Faithful not Self Sufficent.

I have to trust that nothing is a surprise to our lives.
They are known, along with every detail we overlook.
We are put together with meticulous care and love.

Even purposed pain.

Gosh. That last part gets me.
Because I hate it.

Pain.
Especially when it's inflicted by the actions of someone else.

It arrives in a pretty package.
You must open.

Out bursts the anger.
You feel alone.
Hope is running fast.
The lie creeps in: you are not wanted.


But then as quickly as it comes.
The presence of another comes quicker.


Within 24 hours.
My best friend arrived early in the morning.
I was still sleeping but quickly awoke and ran down the hallway into the tightest embrace.
Almost squeezing out tears.
My belly ached.

I was home for Christmas and hadn't seen her face in 3 hundred and 50 some odd days.

We sat on my bed.
In the room where I spent all of my junior and high school years.
That room has seen many conversations.
Many secrets laid bare.
Many sleepless nights.

I've learned in the presence of those who know and understand the deepest parts of you
healing takes place.
Safety is present.
Peace is steady and you're free to simply be.

I've noticed Jesus loves you best through close friends.

When you shut them out, you're shutting out ways for the Lover to love you.
People can't effectively pray for you if you don't tell them what's going on.
They can't love you in the way Christ has created you to be loved.

You are not safe alone.
You are not loved behind secrets.
You are not known through lies.

You were created to be known and loved.
In trusted unity with our brothers and sisters.

Because you are a glorious reflection of a certain part of the Lord's character.
No one else can see the world the way you do. No one can gain the perspective you have.
No one can love others the way you love. No one else can have a relationship with Jesus like you do.
You are one in the entirety of the world and galaxies of forever and ever into endless eternity.

When you find a friend who sees that in you.
When they understand your precious story and unique pains.
When you realize you have a handful of these friends in your life.

Thank Jesus.
Cry. Let others see your tears.
See the road before you laid in healing and strength.
Trust that He is supporting you.
Leading you.
Loving you.

Through His word
Through time spent together.
Through faithful friends.



..

Share Your Road.

 I have fallen in love with these Words. each and every one.

like deep rich wine shared with your closest love.
they know you and you them as you sit in silence drinking deep the moment.

"oh how i love your soul"

.
I travel in faith with these words draped softly over my lips
&
etched with the richest of blood in my heart.

.

if I could I'd leave tonight with my small suitcase & find you.

we'd lay in the grass or stand on the roof,

close our eyes and I'd tell you stories.
true stories [of course] of real people
who fell in love with these Words too
& how they became intensely alive.

& then the best part would take place.

you'd open your eyes and for the first time you would see colors
as they blazed across the sky and ran over the streets and up to the sky again
with shouts of glorious explosions.

& we'd dance & dance & dance
and laugh from the deepest parts of our bellies until tears formed under our eyes.

and maybe cry, maybe not but i think we will.

we'd scream at the top of our lungs to the heavens and the heavens would respond
with the biggest gust of wind filling our lungs again.

..

and you'd realize that life cannot be the same.
that life somehow has something to do with Truth and knowing it.

and then everything around you becomes so real your baby eyes cannot contain.

the colors burn and the wind becomes so strong.

but you continue to look and continue to scream because you are alive.

::

you are real.

::

& life suddenly becomes worth it.

love these Words, drink the wine, let love fall in you.
this is real life, we must begin.

I wrote that 6 years ago in a letter to a friend.

I had met Jesus.

I was free as a baby calf just released from her stall. 
Fumbling about. Wobbling around on new legs.
Excited to run out into the sun. 
Knowing I born for the pastures beyond the barn.

I was hopeful.

Loved love.

So full. 

I was reminded of my own words tonight. 

The pureness of thought I wrote them in. 

And I find myself here 1,000 miles away from where it all started.

Longing to be that girl again.

Wanting to be a silly baby calf.

I read that letter to myself, as I wrote them to my friend years ago.

I am still that girl.

that precious girl.

These are just rough days, not forever.

These are just moments writing a story for later.

