everything was beautiful & nothing hurt

On a Hill.

2012-01-08T19:04:00.001-05:00

I wiped tears from my blotchy cheeks.
I didn't even realize I was crying until I felt the cold drops slide down onto my chapped lips.

I was driving towards the early sunset.
Heater on low with the windows cracked slightly enough to keep the cold around.
I saw the moon rising in the short distance.

I fell hard into love.
I love this place. this moment. this feeling.

all fading faster then I can comprehend.
I miss You.
I want to be close to You all the time.

time.
the place where it doesn't even exist.
take me there.

beyond these momentary feelings of forever.
to the solid foundation of endless being.

I feel separated by exasperated words never seeming to fill their worth.
tired of the moments weighing me down.
until the blissful seconds of weightlessness of being with You.

in just seconds it will come.
whether seconds add up to months or years or another decade.
it's still just seconds away.

so I keep living. sometimes hardly at all.
but I think I'll choose to live in wait.

waiting for so many things.
waiting until we are together forever.
forever.

endless.

tho scary the thoughts are at times.
I'll still remind myself that You're there.

awaiting a city not yet seen.
people not yet met.
sounds longing to be heard.
colors still being created.

home.

..

Surprise.

2011-11-26T00:58:00.000-05:00

Farther along we’ll know all about it
Farther along we’ll understand why
Cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine
We’ll understand this, all by and by

Tempted and tried, I wondered why
The good man died, the bad man thrives
And Jesus cries because He loves em’ both
We’re all cast-aways in need of ropes
Hangin’ on by the last threads of our hope
In a house of mirrors full of smoke confusing illusions I’ve seen

Sometimes you forget how you got to be where you are.
Sometimes I forget the simple Truths of my life.
Jesus loves you.
You are redeemed.
You have hope.
You are drowning in grace.
Instead of glancing at the pond full of it.
Where did I go wrong, I sang along
To every chorus of the song
That the devil wrote like a piper at the gates
Leading mice and men down to their fates
But some will courageously escape
The seductive voice with a heart of faith
While walkin' that line back home.

Embracing the ones whose same blood runs thru your veins.
Wiping tears off each others cheeks.
My lips chapped with being stretched from side to side with smiles.
I haven't laughed this hard in such a long time.
Or just sat in silence feeling full of life.
Coming alive.
Pictures wouldn't do this justice.
So much more to life than we’ve been told
It’s full of beauty that will unfold
And shine like you struck gold my wayward son
That dead weight burden weighs a ton
Go down into the river and let it run
And wash away all the things you’ve done
Forgiveness alright

I know why Christ calls us brothers and sisters.
Family. Community. I belong.
Being around ones who know you and bringing up funny childhood memories.
Always having someone there to live life with.
Midnight adventures. Screaming at the top of our lungs.
Still I get hard pressed on every side
Between the rock and a compromise
Like the truth and pack of lies fightin’ for my soul
And I’ve got no place left go cause I got changed by what I’ve been shown
More glory than the world has known
Keeps me ramblin’ on

I feel at peace. True peace. Life is wretched. But this is beautiful.
Jesus' name be praised.
He gives such good gifts.
And I am receiving.
Skipping like a calf loosed from its stall
I’m free to love once and for all
And even when I fall I’ll get back up
For the joy that overflows my cup
Heaven filled me with more than enough
Broke down my levee and my bluff
Let the flood wash me

I walked to the car full of ones I call brothers and this song was playing.
Singing out, finding our way in the darkness. We are a mess.
I thought of my roommates, my friends, my life as it is now.
In this moment.
Precious.
Wanted.
Missed.
Loved.
At rest.

I want to be here. Forever.
I feel young and alive and free.

We arrived to the place. The sign read above,
Be Here Now.

And one day when the sky rolls back on us.
Some rejoice and the others fuss
Cause every knee must bow and tongue confess
The Son of God is forever blessed
His is the Kingdom and we're the guests
So put your voice up to the test.
Sing, Lord come soon.

ahhhh.
May the seconds creep by and the days slowly go to the sleep.
May this moment last forever. and ever and ever.

I miss this place, these people, these old buildings.
The familiar, the known, the unchanged.
Oh Jesus.

Be at rest little heart.
Be here now.
Here.
Not thoughts.
Not memories.
Not feelings.
here.
now.
fully present.
awake.
loving.
seeing.
hearing.

it's good.
and you were created to share in this glimpse of Home.

Farther along we'll know all about it.
Farther along we'll understand why.
Cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine.
We'll understand this, by and by.

..

Mercy.

2011-10-19T19:08:00.000-04:00

Life.
Driving.
Sunsets.
Music.
After work.
Wearing glasses.
Not contacts.
Processing.
Processing.
Processing.

Most days I love to process.
It calms me. Helps me talk to Jesus better.
Most days.

Like today.
This morning I woke up feeling under pressure.
I brushed it off. Started praying.
Then a wave of reality rushed in.
Oh gosh.

I had to remind myself that I have hope.
I trust in the One who is trustworthy.
I feel like I have to remind myself Truth a lot.
As if I forget it or something.

I get to work, faking a smile.
Pretending to be genuine.

Jesus, I'm being ridiculous.

After a few hours I get a text message.
The contents completely answered a prayer I was processing earlier.
I just laughed.

It was a peaceful day.
Not because of that answered prayer.
But I had to conscientiously and continually remind myself to trust.
It set my heart at ease.

whether it was answered or not.
Trusting Him is all.
I know that.
but I forget it all the time.

the heart.
&
the head.

..

I Won't Rot.

2011-10-14T21:15:00.000-04:00

Hello, World.
I've missed you.
A lot.

I'm here.
Still alive.
Still writing.
Still waiting.

for many things.

I feel a recent struggle with former things.
former mind sets.
former thoughts.
former reactions to people.

it's frustrating and quite odd.
I do not like who I used to be.

My stomach hurts, I'm really tired and it's only 8:20pm.

I started a new job, again.
I honestly think I need a fresh start about every 6 months.
It's hell-a stressful but good to meet new people, see things differently.
Does not help my consistency. I can hardly keep up with my habits.

I moved as well.
to a new city. It's weird.
I live in a neighborhood.
with sidewalks. and people decorate for the holidays.
never thought I'd be here.
still processing that.

