always brought back together.
He had such faith when life and other undeserved circumstances split them apart that they would be together again.
Every time his faith won.

Throughout each of their lives they endured immense scars, mostly emotional.
But the slum girl received a physical scar on her cheek by a knife from her tormentors.

At the end of the movie when he sees her again she runs to her with tear filled eyes, grabs her face leans in & kisses her scar.
At that moment all the memories of their lives come rushing back to them in a scramble of hurt filled scenes.
But as he kissed her scar it was all WORTH IT.

And it all hit me tonight.
Being alone on this potentially hurtful holiday.
Every one's inner dream is captured in that one moment.
We all want our scars kissed, we want to be told our hurts are acknowledged and seen.
We beg to be healed even if we never actually speak the words.

I cannot wait for that day when it's just me and Jesus.
He will see everything about me. My mistakes, my failures, my victories with Him, my shames, my awesome times and guilt. He will see it all.
But then after all those are taken care of I believe that He will lean in, with tear filled eyes and kiss my scars.
Not only the visible ones but the dark deep ones.
The ones few if any know about. And in that moment every one of my tears will be wiped away. Every one of my aches will be soothed.

What a day that will be.
Now as we go on thru life with victories and freedoms and new scars formed and old ones slowly being healed, remember that day is near.
Our heart aches will be justified. Our pain will be wiped away.
& we will learn that IT WAS ALL WORTH IT.



..

One of those days.

I wish you could hear this song I'm listening to right now.
It's been helping to soothe my heart all day.


I'm lost
oh more and more of You
this bread You gave,
You have taken all away
oh that You steal my heart
oh that You would capture me
oh that I would give my all
hold nothin back
this love
its liquid gold to me
Your beauty, my eyes are all on You
I can't resist Your love
I'm overwhelmed
Jesus I can't go on without You.
oh Jesus you take my breath away.


Why are you downcast O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.
psalm 42:11

those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.
psalm 126:5




because Your love is better than life...
psalm 63:3


..

80's Baby.

I was definitely made in the 80's.
So tonight we had 80's Prom with Young Life.

When we realized that the oldest Senior there was really born in 91' it made the leaders feel extremely old.
Hey wait, we're adults?? When did THAT happen??!!

I was sporting the infamous side ponytail with a royal blue dress [with attached shoulder pads] and black high heels. Along with the blue eye shadow and blush that scared many kids away.
It was totally awesome.
We sang Livin' on a Prayer, Free Fallin' etc.





If you can see in the background we were at Taco Bueno.
...we actually went out in public like this.

"Everybody have fun tonight, Everybody Wang Chung tonight!"




yes the clock is right, 3:15am... my life is nuts!
goodnight haha.

..

Marriage, chocolate, awkward joke.

I wish you were sitting beside me tonight.
I'm alone in this house again.
This was expected since I am house sitting but being alone gets old fast.
It's nice to have time to myself but I need you.
I need voices around me and people cooking in the kitchen.
I need knocks on the door and laughter coming from my room.
Anyway I'm just saying I wish you were here.

I'm laying on my bed on my stomach eating some peanut mnm's [thanks mom] starring at the little black line flashing in wait for me to type something.
Music is coming from the player while the fan hums softly overhead.
It's the perfect scene for a great conversation.
One of deep questions and "what are you thinking right now?" kind of deals.
Sometimes I go thru life and there are moments I want to capture for later.
Because they would be the perfect scenes set up for the perfect moment or conversation or revelation or change in the core of who you are.

Who the heck is going to marry me?! I'm such a dreamer, even in the littlest things.
I can't even keep up with myself. haha.

Earlier this week I had drank all the milk in the fridge and since the carton was empty I sat it on the counter. The trash was full so I was going to wait to take the trash out to throw it away. I got distracted, life happened and the milk jug was pushed to the back of the counter. Tonight I see it sitting on the counter. So I open the lid to smash the carton to fit in the trash.
I then experienced the most G-d awful smell I have ever smelled in my life!!!
I screamed and jerked away and threw up a little in my mouth.
It was outta control. The smell stills lingers a little over the sink.
Ahem, so I learned my lesson. Don't put off today what should of been done YESTERDAY.
Live and Learn.


I still wish you were here, then I could of replayed the whole scene over for you in person.
And now I really wish you were here to share this bag of mnm's with me because I have control issues with chocolate. I can't stop!
Honestly... who is going to happen upon me in this lowly state and be brave enough to think.. hey she's a catch I'm going to marry her!
I pray for him, wherever you are dear, get prepared.
:]

Enough about me and my future husband and issues with chocolate... what do you think about me?
bahaha!