To look back and see glory dripping from every word.

And understanding with grace bursting from every perceived set-back.

 

 

And I continue to meet Jesus.

In the conversations with friends, who have met Him too.

In the presence of someone who understands.

In the forgiveness of others.

In the sadness of hope slipped away.

In the sun on my shoulders.

In the sweetness of the wind flowing through my hair.

In the night time restlessness.

In the constant calling me up and out.

In His words, as He speaks to me.

"But for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings. And you will go out and leap like calves released from the stall." 

-Malachi 4:2

 

 ..

Nothing & Everything.

A loss occurs.
Emotional tearing away.
Physical bruises remain.

something has been taken away
change happens.

Pain is injected into your daily life.

Whether this was an ugly surprise.
Or the suffering had been on the horizon.

You must move forward with pieces scattered.

But you know Truth.
You know healing.
You know Trust in restoration.

But this.

Is.
Different.

It is not a sickness to be healed.
Or freed.


A pain that remains.
The new normal.

Nothing. Will. Ever. Be. The. Same.

You seek prayers.
You seek counsel.
You seek books with answers.
You seek momentary numbness.

You seek.
You find.
Love in the depths.
Grace in the moment.
Empathy in the cries.

Yet.
It remains.


Healing might not come this side of Heaven.
We are not guaranteed full release.
Full freedom.
Full walking away scar-less.


Some times we are never the same.
We can never go back to what we used to know.
Who we used to trust.
The empty words we used to say.

If we have hope secured.
And eyes to Eternity.
Our healing is coming.
Our freedom sure.

But maybe not now.


That does not diminish His Power. 
The all encompassing Presence.
The tears on His face.
The understanding.

You are not alone in this mess.
This pain.
This sharp newness.

Good will come.
Sweet moments of the deep ache lifted.
Sunny mornings.

But it will remain.
And so will He.


That's beauty we find here.
He is constant.
More consistent than the anguish of soul.

A life time of pain is worth an eternity of glory.


Hold fast.
He is near.



..

Among Thorns.

I made a bold decision.

I bought some dirt.
Flower seeds.
And a small yellow flower pot.

I'm growing daisies.

I hate flowers.


But I'm trying.


I've been taking one picture every few days to watch the progress.
I'm amazed at these things.
They are growing.

Slowly.
But surely.

I honestly don't know what I expected.

They're doing what they were created to do.


It's the silliest thing.
I feel completely ridiculous.
But they make me feel like a little kid.



I check on them every morning at the kitchen window sill where they sit.
And genuinely become excited at their simple progress.

What sweet little flowers.
I sound absurd.


But I'm learning.
And that's a good thing.


I appreciate how I'm being taught some of the deepest lessons in the most precious ways.



"Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow. They neither toil nor spin..."



..

Present Suffering.

The phone rings.
The door knocks.
The mouth opens.
The tears flow.
The shock felt.
The anger returns.
The fist hits the table.

The silence comes.

Silence.

Silent.



.

.

.

Then questions.
The concern.
The I don't understand.
The I don't want this to happen.
The checking in and out of reality.
The last words.

The approaching loss.
The widow and her children.


The widow and her children.
The loneliness.

The abrupt change in normalcy.
The new normal.
The daily ache.
The constant reminders.
The painful reality.

The Father who never leaves.
The Love that comforts.
The Jesus who binds the broken hearts.
The Spirit who catches tears.


Death may part us.
Death may damage us.
Death has been defeated.

This loss is for a while.
The longing is for such a time.

Soon.
So
Soon.

We will see.


..

Your Mouth is Poison.

It's overcast outside.
And so it begins.

All my writings starting with the weather.

I could talk about it all day.
Because everyone experiences it.
Everyone can see it and feel it.
It effects them.

My grandparents understand this well.
Every phone conversation begins with the question:
how's the weather where you are?

We're separated by miles and lakes and sky.

But what really separates us isn't anything I stated above.
Decisions. Life experiences. Faith. Politics.
Right and Wrong. Black and White. Greyness.

Degrees of love.
Misunderstood.