I've been in deep thought recently.
[recently as in the last 20 something years of my life]

How can Jesus love me?
I'm the worst of the worst.
You know, the worst of the worst person.
The worstest person ever.

I do not look forward to giving account for my life.
I feel like I'm going to be saying sorry, a lot.

I'm such a jerk.

I read this quote today and I'm jealous I didn't write:
Maybe the greatest reminder of the depth of my own depravity is found in those times when my imperfect mind betrays my imperfect heart and deeply wounds someone for which I would gladly die.

ugh.
Seriously.
I hate that what I want to do I do not do.
But what I don't want to do I do.

I want to write more.
I want to talk with Jesus more.
I want to love more.
Love wisely.
Love better.
Love with abandon.

Lord, help me.

I'll be back soon.
I've missed this.
Hope you stick around.
If you're even reading.

It's a good night to be alive.
Jesus is here.
You are reading.
He is wanting.
Don't be a jerk like me.

..

Feeling Truth.

2011-07-15T00:57:00.000-04:00

The struggle is always there.
The civil war.
The head and heart.

Raging against the other.

I feel a deep pain in my heart all the time.
I fight it, I hate it, I question loudly its presence all. the. time.

I know Jesus has/is/will heal me.
But this is a pain of such aching that has never met it's victor.

Loneliness.

And I feel like a walking complex.
Being surrounded by ones who love you well.
And in relationship with the One who soothes all aches.
yet its still there.

And I don't talk about it.
I've never talked about it.
In depth.

It is a wound which quickly brings tears.
And some days [like today] it becomes overwhelming.

We celebrated my birthday. Surrounded by sweet voices.
Hugging the necks of ones you barely get to see.
gifts, and love and words were all given.

It was over too quickly.

And yet I drove home alone.
alone.
alone in my car.

I arrived home holding back sobs.
my heart hurts.
tears consumed me shortly.

I sat there telling myself the Truth.
You are not alone. Never forsaken. Never left alone.
But my heart screamed in defiance.
My heart screams at my present surroundings.

and I truly hate this because I feel as if there are few who sincerely understand
the depths to which this goes.
It is not a depression.
I enjoy life. I enjoy people. I love Jesus. I know I have purpose.

This ugly loneliness is a deep ache.

Today, I have to deal with this. The ache rising to the top of my heart.
Hard to describe yet I'm flooded with words.

And tomorrow it might not be this bad.
But the pain will still linger.

Tho, I am thankful.
Always thankful.
It is a pain that draws me near.
I am alive and get to love and be loved.

Life is good and He is faithful.
Faithful to complete the work He started in this heart of mine.

..

Know.

2011-06-06T00:44:00.001-04:00

Expected.
Expect.
to look forward.
to anticipate.

It hit me on the plane.
Lately I've put a lot of expectation on many situations. I thought I'd finally find joy or feel love or be able to relax in those certain situations to the point where I sought those circumstances to bring those things to me.

Not the One who all those things flow from.

[so immature, can we grow up now please?]

I've found myself in a life I didn't expect.
Moments where the very things I expected least happened.
And feelings arising that I did not expect.

But here I am.

Here you are.

And this is life happening every day.
Breaking my heart deeper.
And finding healing in the least expected ways.

I must have hope in the One who makes all things right.
Who knows and does not expect.
Put trust in the protected and known future of my life.
Even tho it may be looking dim and He may seem far off
I will not put trust in my current situations.

I will expect love and hope and a beautiful future.
Because those have been promised.
And I ~~expect~~ know that promise will be kept.

Expectations and hopes may be dashed and ripped apart and thrown aside
but I will remain calm. I will continue to trust.

..

Is Good.

2011-05-24T01:32:00.000-04:00

It's 2:30 in the morning.
Canvases strung out on the table and floor.
Paint up and down my arms, under my finger nails and on my face.
Popping chocolate into my mouth.
Feeling inspired.
All the lights on.
And the commentary of a good movie playing in the back.

It's the perfect scene of a late Sunday night in my life.

I cherish these moments so much because they come so very far and few between.
This past year has been the fastest of my life. I can clearly remember where I was a year ago
like it was yesterday. I slightly feel like I'm coming out of a fog.

Maybe it's the summer air making me feel lighter or it's answered prayers of begging to be rescued out of this mess.

I got a new job, which has been a blessing.
And I get to go home soon. Which gives me a lot of peace.

I hope this summer brings a lot of changes.
Good changes. Refreshing changes.
Life giving Changes.

I hope.
I hope.
I hope.

..

I've never known.

2011-04-15T00:44:00.001-04:00

The background music plays as the movie clips begin to roll.
I see us in a room with two chairs. One for You and one for me.
Facing each other.

I fight to keep the door shut from the outside. You sit and wait.

We're facing each other. Bent forward elbows on knees.
Eye to eye.

I honestly thought I never left the room.
But You've been alone in it for months.
I used to beg to be in this room, live here.
Never leave.

But I left.
I walked out.
And then became mad at Your response.
You didn't leave. You stayed alone in the room.

I wanted You to follow me out.

Sitting in front of You I realize.
Everything.

Remembering I tried to find You in everything, everywhere except the room.
All the while You sit. And wait.

I lean forward to get closer to Your eyes.
I know they see right thru me.
Every bit. Nothing hidden. And I am not afraid anymore.

I beg You to tell me all the things I already know but had forgotten.
To remind me.
As if I had forgotten that You were in the room.

To be alone with You.
To be alone.
With You.

Remind me of love.
Remind me of the hope I had in love.
The glorious, delirious trust and madness I had for love.

I want to go back.
You taught me so well.
Because I was in front of You.
Always You. Always listening.

Craved for Your voice.

To be alone with You.
To be alone with You and me.

I'm sitting down now.
And there You are.

always there.

..

Like Me.

2011-04-07T00:51:00.001-04:00

I would never guess that where I currently work would put me in the position to meet so many women who use their bodies for business.

It's a unique situation that I've found myself in.

Everyday I meet at least one. Most of the time I get to speak with them and try to make eye contact but the walls are up. It's rough.
Most days I find myself stifling tears in the bathroom.
Oh this heart of mine, it smashes to pieces so easily it's almost frustrating.

Sometimes I can smell horrible things on them. Rail thin and often on a substance.
[I understand this is not how all of them are, I am not assuming anything. I understand that some are just trying to make a living and some are living with deep pain and apathy.]

Most of the time I want to ask them to dinner.
Get to know them, become friends.
Or hug them.