Alright, really.
I'm gonna make like a fetus and head out.
Ok really that is enough.

Goodnight.




..

I killed Him.

My heart has been really hurting lately.
But it's a different hurt I've not experienced before.
I think Jesus has done an extreme work in my heart.
Because when I used to feel this way insecurity and doubt would continually flash before me but now I see the Truth of the situation and realize who I am.

My favorite ring split the other night.
I wear it on my left index finger.
It's silver with the words FEAR NOT written in black across it.
I pray I can find one like it or better to replace it.

I walked into the store today and was wondering around, checking out the rings and picture frames.
I stepped into a corner that had the coolest painted pictures.
They had such depth and meaning.
My eyes scanned the walls until I saw all of them.
I glanced down to see the pictures on the ground when I saw sitting in the corner a crown of thorns.
It was brutal and too real.
I slowly bent down and stared at the awful sight of it.
The thorns were long, thick and jagged. There were too many to count.
The image flashed in my mind of me pounding this torturous device into the precious head of Jesus.
I couldn't breathe. My eyes filled with tears as I bit my bottom lip.
But the Truth was too real to deny.
I killed Him. My sin slaughtered Him.
My eyes fill with tears even now.
I whispered that I was so sorry. I kept turning away and looking back.
It literally hurt to look at it.
To know that this was really jammed into His head.
And the mere fact that He didn't die just by that alone made my stomach sick.
My insides began to ache and my eyes were blurry with tears.
I stood back up and immediately felt a comforting strength around me.

Oh man, if we only know the depths that He has gone for us.
I cannot imagine. I'm not even sure I want to know.
To realize the seriousness of my sin.
The ugliness that drove Love to die.
To be murdered, broken, beaten, soaking in blood on a stick.

That without Jesus I am an ugly, sick, heartless, pervert.
That's the Truth. I am nothing without Him.
There is no purpose to me except Him.
In that store, face to face with the consequence of my sin was an awful experience.
But sometimes we need to see the ransom to understand the redemption.

Thank you Lord, for showing me myself without You.
I am so sorry. So truly sorry.
Thank You for saving me. Oh my heart rejoices with the thought!
Thank You for dying for me. Again I am so sorry.
Thank You for giving me a way out of hell.
Your Love has changed my life forever.
I can no longer deny that You are real.
I can no longer deny that Love exists.

Precious Friend, Savior, Love...
I know You love me.
My heart is whole in that thought.

..

Ghosts of the Unreal.

You were made for great things.
For lavish adventures.
For ridiculous endings.

Most of us don't ever see those adventures or grand endings.
Most of us never even wake up.


I had a dream this morning.
3 of them actually.
They all started the same, I woke up and walked the hall to the bathroom.
I talked with one of my friends in the shower then it ended.
I awoke again went to the bathroom and talked with my friend.
For the 3rd time it happened again.

When are we going to realize that this is all a fake.
Nothing here is real. Nothing you see lasts.
Nothing stands forever.
Why do I put so much faith in these meaningless things that I believe I love?
Why don't I yet understand that this is all fading away faster then I can grasp?
Why do I continue to hold expectations to others begging them to fulfill my love?
And become angry when humans cannot understand the yearnings of my heart.
Why do I place such precious things in front of Man when I know they will just get thrown back.
Why do I search after uplifting words from others when I know those are empty words that will just cover over the symptom of my bleeding heart.

I'm fading faster then I want to believe.
Life is but a mist of water.
It's over before it begins for most.

Don't you get it? Nothing you own will sustain you.
Nothing on earth can get us out of this.
We are in need of a Savior.

I don't want to be like most.
I was not made to live like this.
Don't you feel it too?
Don't tell me I'm alone in this, this burning ache for more.
More of the spiritual, more of the Love, more of the deep things I was made to know.

I must see thru the faze.
The faze of the unreal.
I've tasted a Reality so sweet my lips scream for another down pour.
WAKE UP, WAKE UP. Hear the souls bell ring.

This Love is real. His words stand forever.
We fade He remains.
Minutes slip away. Open your eyes.
See Him standing before you.
////////


If you listen just right, you can almost hear it.
The symphony of secrecy, love and fear.

Like a moth to a flame, we become helpless
To the beautiful ghosts
That true love sheds.