We talk of none of that though.

It's easier. Obviously.

But I don't know them.
I know they enjoy beaches and sun and the breeze on the back porch.
And hate the cold. It's painful.

I don't know when their first heartbreak came.
And in what form?
What it was like at 20yrs old watching his first wife die.

Yes. I could ask them.
But I don't.

This crushes me.

Why.

This goes for most people in my life.
This talk of weather.
None of the real weather.
The storms in our hearts and clouds in our minds.

We can sit inside and see the rain pour down.
Hit our windows.  Seeing the lightening rip across the sky.
Feel the thunder deep in our bellies.

Yet we stay inside.
Seeking comfort in this house or shelter or lie.
Because the storms are scary.
They're messy.
They tear things up.
Sometimes do damage.


I want to go outside.
Sit in the storm.

Bring a friend with me.

Because it's after the storm where the beauty is seen.
Where all is calm.
Where the sun boldly comes out from the behind the clouds.

Shining down, saying you survived.
You are known.
You are whole.
Feel my warmth.
Rest in this.


So maybe in talking about the weather, we're really talking about what's going on.
The storm outside reflects my heart. The sunshine today is letting me rest.
The rain feels cleansing.

What's the weather like where you are?

..

On a Hill.

I wiped tears from my blotchy cheeks.
I didn't even realize I was crying until I felt the cold drops slide down onto my chapped lips.

I was driving towards the early sunset.
Heater on low with the windows cracked slightly enough to keep the cold around.
I saw the moon rising in the short distance.

I fell hard into love.
I love this place. this moment. this feeling.


all fading faster then I can comprehend.
I miss You.
I want to be close to You all the time.

time.
the place where it doesn't even exist.
take me there.

beyond these momentary feelings of forever.
to the solid foundation of endless being.

I feel separated by exasperated words never seeming to fill their worth.
tired of the moments weighing me down.
until the blissful seconds of weightlessness of being with You.

in just seconds it will come.
whether seconds add up to months or years or another decade.
it's still just seconds away.

so I keep living. sometimes hardly at all.
but I think I'll choose to live in wait.

waiting for so many things.
waiting until we are together forever.
forever.

endless.

tho scary the thoughts are at times.
I'll still remind myself that You're there.

awaiting a city not yet seen.
people not yet met.
sounds longing to be heard.
colors still being created.

home.


..

Mercy.

Life.
Driving.
Sunsets.
Music.
After work.
Wearing glasses.
Not contacts.
Processing.
Processing.
Processing.

Most days I love to process.
It calms me. Helps me talk to Jesus better.
Most days.

Like today.
This morning I woke up feeling under pressure.
I brushed it off. Started praying.
Then a wave of reality rushed in.
Oh gosh.

I had to remind myself that I have hope.
I trust in the One who is trustworthy.
I feel like I have to remind myself Truth a lot.
As if I forget it or something.

I get to work, faking a smile.
Pretending to be genuine.

Jesus, I'm being ridiculous.

After a few hours I get a text message.
The contents completely answered a prayer I was processing earlier.
I just laughed.

It was a peaceful day.
Not because of that answered prayer.
But I had to conscientiously and continually remind myself to trust.
It set my heart at ease.

whether it was answered or not.
Trusting Him is all.
I know that.
but I forget it all the time.

the heart.
&
the head.


..

I Won't Rot.

Hello, World.
I've missed you.
A lot.

I'm here.
Still alive.
Still writing.
Still waiting.

for many things.

I feel a recent struggle with former things.
former mind sets.
former thoughts.
former reactions to people.

it's frustrating and quite odd.
I do not like who I used to be.

My stomach hurts, I'm really tired and it's only 8:20pm.

I started a new job, again.
I honestly think I need a fresh start about every 6 months.
It's hell-a stressful but good to meet new people, see things differently.
Does not help my consistency. I can hardly keep up with my habits.

I moved as well.
to a new city. It's weird.
I live in a neighborhood.
with sidewalks. and people decorate for the holidays.
never thought I'd be here.
still processing that.