But yesterday was different.
She walked in and stood at the opening.
We made eye contact and she walked over.
"I don't know who to talk to."

I smiled and asked her what was wrong.
She didn't want the guy she was dating to know what she did for a living.
There was a long silence and she sighed.
"I don't want him to think I'm easy or trashy, I need to make a living."

I told her I understood. I encouraged her to be real.
If he doesn't treat her the way she deserves to be treated then he is not worth it.

She was made to be loved deeply and taken care of.

She said she was ashamed of what she did.
But quickly moved on in the conversation.

She just repeated herself and I softly smiled.
Other people walked in and she quickly ended the exchange and left.
"Thanks, girl."

She hasn't left my mind since.

..

Future Writer, Current Slacker.

2011-04-01T01:18:00.000-04:00

I write everyday.
Every. Day.

I just never speak those words to the world.

I feel a slight hope in my heart tonight.
Which is amazing.
Lately I haven't published anything to the world or announced my heart woes to others
because they are not pretty.

And I feel the conviction of being real. honest. true.
And at the same time I feel the burden of being a light.

I'm seeing things I've hoped for slowing coming together.
s....l....o....w.....l.....y

But if I was born to learn anything it was to wait.
And wait I am growing confident in doing.

Because I feel I've been waiting my entire life.

So let's be honest:
I've doubted and slipped away.
I've been mad and questioned everything.
I've cried myself to sleep a lot.
I'd given up hope of anything changing.
I lost focus and was extremely sad.
And I forgot what was done for me.

I was reminded that I serve Love.
I serve patience and faithful to promises said long ago.

And there is hope once again.
hope in this heart of mine.
And it is so sweet.

..

Can Not Stay.

2011-02-07T22:58:00.000-05:00

No Winter you cannot stay.
Here in my heart, my dark icy heart.

Be gone with you ugly friend. It's been winter for days upon days.
I am dying for a ray of Sonshine.
But you have blocked any sunlight.
I'm tired and aching.

Oh winter you can not stay.

Bathe my heart in light.
Such warmth I crave. The rush of summer wind so sweet.
I have been denied day after day.
Give me hope this will pass.

I miss laughter in the blistering hot summer days.
When life gave me life.
Just being alive brought joy.

Oh ache of an ache.

So I'll tell you again, winter you cannot stay.
The seasons were born to change.
And I was born to live.

You must go.

Into spring I run.
Into spring I beg to go.
Show me the way.
For long have the roads been blocked and tired have I been to move them.

Oh spring I feel your nearness.
Please shine soon.
Shine in my heart soon.

..

Your Life.

2011-01-26T15:37:00.001-05:00

I am alive.
I'm sitting here in a little coffee shop in the back corner,
earphones in, music playing, drink, suitcase sized purse and cell phone next to me.

I'm a one man band.
Everything I want beside or in front of me.
None of this matters tho.
Because I am completely and utterly at a loss.

I hate having all of these things honestly.
Everything I need right here.
Let me work for something, suffer for a moment because I am in lack.
But no, I was born in America.
A lil white girl born in the west, now living a thousand miles away from home.

Someone tell me this is all going to end soon.
Life can't just be 80 years.
I have to have more then this.
With all this stuff and things I am suffering for more.

Don't tell me I'm crazy.
Don't tell me I need to get a grip.
You don't know me.
You don't know my struggles.
Which in reality should be yours as well.
Except you are just too blind to see you're headed to the slaughter
along with the rest of them.
Don't give me sympathy.
I'm more sorry for you.

OPEN YOUR EYES.
God didn't place you here to go thru the motions.
To try and build your own empire.
To sit and drink and watch the tube while they get more clever
with new deceptions to drag you in deeper and deeper until you wake up in hell
wondering where 'next Sunday' went.

Time is so short.
You are fading away.
What are you doing?
What are you saying?
Is anyone even listening?
People are watching.
He's waiting.

still waiting....

..

Baby Heart.

2011-01-11T00:28:00.001-05:00

Oh little heart of mine.
You are so childish and wild.

I will admit that I do not want to grow up.
Yes I am an adult but there are moments where I loathe the adjustments I've
have to make because I am now in adult skin.

I appreciate where I am in life.
I have freedoms to live in my own house and buy my own food
and ultimately give myself the life I want.

I do not miss my childhood, tho.
I have never missed it.

I do not miss having a schedule everyday with school
and only being able to be friends with the kids in your class because that's who you knew.
But I see the good in everything.

I just want freedom. Ultimate freedom.
No plans, no restrictions, no ideas forced upon me.

Just running, being silly, intensely childlike attitude.

Can that season exist?

I want life.
I want love.
I want freedom in all things.
I want to always be childlike, no matter what.

..

Thrill of Hope.

2010-12-24T02:38:00.000-05:00

You've captured my heart tonight.
Of all nights, You chose to come.
Put on flesh, move into my neighborhood.

And You cried that first breath.
Changing the atmosphere of our lives.
You don't make sense.
You cause me to question.
And Your mystery makes me run until I cannot out run You anymore.

This scary unbelievable night.
What has taken place?
Many men have spoken this night into play.
But did we really know it would happen like this?

With a precious baby and a young mother.
You broke the mold and out You came.
Born to die.
What King is this?

That You would be born in a barn with noisy animals.
You're first bed a dirty food bowl.
You left jewels and diamonds and colors beyond sight.
You left Your Dad.
And entered my world.

You were thinking of me.
Thinking of my birth.
My life, my broken heart.
And it caused You to leave it all for me.

I think of Your birthday often.
Not just in this season.
And I am constantly mesmerized.
Because Your story is so elegant and mysterious.
I am always drawn in.

And here I am, waiting for Your return again.
So this weekend we'll celebrate Your birthday.
And wait patiently, longing for Your face again.

And what a Day that will be.

till He appeared and the soul felt it's worth.
a thrill of hope the weary world rejoices!

..

In Life.

2010-11-04T04:01:00.001-04:00

Hearing a familiar voice on the other end of the telephone.
Waking up to rain beating hard on the window.
Sweetly being comforted on a friends bed after voicing a moment in your life that brings pain.
Hearing that you have been missed.
Having the gym to yourself.
Getting Chick-fil-a in your jammies in the pouring rain.
Waking up and being freezing cold because you left the windows open.
Knowing Christmas is soon.
Making pancakes and eggs for dinner with your roommate as you listen to Mumford & Sons.
Listening to a good song on repeat.
Gently being reminded that you cannot do this on your own.
Two hour conversations after midnight.
Learning to trust Jesus again.
Remembering that He loves you.
Remembering that He loves you.
Remembering that He loves you.