We are all running our very own races,
Set out upon the most dangerous of places.
And through it all, we were left
With a void in our chests,
We're aching to fill.

The doves come
To gather our every need,
They lift them up to Heaven
Through the mouths from which we speak.

God, will you help us understand the meaning of it all?
Will you send your Angels down to us, at our every call?
Sometimes it seems the world is passing us
Faster than my eyes can adjust.

I can't decide
If I'm living or I'm dying.
So I test Your Love and I test Your Love, I test Your Love
-Ghosts, Sleeping At Last

..

No, really I could of died!

Late last night as I was getting out of my car I quickly hurried to the house.
It has been a creepy last two nights trying to sleep completely alone in this massive house.
So as I walked swiftly up to the front door, I saw someone run up behind me.
I was so terrified I froze then screamed like my life depended on it.
Still screaming in fear and frozen solid I soon realized it was my own shadow being cast upon the house when I accidentally stepped in front of the lawn light.


oh, ahem... haha.


..

Good Things...

...will follow you.

I sat at the kitchen table and explained to the girl I mentor and her family that I will be moving out.
I was unexpectedly offered to house sit for an older couple on the Young Life committee for the local schools.
I was hesitant at first and sad.
Change seems to be ever present in my life these past few months.

Holding back tears I told them I would miss them terribly.
It's going to be extremely different going from a small house with 4 people to a large mansion by myself.

They said they were really excited for me. And they see great opportunities coming of this.
"Dear, good things will always follow you. Keep your trust in God and always do the right thing."
I smiled and nodded as she spoke those words to me.
When you're always telling yourself those things it gets old and after a while isn't encouraging but when you hear it from someone else it speaks volumes.

The new house is beautiful. I have the upstairs corner room with my own bathroom and walk in closet!
I was moving in today and felt really weird.
Lonely maybe, but weird definitely.

I do ask for your prayers.
That I won't be lonely in this new season in my life.
& that God will provide faithful friends.

thank you so much.

"surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life..."
-psalm 23:6



..

All Things are Possible.

There will be things in your life that will not make sense.
And most of those things will deal with who you are and God.

You see when the angel appeared to Mary that fateful day [when she was to found out she was going to give birth to the Son of God] he immediately greeted her as 'highly favored one,the Lord is with you, blessed among women.'
At that she was perplexed. Umm.. what did you just say about me?
One translation of the bible it says: "she was greatly troubled and disturbed and confused at what he said and kept revolving in her mind what such a greeting might mean."

In all reality when someone walks into the room they usually don't say:
"Hello beautiful one, with such a good heart, you are loved!"

It would take you by surprise and you would probably laugh.
BUT what if that statement was true.

Listen with me for a minute.

When the angel appeared to Mary he immediately called out the things in her that he saw, the things of WHO SHE WAS.
And because Mary did not know who she really was, she was troubled and blushed at the thought of being highly favored and blessed among women.

She was a bit confused and seriously troubled as to why an angel of the Lord was with her. But what if she knew who she was. What if when the angel appeared to her and said those things, she knew the angel was from the Lord because he called her things she already knew about herself. So then when he went on to explain that she would in fact be the mother of the Son of God it wouldn't have shocked her as it did.
She would of been comfortable and confident in the mission place before her.

Another interesting thing is that the angel did not have to declare who he was to Mary. She immediately knew that he was a messenger of the Lord.
She saw that Lord was with him. He was confident in who he was, who he was made to be, a messenger of the Lord.

Think of it this way, if you will.
The angel knew who he was. Knew who he was created to be. So when God calls him and tells him to go tell Mary that she is going to give birth to Jesus, he didn't question.
Wait, what? Who me?
He heard what God asked of him and did it. Having full faith and trust in God that even though this sounded very radical and it might have to take a lot of explaining to do, he went ahead with his message to Mary because HE KNEW WHO HE WAS.

I desire to be like that.
I want to know who I am. Know what I'm called to do.
I want to have radical things take place in my life.
And when they do I don't want to be confused or question but instead be confident.

I want to call out things in others that are the Truth, so that they too might get a glimpse of who they really are.
And maybe in that I will find that that is what I was created to do.
Call out Truth. Lead others to Truth, in who they are, who Jesus is.

You are loved.
You are safe.
You are highly favored.
...






Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean NOT on your own understanding.

..

Slouchy Hobo.

Supposedly I'm one.