I've been in deep thought recently.
[recently as in the last 20 something years of my life]

How can Jesus love me?
I'm the worst of the worst.
You know, the worst of the worst person.
The worstest person ever.

I do not look forward to giving account for my life.
I feel like I'm going to be saying sorry, a lot.

I'm such a jerk.

I read this quote today and I'm jealous I didn't write:
Maybe the greatest reminder of the depth of my own depravity is found in those times when my imperfect mind betrays my imperfect heart and deeply wounds someone for which I would gladly die.

ugh.
Seriously.
I hate that what I want to do I do not do.
But what I don't want to do I do.

I want to write more.
I want to talk with Jesus more.
I want to love more.
Love wisely.
Love better.
Love with abandon.

Lord, help me.

I'll be back soon.
I've missed this.
Hope you stick around.
If you're even reading.


It's a good night to be alive.
Jesus is here.
You are reading.
He is wanting.
Don't be a jerk like me.


..

Feeling Truth.

The struggle is always there.
The civil war.
The head and heart.

Raging against the other.

I feel a deep pain in my heart all the time.
I fight it, I hate it, I question loudly its presence all. the. time.

I know Jesus has/is/will heal me.
But this is a pain of such aching that has never met it's victor.

Loneliness.

And I feel like a walking complex.
Being surrounded by ones who love you well.
And in relationship with the One who soothes all aches.
yet its still there.

And I don't talk about it.
I've never talked about it.
In depth.

It is a wound which quickly brings tears.
And some days [like today] it becomes overwhelming.

We celebrated my birthday. Surrounded by sweet voices.
Hugging the necks of ones you barely get to see.
gifts, and love and words were all given.

It was over too quickly.

And yet I drove home alone.
alone.
alone in my car.

I arrived home holding back sobs.
my heart hurts.
tears consumed me shortly.

I sat there telling myself the Truth.
You are not alone. Never forsaken. Never left alone.
But my heart screamed in defiance.
My heart screams at my present surroundings.

and I truly hate this because I feel as if there are few who sincerely understand
the depths to which this goes.
It is not a depression.
I enjoy life. I enjoy people. I love Jesus. I know I have purpose.

This ugly loneliness is a deep ache.

Today, I have to deal with this. The ache rising to the top of my heart.
Hard to describe yet I'm flooded with words.

And tomorrow it might not be this bad.
But the pain will still linger.

Tho, I am thankful.
Always thankful.
It is a pain that draws me near.
I am alive and get to love and be loved.

Life is good and He is faithful.
Faithful to complete the work He started in this heart of mine.


..

Know.

Expected.
Expect.
to look forward.
to anticipate.

It hit me on the plane.
Lately I've put a lot of expectation on many situations. I thought I'd finally find joy or feel love or be able to relax in those certain situations to the point where I sought those circumstances to bring those things to me.

Not the One who all those things flow from.


[so immature, can we grow up now please?]


I've found myself in a life I didn't expect.
Moments where the very things I expected least happened.
And feelings arising that I did not expect.

But here I am.

Here you are.

And this is life happening every day.
Breaking my heart deeper.
And finding healing in the least expected ways.


I must have hope in the One who makes all things right.
Who knows and does not expect.
Put trust in the protected and known future of my life.
Even tho it may be looking dim and He may seem far off
I will not put trust in my current situations.

I will expect love and hope and a beautiful future.
Because those have been promised.
And I expect know that promise will be kept.



Expectations and hopes may be dashed and ripped apart and thrown aside
but I will remain calm. I will continue to trust.


..

Is Good.

It's 2:30 in the morning.
Canvases strung out on the table and floor.
Paint up and down my arms, under my finger nails and on my face.
Popping chocolate into my mouth.
Feeling inspired.
All the lights on.
And the commentary of a good movie playing in the back.

It's the perfect scene of a late Sunday night in my life.

I cherish these moments so much because they come so very far and few between.
This past year has been the fastest of my life. I can clearly remember where I was a year ago
like it was yesterday. I slightly feel like I'm coming out of a fog.