Little things have been surrounding me lately.
Like being up at 4am.
Not that I've woken up this early, I simply haven't gone to bed yet.
I may be tired tomorrow but it just shows that I lived the day before.

Sleepy eyes.
Candles that smell like fall.
Waking up.
Posting a blog at 4am.

..

Between Us.

2010-10-01T16:03:00.000-04:00

I went home recently.
It was a rush of moments.
Seeing faces that I see in my dreams.
And hearing voices that I could recognize even if they stood on the opposite shore.

There's something about being there.
When all's familiar and the greatest joy is just being in the same room with ones that you would lay your life down for in an instant.

My heart was always set for the world.
To see it, to be in it all.
To be everywhere at the same time.

but now.
the short moments I have with them.
mean the world to me.

there's always an ache in my heart when I want to see them right now
but know I cannot.
I must hold on to hope that someday we'll spend forever together.
And that gets me by.

back when I was too young to see my surroundings.
I was too busy dreaming about the other side of the sea.

only now do I see the beauty that was here all along.

..

Hold On.

2010-08-25T08:24:00.001-04:00

Love.
It wrecks my heart almost everyday.
I am challenged to the death of myself quite often.

Thankful I am for that fact that this very thing changed my life
4 beautiful years ago.
It's empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
and all the faults you've left behind

So when a friend comes to me with deep things, troubling things.
My heart is immediately rent.
The harvest left you no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat
But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

Because I have committed my life to them.
To Jesus.
To loving them always as He would and does, no matter what.
To bring the Kingdom closer to them in my responses and actions towards them.
And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

And most days I seriously screw it up.
But I am seriously trying.
Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take my mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind

But I can't not do anything when I see this broken world
with my broken friends and I constantly hear their cries.
I would go mad at the thought of turning the other way or closing the door to them.

Love calls me everyday.
Most of the time I don't want to answer.
Because it's difficult.
it's messy.
it hurts.
So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite me faults
And despite my growing fears

but I would choose this life over my old one any day.
believe me.
So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker's hand

You, they, Jesus is so precious to me.
And I want to be with you everyday.
And I want to be like Him so much it's ridiculous.

I am here.
And I will take these pains when they come.
And I do/will have joy.
So make your siren's call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say

My heart may be broken but it's beautifully carried thru it all.
Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how

To live my life as it's meant to be.

*Mumford and Sons-The Cave.

..

Abba.

2010-08-12T00:20:00.000-04:00

I walked out of work with a full mind.
Thinking thru many conversations, the meeting I just had screaming loudly in my ears, prayers being raised up, asking myself questions.

I don't understand.

I got into my friend's car that I was driving at the time.
My car has decided to break down.
Sometimes life is so funny.
in the middle of moving, trying to find a new job, tight money issues...
my car decides to burn out.

In the middle of all this noise in my mind
I was trying to think of what I could cut back to save money.
What things that even tho were necessary I didn't need within the month.

the phone rings.
It's my mom.
Hey, Mom...

I tell her my life. What happened at work.
She listens.

Few minutes later.
My dad calls.
Hey, Sweetheart...
How are you doing?
I heard what was going on.

He gave me advice, telling me he wishes he was here.
It makes me feel safe. Things will be ok.
he asked me about my car.
He tells me not to worry, he will take care of it.

Which he does. I take my car in.
He talks with the man at the dealership on the phone.
They figure things out.
It was my brakes not a belt, which I had guessed it was the belt.
I'm such a girl.

Recently I've been having a hard time understanding God's love.
Which is odd. I thought I slightly understood.

But seeing my dad this week [even tho he lives a thousand miles away]
doing his best to take care of me, making sure I know it will be ok.
Has given me greater hope in the Love of the Heavenly Father.

When I hear my dad tell me not to worry, I don't question that.
Things will be ok.
How much more should I trust in the Heavenly Father who jealously longs for me?

If your child asks for bread, do you trick him with sawdust?
If he asks for fish, do you scare him with a live snake on his plate?
As bad as you are, you wouldn't think of such a thing.
You're at least decent to your own children.
So don't you think the God who conceived you in love will be even better?
-Matthew 7:9-11 The Message

yes.

..

Over Now.

2010-08-03T15:01:00.000-04:00

Running on less then 6 hours of sleep for 3 days I packed up my entire life and moved.
I'm currently in the middle of a internet cafe because I don't have it yet at my new place.

It was going on 3:30am and we were laying on the floor in the middle of boxes and blankets while the fan hummed quietly overhead.
I was beyond exhausted, still in clothes from the day before and starving.
Three of the girls I lead with Young Life wanted to be the first ones to stay the night in the new place so there we were.
They were laughing and telling stories.
They are so young and innocent about the world.
I lay there with my mind running trying to figure things out, wearing myself out even more.

Before we went to sleep I suggested we pray.
In the darkness of my room we talked to God.

I laid there as I heard their voices and was so thankful.
We all went around and it came to the last girl.

She was laughing still and said:
Thank you God so much for my new house!

Tears filled my eyes.
She doesn't live here.
But she knows this is her home too.

This past year has been really rough.
There has been so much to overcome.
So many things to wade thru.
Thoughts I never wanted to think.
Plans I never wanted to do.
I wondered many days when this season would be over.
This season of doubt, fear, loneliness, questioning, struggle, numbness.

And today I am alive and wading thru joy and peace and contentment and community.
And to hear my girl praying that prayer made this past year worth it.
My hearts desire to have a house open for ministry, purposed for loving.
She saw that, thank you Jesus.

Thank you God for never abandoning me.
for pulling me thru.
for patience beyond compare.
and loving me when I was unlovable.
You are worth it.
Even in seasons of grossness, You still choose me.
That I don't understand.

..

Hello, Life.

2010-07-21T22:44:00.000-04:00

so full.

I wrote on my fridge tonight:
so this is what 20 plus some odd years looks like...
and I felt so full.

life is so beautiful and heavy.
so alive.

I had one of the best birthday's of my life.
Everyday leading up to it I was given a gift.
Meaningful ones.
And papers with written words that deeply touched my heart.