Slouchy Hobos write in a blog.
Slouchy Hobos work at Starbucks.
Slouchy Hobos are extremely tired.
Slouchy Hobos dye their hair often.
Slouchy Hobos miss their family.
Slouchy Hobos have the best family.
Slouchy Hobos win $100 gift cards at Young Life Christmas Parties.
Slouchy Hobos get surprise packages in the mail.
Slouchy Hobos are incredibly grateful.
Slouchy Hobos take pictures in bathrooms.
Slouchy Hobos know that they are loved.

I came home from an 11 hour work day to two boxes sitting by the door.
I opened it and saw the books and few shirts that my mom said she was going to send.
BUT THEN I saw it.
I dropped everything and screamed.
It was THE PERFECT BAG.
Only a few months ago I had seen a bag similar to this one.
I had really wanted to get it but I never had the money and it was never on sale.
I saw it here in town a few weeks ago and prayed that I could get it somehow.



Now here it was in my hands perfect color and all.
The style of the bag is called Slouchy Hobo.
I couldn't of asked for anything better.
My precious Aunt Lynn went early Christmas shopping for me and bought it.
And honestly this Christmas I wasn't expecting anything let alone THE PERFECT BAG!

My Aunt Karen and Uncle Jon also sent me chocolate which is ALWAYS the best idea to send a Slouchy Hobo.


Yeah, I'm excited.

I'm so grateful.
Thank you all so much.
..

Dirty Hands.

We drove with the sun slowly setting behind us.
The evening concert was held in a beat up old warehouse down town.
The outside looked broken down and the remains of life were few.
We parked under a bridge and covered our ears when the train come screaming over head.

The concert was to help kids over in Africa. The Invisible Children to be exact.
There was good music and good conversations we were able to have with others standing around.
One girl had the word LOVE scribbled across her hand. Another guy wore a shirt that had a ripped up heart on the side.
We came from different places and all had a story of our own.


Michelle and I decided to leave early. We took pictures as we walked to our car under the bridge.
I looked up and saw an older gruff-looking homeless man walking swiftly away from us. When he saw me looking at him he threw his hands up and said, "no harm ma'am."
I just smiled and nodded my head.
I immediately wanted to know his name.
I walked up behind him, "Excuse me Sir."

He stopped and I asked if there was anything I could pray about for him.
He said, "just keep me in your prayers."
I asked him his name, "Darrell."
I reached my hand out and said it was nice to meet him.
He immediately jerked his hand back, "My hands are dirty, you don't want to shake my hand."
"Yes I do, that doesn't matter." I kept my hand stretched out towards him.
He looked at me then shook my hand.

As we both walked away he turned around and shouted, "remember me in your prayers, you are going to pray for me right?"
Yes Darrell, yes. I promise you I will pray for you.

I looked down at my hand covered in dirt. My palm was blackened.
He wasn't kidding when he said his hands were dirty.

<>.<>.<>.<>.<>

I talked with another kid earlier this week. He's on drugs, in an abusive home and weighs at least 50 pounds less then me.
He said, "I think that if Jesus were here He would love me and all my friends who deal with addictive behaviors and substance abuse problems."

Those words are so true it aches my heart.

I didn't care that Darrell's hands were extremely dirty with who knows what on them. I don't care that my friends strung out on drugs or that she cuts herself every night.
I DO CARE, but it doesn't hold me back from holding them, or getting beside them in the mud and sickness of sin.
They need help, we need help. They need to be told that they're right, they did mess up [we all did] but redemption is possible.
Rescue is coming.
You can be healed.
I want to get beside those people. I want to show Love in the middle of this hatred.
Because I've sat on the bench for too long.

I wanna hold the dirty hands.
don't you?
..

Food Inspector & Crowd Control.

I'm so thankful for friends who are like family.
And for families who open their hearts to comfort yours.

Thanksgiving was great.
We went to this wonderful older lady's house.
She made us all name tags. There was about 17 people all together.
She also put a twin bed sheet as the table cloth and asked us to draw or write what we are thankful for.
In her living room were all the other bed sheets thru out the years.
It was really cool and something I think I will start when I have my own thanksgiving.

If any of you have a chance, stop by your nearest Starbucks to see all the hard work your lovely barsitas put into setting up for Christmas.
I left work at 1:30am thanksgiving morning and we still were not done.

Have you heard the new Fray song? It's call You Found Me.
It's intriguing. I believe he's crying out from his heart.
Questions, reasons, blames, confusion.