Maybe it's the summer air making me feel lighter or it's answered prayers of begging to be rescued out of this mess.

I got a new job, which has been a blessing.
And I get to go home soon. Which gives me a lot of peace.

I hope this summer brings a lot of changes.
Good changes. Refreshing changes.
Life giving Changes.

I hope.
I hope.
I hope.

..

I've never known.

The background music plays as the movie clips begin to roll.
I see us in a room with two chairs. One for You and one for me.
Facing each other.

I fight to keep the door shut from the outside. You sit and wait.

We're facing each other. Bent forward elbows on knees.
Eye to eye.

I honestly thought I never left the room.
But You've been alone in it for months.
I used to beg to be in this room, live here.
Never leave.

But I left.
I walked out.
And then became mad at Your response.
You didn't leave. You stayed alone in the room.

I wanted You to follow me out.

Sitting in front of You I realize.
Everything.

Remembering I tried to find You in everything, everywhere except the room.
All the while You sit. And wait.


I lean forward to get closer to Your eyes.
I know they see right thru me.
Every bit. Nothing hidden. And I am not afraid anymore.

I beg You to tell me all the things I already know but had forgotten.
To remind me.
As if I had forgotten that You were in the room.


To be alone with You.
To be alone.
With You.


Remind me of love.
Remind me of the hope I had in love.
The glorious, delirious trust and madness I had for love.

I want to go back.
You taught me so well.
Because I was in front of You.
Always You. Always listening.

Craved for Your voice.


To be alone with You.
To be alone with You and me.


I'm sitting down now.
And there You are.

always there.




..

Like Me.

I would never guess that where I currently work would put me in the position to meet so many women who use their bodies for business.

It's a unique situation that I've found myself in.

Everyday I meet at least one. Most of the time I get to speak with them and try to make eye contact but the walls are up. It's rough.
Most days I find myself stifling tears in the bathroom.
Oh this heart of mine, it smashes to pieces so easily it's almost frustrating.

Sometimes I can smell horrible things on them. Rail thin and often on a substance.
[I understand this is not how all of them are, I am not assuming anything. I understand that some are just trying to make a living and some are living with deep pain and apathy.]

Most of the time I want to ask them to dinner.
Get to know them, become friends.
Or hug them.

But yesterday was different.
She walked in and stood at the opening.
We made eye contact and she walked over.
"I don't know who to talk to."

I smiled and asked her what was wrong.
She didn't want the guy she was dating to know what she did for a living.
There was a long silence and she sighed.
"I don't want him to think I'm easy or trashy, I need to make a living."

I told her I understood. I encouraged her to be real.
If he doesn't treat her the way she deserves to be treated then he is not worth it.

She was made to be loved deeply and taken care of.

She said she was ashamed of what she did.
But quickly moved on in the conversation.

She just repeated herself and I softly smiled.
Other people walked in and she quickly ended the exchange and left.
"Thanks, girl."

She hasn't left my mind since.


..

Future Writer, Current Slacker.

I write everyday.
Every. Day.

I just never speak those words to the world.

I feel a slight hope in my heart tonight.
Which is amazing.
Lately I haven't published anything to the world or announced my heart woes to others
because they are not pretty.

And I feel the conviction of being real. honest. true.
And at the same time I feel the burden of being a light.

I'm seeing things I've hoped for slowing coming together.
s....l....o....w.....l.....y

But if I was born to learn anything it was to wait.
And wait I am growing confident in doing.

Because I feel I've been waiting my entire life.

So let's be honest:
I've doubted and slipped away.
I've been mad and questioned everything.
I've cried myself to sleep a lot.
I'd given up hope of anything changing.
I lost focus and was extremely sad.
And I forgot what was done for me.


I was reminded that I serve Love.
I serve patience and faithful to promises said long ago.


And there is hope once again.
hope in this heart of mine.
And it is so sweet.


..

Can Not Stay.

No Winter you cannot stay.
Here in my heart, my dark icy heart.

Be gone with you ugly friend. It's been winter for days upon days.
I am dying for a ray of Sonshine.
But you have blocked any sunlight.
I'm tired and aching.