My cousin called me late into the night on my birthday.
He is very dear to my heart.
He told me what was going on in his life.
How Jesus is pursuing him. Pulling him up to a better life.
A better way. A richer view.
Telling him that I hear you when you pray.

I think that was the best gift I could of received.
To hear the news of one of my loved ones [anyone for that matter] drawing closer to Jesus.

It has been a full week.
And I feel very awake.

I laid on my bedroom floor, looking up to the ceiling.
I know you hear me.
You see my heart.
I miss You.

When you've been feeling empty for so long the feeling of fullness brings contentment.
When you've been so stressed for so long the presence of quiet brings peace.
When you've been feeling so lost for so long the hope of rescue brings security.

I feel Jesus.
thank you God.

..

They'll Call Me Freedom.

2010-07-15T20:00:00.001-04:00

Life is rough.

I have so much to say but
don't want to say any of it.

My birthday is this Sunday.
There are so many thoughts when a year of life comes to a close.
I have written words upon words upon words.
And lived hours upon hours upon hours.
And hurt and prayed and listened and cried and fought and sat in silence.

This past year has been so full and heartbreaking and life shattering.

I often think about my life and what the heck is honestly going on in it.

I've never lived a normal, white picket fence life.
I've lived too much in some eyes and not enough in my own.
I don't like pink and flowers make me gag.
Don't call me sweetie.

Give me the streets, the broken and bruised.
The homeless and searching.
The dirty the wounded the beaten down.
The doubters, the liars, the whores.
Because I am them and they are us.

It's been a hard summer.
One I didn't expect.
And I've doubted.
And temptations have screamed louder then ever.
But today and tomorrow and hopefully the next day I will choose freedom.
I will choose the less traveled road again and again and again.
Because I have well considered my life, these years I've been graciously given to live
and the dreams and hopes and thoughts I had.
The adventures I planned and the babies I had named.

And not one of those things has come to be yet.
At least not in the way I thought they'd come to be.

I am so thankful.
And grateful.
And today I am hopeful.
Because I am alive.

And Jesus is not done.
He will finish what was started.
And this is only the beginning.
And I must trust in those words.
I must cling to that Truth.

I look forward to this next year.
Because Jesus is already there.
Calling me to freedom.
to life.
to love deeper then I've known.
to rescue.
to adventures.
to better friendships.
to hope.

Life will be good.
Life is good.
He is faithful.
And calling me.

how sweet the sound.

..

Home.

2010-06-09T16:12:00.001-04:00

I miss it so much today.

It hurts.

..

Lately.

2010-05-26T21:34:00.000-04:00

Things have been good.

Running smoothly.

The summer sun is burning my pale skin.

My legs are breathing peacefully in these shorts.

My eyes are seeing thru my retro shades.

The tops of my shoulders are blushing with new freckles.

The thoughts for the future excite my heart with a tiny bounce.

And it is at peace.

These times are far and few between.
But tonight I am soaking it in.
Windows down.
Music playing.
Watching as the sun slowly goes to sleep.
I love being young.
I love being alive.
I love having questions.
I love love.

I start to worry and stop myself.
Lay those things down sweet girl.
Run wild.
Run Free.
Beauty is yours.
Laugh Loud.
This moment is for you.

Lately, I'm cherishing these moments.

..

World's Apart.

2010-05-11T19:57:00.000-04:00

And I've never met him.
I don't know how tall he is.
Or if the sound of his voice has a deep echo
that bounces off the bottom of your ribs.

But the things he writes makes me feel like I could
sit and talk with him for the rest of my life.
One with a haunting soul and lonely heart full of ache and mystery.

The ones I'm immediately drawn to.
The ones who break me to pieces all the time.

I've been reading his work for the past hour and am
mesmerized by his thoughts.

I remember one time I went to this show.
It was downtown in a building that, from the outside, looked abandoned.
The drummer sang along while his friends strummed on their guitars beside him.
As if they were there for support rather then complementing melodies.
He screamed and yelled words that were dark and light.
The setting was very heavy.
I could see right thru him.
He fought demons darker then he knew.
His music spoke of deeper struggles that I believe he didn't even know he had.
But he thought he was deep. He spoke as if he was free.
His eyes, his body language was of a broken kid.
Trying to grow up.

The more I read these mans words I am feeling the same.
The dark heart of a aching wanderer.
His words are priceless.
Ones I love.

But his life I cannot seem to grasp.
drugs, alcohol became the death of him.

I think that when writers search too deep into themselves, they become lost.
We don't find the answers.
We don't find the meanings.
And sadly we can't find the words.

so instead of going deeper in our own issues which brings more pain.
We cover the pain with other substances.
Other people.
Other thoughts.
Other cities.

Writing is sometimes dangerous.
It brings things to surface.
You might not want to face.
Because these thoughts are precious and want to be heard.
But they probably aren't getting read.
It doesn't matter.

They are being heard.
clearly.

I have so many questions for him.
How do you feel, truly?
What are you thinking?
Do the drugs really help, or do you still feel cloudy?
do you think you should be rescued?
Do you want to be?
Where is your hope?
Do you have hope?

Your close friends.. do you really feel true fellowship?
Or do they love you because of the things you write?
Because of the things you do or simply because of who you are?

The fact is he is dead.
I cannot meet him or get to know him truly.
Only his words he left behind.
This saddens me.
Because there was hope for healing.
And reason that Truth could be found.
And he missed it.
I don't know, maybe he didn't and one day I'll find out.
I cannot judge but my heart is sad.

what am I doing with my life????
that I won't end up like him.

I have hope.
I want to be rescued.
I see the beauty.
I write with love.

I wish he did too.

..

I Gave It All.

2010-05-09T12:28:00.003-04:00

And it was all for love.

and I was hurt.
deeply burned.

it was all for love.

and I was broken.
and beaten.
ripped apart and shattered.

it was all for love.

and I was lied to.
spit on.
slapped.
and punched in the sides.
I couldn't breathe.

it was all for love.

and you walked away.
you ran further away.
you closed the door.
you hid in the closet.
and spent days building walls.

it was all for love.

and I called you every day.
I wrote you letters every hour.
and sang your name out loud.

it was all for love.

and you were lead into dark places.
places with no light.
no reality of escape.
nothing.

it was all for love.

and it was all to have you begin to run.
to see where your treasures lie.
to see the hope to which I called you.

it was all for love.

and I was jealous.
of your love.
of your heart.
of your soul.
of your thoughts.
of your laugh.

it was all for love.

and nothing could hold me back.
I fought off every chance of evil towards you.
I broke open the secrets in your life.
I ran.

it was all for love.