I really believe that singers and song writers need to be wise with their words.
Words have such a deep impact on others and songs just put strong emotions behind those words.
Their songs could be creating a false world or screaming truth.
just a thought....






helping make the eggs.



cody, kelly and I.
[he is the main Young Life leader.]



I'm thankful for you.
..

God wants me to tell you something:

He is very fond of you.

..

I was born into war.

Every thought a battle. Every choice waiting for me in eternity.
Every word hanging in the balance of my not-so-distant future.
Every action creating rippling affects.

My heart is a bleeding mess.
I'm on the front lines as I watch my 'friends' retreat.
What am I really fighting for?
Do I have the right weapons?
I just want peace.

I heard it said that once we realize we were born into war we will be able to handle life more effectively day to day.
Because everything is a battle.
right and wrong.
good and evil.
Love and hate.

Something is battling for my heart. My mind. My time. My life.
And I want to be effective in these times.
I want to stand for something & not give in.

I must realize that I'm not fighting against you.
Because the fight was never between me and you.
[We were created to be one together, you know]
It's that part that we were all born with.
The part that makes you mock me. The part that wants you to cut me a cheap deal.
The part that whispers, no one is looking.

We all have that part inside us. Some hide it better then others.

I've begun to wake up every morning being grateful my eyes opened.
That there is air in my lungs.
My fight still continues.

I'm very tired. Emotionally tired.
Love hurts. It cuts deep.
But it's worth it.

I'm fighting for you to see.
To see Love as He truly is.
Not some unrealistic idea who is distant and cold.
But something that changes hearts.
Love that gives purpose to these battles.
That comes along side & gives hope and courage in the dark days.
Because there are many dark days and many who have no hope.

When the battle seems too gruesome and the blood has drenched your clothes.
And the white flag of surrender seems like the only comforting friend...
just remember that we win.

yes, we win.

the hill of victory is just ahead.
And I want you standing beside me on that day.
don't give up. don't think otherwise. rescue is on His way.

..

I'm so forgetful but You always remind me.
So I come to tell you I love you.
To tell You I need you.
To tell You there's no better place for me then in Your arms.
I'm sorry for running in circles,
for placing my focus on the waves not on Your face.
You're the only one who brings me peace.

In the midst of troubles I always try to keep my mind busy.
I don't want to dwell on the circumstances.
This is often more of a problem then helpful.
I think others call it denial?
haha.
anyway, I've been keeping myself busy and trying to focus on right things.
But I think more often then not I even keep myself busy from Jesus.
I ignore the whisper to settle down and listen.
The little signs thru out the day to be still.
I keep pushing forward trying to get thru this season or mess as quickly as possible.

A few days ago we went to a small town festival. There was a lot of things to see. Some really good, free snacks [that we took total advantage of] and cool photo opportunities.
We were walking around and something caught my eye. It was written on the back of the stage not in clear view. I read it, then re read it. Then let it sink in.



Thank You for reminding me.


Every morning I read a book called God Calling.
Simply stated this is what I read yesterday morning:

You must trust to the end. You must be ready to go on trusting to the last hour. You must know even when you cannot see... You must be ready, like My servant Abraham, to climb that Hill of Sacrifice, to go to the very last moment, before you see My Deliverance.
This final test has to come to all who walk by Faith. You must rely on Me alone. Look to no other arm, look for no other help. Trust in the Spirit Forces of the Unseen, not in those you see. Trust and fear not.

..

I survived Roe vs. Wade.

On Sunday a few of the girls wanted to take me to a french bakery for lunch.
It was very crowded. We found a little table in the back room.
Families dressed for church surrounded us on all sides.

The conversation started about an unwed celebrity in the media who is supposedly pregnant with her second baby.
One of the girls made the remark, "I wonder if she thought of having an abortion."
"She probably did." I said.

The girls asked me what I thought and what an abortion actually is.
I put down my water and told them what I knew.
The look on their faces were of complete horror and disgust.
"I had no idea." was one of the responses.

We finished and went home but this conversation has stayed with me longer.
I picked up a book called Pro Life Answers to Pro choice Arguments.
It is amazing. It's so black and white in this trying-to-be gray world.
It has caused me to think...