Oh winter you can not stay.

Bathe my heart in light.
Such warmth I crave. The rush of summer wind so sweet.
I have been denied day after day.
Give me hope this will pass.

I miss laughter in the blistering hot summer days.
When life gave me life.
Just being alive brought joy.

Oh ache of an ache.

So I'll tell you again, winter you cannot stay.
The seasons were born to change.
And I was born to live.

You must go.

Into spring I run.
Into spring I beg to go.
Show me the way.
For long have the roads been blocked and tired have I been to move them.

Oh spring I feel your nearness.
Please shine soon.
Shine in my heart soon.


..

Your Life.

I am alive.
I'm sitting here in a little coffee shop in the back corner,
earphones in, music playing, drink, suitcase sized purse and cell phone next to me.

I'm a one man band.
Everything I want beside or in front of me.
None of this matters tho.
Because I am completely and utterly at a loss.

I hate having all of these things honestly.
Everything I need right here.
Let me work for something, suffer for a moment because I am in lack.
But no, I was born in America.
A lil white girl born in the west, now living a thousand miles away from home.

Someone tell me this is all going to end soon.
Life can't just be 80 years.
I have to have more then this.
With all this stuff and things I am suffering for more.

Don't tell me I'm crazy.
Don't tell me I need to get a grip.
You don't know me.
You don't know my struggles.
Which in reality should be yours as well.
Except you are just too blind to see you're headed to the slaughter
along with the rest of them.
Don't give me sympathy.
I'm more sorry for you.

OPEN YOUR EYES.
God didn't place you here to go thru the motions.
To try and build your own empire.
To sit and drink and watch the tube while they get more clever
with new deceptions to drag you in deeper and deeper until you wake up in hell
wondering where 'next Sunday' went.

Time is so short.
You are fading away.
What are you doing?
What are you saying?
Is anyone even listening?
People are watching.
He's waiting.

still waiting....


..

Thrill of Hope.

You've captured my heart tonight.
Of all nights, You chose to come.
Put on flesh, move into my neighborhood.

And You cried that first breath.
Changing the atmosphere of our lives.
You don't make sense.
You cause me to question.
And Your mystery makes me run until I cannot out run You anymore.

This scary unbelievable night.
What has taken place?
Many men have spoken this night into play.
But did we really know it would happen like this?

With a precious baby and a young mother.
You broke the mold and out You came.
Born to die.
What King is this?

That You would be born in a barn with noisy animals.
You're first bed a dirty food bowl.
You left jewels and diamonds and colors beyond sight.
You left Your Dad.
And entered my world.

You were thinking of me.
Thinking of my birth.
My life, my broken heart.
And it caused You to leave it all for me.

I think of Your birthday often.
Not just in this season.
And I am constantly mesmerized.
Because Your story is so elegant and mysterious.
I am always drawn in.


And here I am, waiting for Your return again.
So this weekend we'll celebrate Your birthday.
And wait patiently, longing for Your face again.

And what a Day that will be.




till He appeared and the soul felt it's worth.
a thrill of hope the weary world rejoices!


..

In Life.

Hearing a familiar voice on the other end of the telephone.
Waking up to rain beating hard on the window.
Sweetly being comforted on a friends bed after voicing a moment in your life that brings pain.
Hearing that you have been missed.
Having the gym to yourself.
Getting Chick-fil-a in your jammies in the pouring rain.
Waking up and being freezing cold because you left the windows open.
Knowing Christmas is soon.
Making pancakes and eggs for dinner with your roommate as you listen to Mumford & Sons.
Listening to a good song on repeat.
Gently being reminded that you cannot do this on your own.
Two hour conversations after midnight.
Learning to trust Jesus again.
Remembering that He loves you.
Remembering that He loves you.
Remembering that He loves you.


Little things have been surrounding me lately.
Like being up at 4am.
Not that I've woken up this early, I simply haven't gone to bed yet.
I may be tired tomorrow but it just shows that I lived the day before.