I ran towards you.
I run towards you.
always. running.
forever.

this is all for love.

and you live.
and move.
and breathe.
and have life.
in Me.

this is all for love.

and when you were made.
I held you.
dearly.

this is love.

and I long for you.
I wait for you.
I dream of you.
I think of you.
all the time.

this is love.

I sit on the porch of the world.
watching.
waiting.
looking.
for you.

this is love.

and I have a story.
and you are a part of it.
you are the cause of it.

this is love.

and I chose not to be without you.
and I gave it all.

it was all for Love.

..

Two Decades.

2010-05-07T13:33:00.000-04:00

It seems to me that your 20's are the most excruciating pivotal moments in your life.
why is that?

I feel as tho these years are holy ground for questioning, rebellion and truth.

I rebelled in my teen years.
Not so much outwardly as I did inwardly.
I questioned everything, every motive.
why do this? why do that?
I will not do what you tell me to do.

I defied my parents by running away one weekend.
Only to be found hours later in the upstairs room of my friend.

But my 20's have been all together something more wild and freeing then those moments on the weekends when I was a teen that I was sure nobody would find out about.

I thought so much for my 20's.
I thought I'd change the world.
Get married.
Write some books.
make a few babies [maybe]

But NONE of those have happened yet.

And here I am.
Not a single plan I had come to the present.

I've watched my friends as we've ventured into these years.
And we are not who we used to be.
Maybe because we've become so jaded and used.
or because we've already become tired and feared the worst.
But there's something about our spirits that keep coming back to life.
Keep urging us to run.

I've never experienced such life altering trials in my life before now.
I've never questioned the Truth has much as I have.
I've never rebelled as much as I have until now.

why is that?
was it meant to be this way?

most of my generation is not married.
When over half of our parents would already of been married by this age already expecting children.
We don't go to church regularly and we often socially drink.

Have we become the people are parents warned us about?
Or is there something more going on?
Deeper meaning to our actions then we even realize.

..

2010-05-01T21:57:00.000-04:00

Delay is not denial- not even withholding.
It is the opportunity for God to work out your problems and accomplish
your desires in the most wonderful way possible for you.

Remember that your Maker is also your Servant, quick to fulfill,
quick to achieve, faithful to accomplishment.
Yes. All is well.

I read that tonight and felt like someone needed to hear it.
I needed to hear it.

Oh, that we would know how much we are loved
and cared for by Him.

..

Burned.

2010-04-09T21:42:00.001-04:00

Sometimes You're further than the moon.
Sometimes You're closer than my skin.

It's been awhile.

Here I am.
You surround me like a winter fog.

Life is so tragically beautiful.
And painfully true.
You've come and burned me with a kiss.

I've not been writing lately.
And I'm so filthy with my sin.
But my thoughts [as always] never stop thinking.
And I've written a thousands words in my head every day.
I carry pride like a disease.
They just never make it to paper.
But they are being heard, loud and clear.

I don't have anything to say at the moment.
You know I'm stubborn Lord and am longing to be close.

I have so many plans for my life.
What can I do with my obsession with the things I cannot see?
so many things I want to do and people I want to meet.
Is there madness in my being?
Is it the wind that moves the trees?
The future often terrifies me.
Because I have such a huge idea of what life should be like.
And I'm learning more and more that God knows what my life should be like.

I feel lonely without hope.
I feel desperate without vision.

so here I am.
sleeping in this house.
living in this city.
working in this job.
speaking Truth into these situations.
here I am.
You come and free me like a bird.
waiting.
longing.
burning.
hoping.
praying.
waiting.

And my heart burns for You.
And my heart burns for You.
And my heart burns for You.
And my heart burns for You.

oh it burns for You.

*obsession-david crowder band.

..

To Feel.

2010-03-20T19:58:00.002-04:00

I see you in the brokenness.
mess.
heartache.
deadness.
numb nights
and mornings.
tears
and no tears at all.
lifeless day to day.

I cannot help but see your beauty.

Do not loosen your grip to hope.
You are right where you're so suppose to be.

Even tho I cannot feel Jesus in anything I do,
I cannot deny His presence.
This doesn't make sense.

I don't know why I'm going thru this.
But I'm not questioning.
I'm quickly turning any question or unsettled thought into trust.

I have to.
He is coming thru for me.
In so many ways.
I cannot deny His existence or help in my life.

I just cannot feel anything.
Feelings are wanted but Truth is precious.

I appreciate where I'm at in this life.
I know this will/is teaching me something.
What.. I have no idea.
Thoughts come and go on a daily basis.

but words are being written and stories are being told in the midst of this.
This will bring forth something.
I pray it's something of worth and not just a wasted moment.

How are you doing?
Please let me know.

what's going thru your mind?
how's your heart?

be at peace.

..

Live Forever.

2010-02-24T18:19:00.000-05:00

If I could give these girls one thing,

I'd give them the gift of seeing themselves how I see them.

Such magical explosions of beauty that scream across my heart every time I see them or hear their voice.

They are possible.
They are pure.

They are REAL.

But I'd rather for them to see how Jesus sees them.

They would only be able to respond in radical freedom if that gift was given.

Yeah.

I don't know how I got to this season.

Why I ended up in the world at this hour with the heart I have.

So many things to process, such madness swimming thru my mind.

But one thing I can be so grateful for is this gift.

The gift of these girls and the grace to love them.

I guess I have something to say and they have ears that want to hear.

I heard this song this past weekend.

And I am so in love with the words.

I would sing this to them every night if I could:

Laughter is the only thing that will keep you sane.

This world is dying more and more everyday.

Don't let evil get you down in this madness spinning round and round.

I want you to live forever

underneath the sky so blue.

Some people say faith is a childish game.

Well play on children like it's Christmas day.

Sing me a song,

Sing me a melody

You can sing out loud cause you're a symphony.

Take courage when the road is long.

Don't ever forget that you're never alone.