When all of our protesting and prayers and arguments are finally answered with a resounding YES ABORTION IS NOW ILLEGAL what are we gonna do?
Because, people who love Jesus, there is going to be a lot of babies born to women who do not want them.
What are we gonna do?
We need to get prepared.
Are we gonna sit back down and say, Amen! finally our cries have been heard and then do nothing?
Or are we gonna go back out and open our homes to foster babies, or give money to adoption agencies to help families who don't have the money to adopt.
Will you open your home to the women whose boyfriend kicks her out because she is choosing to have the baby instead of just killing it?
The stats show that if only 7% of 'christians' would adopt there would be no orphans in the world.

How are you being Pro Life instead of just saying that you are?

Once our cries have been heard and the genocide that's happening to these innocent lives is stopped there is going to be a bunch of other issues that come up and we need to be prepared to deal with them.

When Roe vs. Wade was put into practice the odds were against me to be born alive.
And for most of my generation they didn't make it.
Who knows, my best friend or future husband could of been killed.
And that makes me very angry.

so, Thanks Mom. Thank you for letting me live and making me a survivor.
I'm so thankful I'm alive. Even in the bad times I'm glad I'm here at this time.



and I'm thankful these crazy girls made it too :]
life would be awfully different without them.

..

healing rain.

"I suppose that since most of our hurts come through relationships so will our healing." -The Shack.

I've only lived here a week so far but most kids know my name and I'm starting to link faces to names, names to stories and stories to wounds.

Last night was the first Young Life club I attended.
They spoke about this Jesus guy and how He showed compassion to a woman caught in the act.
Everyone was curious as to what Jesus actually wrote in the sand before He spoke to her accusers. And I bet as He leaned down to write in the sand beside the naked ashamed woman He wrote: watch this.
And with that then turned and completely blew everyone away showing her Love and Compassion.

After that we all went to Taco Bueno. As we were in the parking lot talking with a few kids it started to down pour. They all started to run inside when myself and another girl stayed out there running around playing.
When everyone saw what we were doing they all came back out!
There was about 20 kids all together out there totally soaked.
It was so fun!

After the rain calmed down and everyone was getting freezing cold we went inside and had some awesome tacos.
But as I was sitting there watching all the kids tell their stories of what happened in the rain and who fell in what puddle and that they drove their parents car tonight and will be killed when they take it home totally wet.. I thought of something.

This is ministry.

Living life with these kids. Everyday in and out building relationships with the broken and hurting. The kids who would never tell you what's actually going on at home but you can see it in their eyes. The kids who don't want to be thrown a bible story but just listened to.
They want to be loved but they would never tell you that.
They just want someone to come along side of them and live life.
I believe that's where we're here to do.
When the kids experience heartache and embarrassment we turn to them and say: hey watch this. As we show them acceptance and mercy & how Jesus can really change things.
If we aren't showing it to them, who is?

I heard it said somewhere that we are suppose to hold our hands against the bleeding wounds of the world.
It's a messy job but the healing to come is worth it.

love like it's worth the pain.

..

that's a bold move.

I had the meeting with Cody, the Young Life leader.
It went extremely well.
This guy loves Jesus intensely.

He is really excited to get me involved with the kids.
I'm really excited too. It seems perfect.
Exactly the type of hands on ministry I want to get involved in.

I'll be going to the high school homecoming football game this friday.
They want me to meet more of the kids there.
I'll be sure and take pictures.

He asked why I moved here and I said I wanted to get closer to the girls and just live life with them.
He kind of laughed and said "Well that's a pretty bold move, moving out here all by yourself."

Yeah, I guess it is.

plans for tonight: watch the debate with some of the girls.
and hopefully The Office. only ONE girl here watches it...
I was shocked. haha.

goodnight.

..

come and listen.

"Let me tell you what He has done for me
[what] He has done for you
[what] He has done for us"

I'm finally here. It's almost strange how I've simply fit into this city. I already could give you directions if you got lost here. I think that is in part due to my some what photographic memory.

a few nights ago the girls took me to Taco Bueno to see all of their friends.
that was quite the scene. haha.
I met with the Young Life leader for the schools here in town and we are having a meeting this week.
He said he would love for me to help out.

I've picked up on a lil bit of spanish, since I live with a Hispanic family.

I've been able to talk with some girls since I've arrived.
they are very open to letting me listen to them and get involved in their lives.
that is a huge blessing that I pray continues.

I'm hopeful and scared.
I wonder if Jesus was ever those at the same time as well?

everything is coming together.
life is a terrible beautiful mess.
but one that I am thankful to have.

& i miss these ones very much...


..