Sleepy eyes.
Candles that smell like fall.
Waking up.
Posting a blog at 4am.


..

Between Us.

I went home recently.
It was a rush of moments.
Seeing faces that I see in my dreams.
And hearing voices that I could recognize even if they stood on the opposite shore.

There's something about being there.
When all's familiar and the greatest joy is just being in the same room with ones that you would lay your life down for in an instant.

My heart was always set for the world.
To see it, to be in it all.
To be everywhere at the same time.

but now.
the short moments I have with them.
mean the world to me.

there's always an ache in my heart when I want to see them right now
but know I cannot.
I must hold on to hope that someday we'll spend forever together.
And that gets me by.

back when I was too young to see my surroundings.
I was too busy dreaming about the other side of the sea.

only now do I see the beauty that was here all along.

..

Hold On.

Love.
It wrecks my heart almost everyday.
I am challenged to the death of myself quite often.


Thankful I am for that fact that this very thing changed my life
4 beautiful years ago.
It's empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
and all the faults you've left behind



So when a friend comes to me with deep things, troubling things.
My heart is immediately rent.
The harvest left you no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat
But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck



Because I have committed my life to them.
To Jesus.
To loving them always as He would and does, no matter what.
To bring the Kingdom closer to them in my responses and actions towards them.
And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again


And most days I seriously screw it up.
But I am seriously trying.
Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take my mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind



But I can't not do anything when I see this broken world
with my broken friends and I constantly hear their cries.
I would go mad at the thought of turning the other way or closing the door to them.


Love calls me everyday.
Most of the time I don't want to answer.
Because it's difficult.
it's messy.
it hurts.
So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite me faults
And despite my growing fears



but I would choose this life over my old one any day.
believe me.
So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker's hand




You, they, Jesus is so precious to me.
And I want to be with you everyday.
And I want to be like Him so much it's ridiculous.



I am here.
And I will take these pains when they come.
And I do/will have joy.
So make your siren's call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say



My heart may be broken but it's beautifully carried thru it all.
Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how

To live my life as it's meant to be.






*Mumford and Sons-The Cave.


..

Abba.

I walked out of work with a full mind.
Thinking thru many conversations, the meeting I just had screaming loudly in my ears, prayers being raised up, asking myself questions.

I don't understand.


I got into my friend's car that I was driving at the time.
My car has decided to break down.
Sometimes life is so funny.
in the middle of moving, trying to find a new job, tight money issues...
my car decides to burn out.

In the middle of all this noise in my mind
I was trying to think of what I could cut back to save money.
What things that even tho were necessary I didn't need within the month.


the phone rings.
It's my mom.
Hey, Mom...

I tell her my life. What happened at work.
She listens.



Few minutes later.
My dad calls.
Hey, Sweetheart...
How are you doing?
I heard what was going on.

He gave me advice, telling me he wishes he was here.
It makes me feel safe. Things will be ok.
he asked me about my car.
He tells me not to worry, he will take care of it.


Which he does. I take my car in.
He talks with the man at the dealership on the phone.
They figure things out.
It was my brakes not a belt, which I had guessed it was the belt.
I'm such a girl.


Recently I've been having a hard time understanding God's love.
Which is odd. I thought I slightly understood.

But seeing my dad this week [even tho he lives a thousand miles away]
doing his best to take care of me, making sure I know it will be ok.
Has given me greater hope in the Love of the Heavenly Father.


When I hear my dad tell me not to worry, I don't question that.
Things will be ok.
How much more should I trust in the Heavenly Father who jealously longs for me?


If your child asks for bread, do you trick him with sawdust?
If he asks for fish, do you scare him with a live snake on his plate?
As bad as you are, you wouldn't think of such a thing.
You're at least decent to your own children.
So don't you think the God who conceived you in love will be even better?
-Matthew 7:9-11 The Message



yes.


..

Over Now.

Running on less then 6 hours of sleep for 3 days I packed up my entire life and moved.
I'm currently in the middle of a internet cafe because I don't have it yet at my new place.