I want you to live forever.

to be alive for forever.

with me and you and Us.

for forever, for always.

they do exist and we can live there.

together.

never alone.

never a part.

never left.

never those things for forever.

let's live forever.

it can be done.

it must be done.

but the choice is yours.

and I say CHOOSE LIFE.

choose forever Somewhere.

somewhere together,

with Us and them and me.

laughter forever.

love forever.

be forever.

I hope you live forever.

.......

2010-02-09T14:16:00.000-05:00

I feel as tho I carry the weight of a thousand lifetimes in my heart.
Every story I hear, every burden I connect with,
every moment where I am mysteriously joined to that person or situation.
Those never leave me.

I am so young.
but my eyes have seen
and my ears have heard
and my hands have done
enough to fill book after book after book.

I carry such deep burdens, it's hard to explain.

I drove home in the cover of darkness.
I was overcome with such tears.
For someone I didn't know.
My heart is broken and begging.

I am so sad at the darkness that they exist in.

All these memories and stories and pictures run thru my mind.
the emotions involved, the heartache, the confusion.
the quiet desperation.
the drugs that cover it all.

we are so young.
and we've been exposed to so much.
sometimes my heart is violently ripped open.
I don't know where my story starts and yours ends.
I identify with every word you say.
every thing to your story, it becomes mine as well.

I feel calm.
but inside
deep inside.
where only the mysteries of You live.
where I don't even know exist.
There are aches.
deep aches, that slowly come to the surface.
and tears begin to flow.
but not for me.
no not for me.

for you.

Sometimes I ache for you instead.
because there is this serious wound.
deep down in the depths.
and when it is brushed or touched or thought of
I am overcome.
a blessed wound.

what a joyful thing.

I feel the weight of a thousand lifetimes.

I don't understand a lot.
but this I know too well.

I often feel too young and reckless to step into this.
But when people's pain and sin
are splattered on the canvas of my heart
I cannot do nothing.

something I am doing.
this wrecks my heart.
this pain and sin.
but I will stand under the weight.
Because this is nothing compared to the heaviness that was once given.

when all the weight and pain was placed on one Man.

so if I am supposed to carry one other's I can.
by grace and strength.
even tho it feels like a thousand other's.

I have become nauseously aware.

tho I am thankful.
because it dares me to move.

have you ever felt the pain of someone else's heart?
or life?
it's messy.
and gut wrenching.

but I am hopeful.
even in the darkness that surrounds us.

and I have to understand that things might get worse.
situations might get heavier.
hearts may become more dark.
and this pain will probably increase.

I could choose to step away.
To say no and try to forget.
But you cannot erase with you know.
the conscience is a precious machine.

but I have to trust that it's ok.
it's going to be alright.
there is an End and I will reach it.

and you will be by my side.

..

Inclined to Something.

2010-01-14T19:48:00.001-05:00

Prone to wander Lord I feel it.
Prone to leave the God I love.
Here's my heart Lord, take and seal it.
Seal it for thy court's above.

Wander.
leave.
go.

In the depths of everything that is 'me' I feel it.
The urge to walk away.
To leave this all behind.
To cast my cares and burdens to the wind and run far away.

This haunting whisper, telling me I'm missing out.
There's better out there.
leave. run.
I know your lies.
I've listened to them many times before.

but this mystery of what I've chosen keeps me awake at night.
This call to get up.
to rise above
to SPEAK.
to DO SOMETHING.

but I'm just tired and want to stop trying.

I'm so blank.
bored.
not responding.

He wants to be my friend.
He is looking for friends.
What is it seriously going to take for my full attention.
that scares me.

I just sit here in my cold room thinking.
Continually thinking.
But never saying anything.

OPEN YOUR MOUTH.

I still don't know what I'm doing.
Somethings off.
And I hate playing these games.
These life games.

I want to throw open the curtains and see what's really going on outside.

I'm just trying to be real.
But fakeness is choking me to death.

Put up a front.
Don't tell them you're struggling.
Or that something is wrong.
Or that you want to walk away.
I'm paralyzed in this plastic phase of nothing.
feeling nothing.
doing nothing.
saying nothing.

I keep waiting.
For His voice.
For His direction.
For His touch to revive this heart.

But I just wake up and go to sleep.
And fear the silence.
So I keep myself busy.
Keep moving.
But I'm actually doing nothing.
of importance.
or significance.
or meaning.

I love Jesus.

I know I won't, I cannot, I will not walk away.
I cannot imagine my life without Him.
These past few weeks have been awful.
Boring. Dead. Not living.

and I'm tired.
it's exhausting doing this on your own.
You find yourself in situations and your stuck.
Broken down.

I struggle with walking away.
for just a moment.
for just a weekend.
for just a second.

But I'm seeing that it's His Grace that lovingly pulls me back in.

no matter where I've been.
what I've been doing.
where my thoughts have taken me.

I won't let you run.

I don't understand a lot of things.
I don't understand my emotions or thoughts.
I don't see how I'm lovable or beautiful.
I don't know why He chose me.
Seriously.

This makes me rightfully fearful.

Because so much rests on Him.
Everything rests on Him.

And He takes me and my life and wraps me up.
everything that is going on.
all that is falling apart.

I love this.
I love you.

I'm prone to wander.
He knows it.
He knows me, my inner most thoughts.

But something inside me causes Him to chase after me.
He is a jealous Uncreated Being.
Jealous for my thoughts and heart and life.
Jealous of my time.

I keep typing to remind myself.
To remind myself to trust Him.
to welcome the scary silence.
to be still.

Even tho I want to run so fast.
so far away.

It doesn't matter if this makes sense to you.
It doesn't to me either.
But I don't write to get approval of whatever you want to approve me for.

Life is messy.
Really messy.
And we are a mess.
This is so fake.
This life.
how we act, what we do.
And I'm just trying to be real.

to be raw and open.
Because that's all I know to be.
I've seen the cruel intentions.
the hardness of hearts.
it does not appeal to me.

And so no matter what happens to me.
and this life I have to trust that He does.
and even tho I sometimes give up and say I'm quiting.
and slam the door and don't talk for days on end.
I know that He sees everything.
as scary and invading that is.
But I'm glad He does.

Because He sees and still loves.
and still calls after me.

beckoning me and you to something better.
and more Real.

So here it is Lord.
my.heart.
take it and run with it.
seal it far away from me.
because if it's in my possession I mess with it and break it.
and rip it to shreds.

I don't want it.
I don't want that burden
anymore.

..

Unknown Still.