It was going on 3:30am and we were laying on the floor in the middle of boxes and blankets while the fan hummed quietly overhead.
I was beyond exhausted, still in clothes from the day before and starving.
Three of the girls I lead with Young Life wanted to be the first ones to stay the night in the new place so there we were.
They were laughing and telling stories.
They are so young and innocent about the world.
I lay there with my mind running trying to figure things out, wearing myself out even more.

Before we went to sleep I suggested we pray.
In the darkness of my room we talked to God.

I laid there as I heard their voices and was so thankful.
We all went around and it came to the last girl.

She was laughing still and said:
Thank you God so much for my new house!


Tears filled my eyes.
She doesn't live here.
But she knows this is her home too.

This past year has been really rough.
There has been so much to overcome.
So many things to wade thru.
Thoughts I never wanted to think.
Plans I never wanted to do.
I wondered many days when this season would be over.
This season of doubt, fear, loneliness, questioning, struggle, numbness.

And today I am alive and wading thru joy and peace and contentment and community.
And to hear my girl praying that prayer made this past year worth it.
My hearts desire to have a house open for ministry, purposed for loving.
She saw that, thank you Jesus.

Thank you God for never abandoning me.
for pulling me thru.
for patience beyond compare.
and loving me when I was unlovable.
You are worth it.
Even in seasons of grossness, You still choose me.
That I don't understand.



..

Hello, Life.

so full.

I wrote on my fridge tonight:
so this is what 20 plus some odd years looks like...
and I felt so full.

life is so beautiful and heavy.
so alive.

I had one of the best birthday's of my life.
Everyday leading up to it I was given a gift.
Meaningful ones.
And papers with written words that deeply touched my heart.


My cousin called me late into the night on my birthday.
He is very dear to my heart.
He told me what was going on in his life.
How Jesus is pursuing him. Pulling him up to a better life.
A better way. A richer view.
Telling him that I hear you when you pray.

I think that was the best gift I could of received.
To hear the news of one of my loved ones [anyone for that matter] drawing closer to Jesus.



It has been a full week.
And I feel very awake.

I laid on my bedroom floor, looking up to the ceiling.
I know you hear me.
You see my heart.
I miss You.


When you've been feeling empty for so long the feeling of fullness brings contentment.
When you've been so stressed for so long the presence of quiet brings peace.
When you've been feeling so lost for so long the hope of rescue brings security.


I feel Jesus.
thank you God.


..

They'll Call Me Freedom.

Life is rough.

I have so much to say but
don't want to say any of it.

My birthday is this Sunday.
There are so many thoughts when a year of life comes to a close.
I have written words upon words upon words.
And lived hours upon hours upon hours.
And hurt and prayed and listened and cried and fought and sat in silence.

This past year has been so full and heartbreaking and life shattering.

I often think about my life and what the heck is honestly going on in it.

I've never lived a normal, white picket fence life.
I've lived too much in some eyes and not enough in my own.
I don't like pink and flowers make me gag.
Don't call me sweetie.

Give me the streets, the broken and bruised.
The homeless and searching.
The dirty the wounded the beaten down.
The doubters, the liars, the whores.
Because I am them and they are us.

It's been a hard summer.
One I didn't expect.
And I've doubted.
And temptations have screamed louder then ever.
But today and tomorrow and hopefully the next day I will choose freedom.
I will choose the less traveled road again and again and again.
Because I have well considered my life, these years I've been graciously given to live
and the dreams and hopes and thoughts I had.
The adventures I planned and the babies I had named.

And not one of those things has come to be yet.
At least not in the way I thought they'd come to be.

I am so thankful.
And grateful.
And today I am hopeful.
Because I am alive.

And Jesus is not done.
He will finish what was started.
And this is only the beginning.
And I must trust in those words.
I must cling to that Truth.


I look forward to this next year.
Because Jesus is already there.
Calling me to freedom.
to life.
to love deeper then I've known.
to rescue.
to adventures.
to better friendships.
to hope.

Life will be good.
Life is good.
He is faithful.
And calling me.

how sweet the sound.


..