2010-01-09T19:26:00.000-05:00

Have you ever been in the driver's seat of a car that's went out of control?
Not knowing what to do next.
Things flashing before you.
You must regain control.

Control.
You have to somehow get this million pound death machine
under control.

You may panic.
Scream.
Go blank.
Hold your breath.
You may quickly snap into action.
doing all the things you remember how to do when they taught you when you were younger.

or you just might

go numb.

I'm not even sure what caused this death machine I'm on to lose control.
Maybe it was foreseen and I choose not to take precautions.
Maybe things underneath were brewing and suddenly they became too much and broke thru and caused problems.
Maybe this sick machine just broke down.
and it's waiting to see how I respond.

Either way I must be honest.
I don't know what I'm doing.

I've lost all control.
Nothing is in my hands.
I don't know how to explain this.
What I feel I've only felt 3 others times in my life.

And I think it's ok.
Because as much as I gripped my fingers into the sides of control and screamed when anyone came to help pry my bleeding fingers off ...

I must.
let go.

You know I thought I knew what I was doing.
I thought I lived completely abandoned.

I fought to be as free as I could.
so free that I had no restraints.
none.
that I knew of.

I could do what I wanted.
go where I wanted.
Pack my things and leave at a moment's notice.

What I forgot was that I choose when to do those things.
I.
I.
me.

Yes Jesus Christ moved in my life and lead me many times.
But not without question.
without bits of fear on my part.
without tears and many of them.

and when I was told to stay I fought so hard.
harder then I ever fought in my life,
without actually punching something.

my desire in life is to be so free.
abandoned to this world.

not owning anything.
living as simple as possible.
going where the wind blows.

and changing lives in the process.

but I don't think I ever knew that it was my life that would be changed.

I'm such an emotions girl.
I feel everything.
truly feel in the depths, all the time.

it's exhausting.

and when I feel nothing.

I'm thrown into unknown space.
trying to feel my way thru.
feel what I did wrong.
should I feel guilty?
should I feel sad?
I feel numb.
I don't even feel numb.

Sometimes I think that when this million pound death machine called Life
takes away all emotions, all feelings.
It's stripping us so all we feel in the end is Truth.

all we feel is Him.

And I can't say I'm there yet.

I'm still walking numb.
Feeling nothing.

But each day gets easier.
a little more painful but
I'm slowly seeing how I must change in order to feel nothing but only Him.

I remember I told Him last year at this time.
"You can have it, I trust You."

I wept on the floor of the upstairs corner room.
gripping my heart.
as if my life depended on those words crawling out of my mouth.

and what I'm learning is that they do.

My heart is very broken.
In the deepest part of way.
But it has gotten my attention.

attention.
He wants it.
yours.

be mindful.

Now even as I type this I'm sitting alone.
waiting.
trying to stop myself from trying to gain control again.
to stop from thinking too far ahead in the future.
I must remain in Him.
no matter what.

Because the end is Him.

the future is Him.
my life is Him.
the present is Him.

this is more freeing then I thought.

focusing on Him to lead.
on Him to move.
on Him to give the go ahead.

I still don't know what I'm doing.

but I'm waiting.
as non-profound as that sounds.

waiting to see how this ends.
how He will remain by my side and see me thru.

even when I have my eyes closed.

..

Resolve-less.

2010-01-07T17:18:00.000-05:00

[this was written late Tuesday night]

this post doesn't resolve.

I don't have peace.
and I am scared.

life is really, really weird.
I don't feel anything.
I don't know what I feel.
I can't feel what I know.

just weird.

my heart is broken.
and smashed all up in this rib cage of mine.

when I pray I just cry.
I end up repeating myself.
Jesus.

I had a breakdown last night.
I don't even know how it came up.
I just needed to be alone.
and the tears flowed so heavy that my face stung.

I called my mom.
because moms just know what to do.

"mom, I'm so scared."

that phone call really opened my eyes.
my parents are crazy Jesus loving beings.

words were spoken, eyes were opened, encouragement was given.
and my heart was lightened for a moment.

I tried to clean myself up.
wash away the look of tears.
and try to breathe normally.

I went to a friend's house for dinner.
I knew I looked like a total mess.
But I hoped they didn't care.
we ate and talked and laughed.

ice cream floats are so good by the way.

I started to leave and then was taken by surprise with
an incredible blessing.
I mean, wow.
I didn't know what to do.
You kind of feel helpless.

There's nothing you could but receive it.

we want to help with the burden you are carrying.

and my heart felt even lighter.

I am/was/still soo grateful.

today as been different.
I don't feel so broken.
but I don't have peace.
and the fear still lingers a bit.

I'm really uncertain about the future.
really uncertain.

I've been trying to make myself feel better.
and tell myself it will be ok.
but sometimes/most of the time that doesn't work/help.

I'm not even going to try to tell myself another thing to do.
Because I feel so worn out.
from crying.
from thinking.
from talking.
from trying.
from bearing another thing.

All I know to do is keep living.
keep talking.
keep hoping.
keep loving.
keep seeking.
keep asking.
keep breathing.

just continue to keep breathing.

..

That You Run and Never Tire.

2009-12-14T22:33:00.000-05:00

And we have a God who runs after us and never tires.
His Son prays for us daily.
With such patience we cannot understand.
Waiting in grace with boundless love.
Blazing with holy fire to burn away all that doesn't belong.

And He loves.
Loves.
you.

Even if you never look His way or say anything back.
He watches in rich love for you.

Whoa.

I needed to know that today.
Because my heart feels a little bruised.
But God is on the Throne and Jesus still loves me.

Here are some pictures of the YoungLife Girl's Christmas Party.
It was funny/gag gifts.

The Lord your God is with you,
He is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
He will quiet you with his love,
He will rejoice over you with singing."

..

Tonight.

2009-12-13T22:13:00.002-05:00

I feel beautiful and young.

This past week has been solid.
Full and searching.
So much is happening I pretend to be overwhelmed.
But I'm not.

I'm typing by the glow of the Christmas lights hanging from the ceiling
and down the walls in my little apt.
I'm reading a story of this girl.
Who I know that if we met in real life, would be good friends.

The story is full of loneliness, searching, heartache,
confession, redemption, more heartache, Grace and Love.
It brings me to my knees.
Some of the things she says make me gasp.
Not because of the darkness of the sin but because I see myself in her.
Part of that is scary and part of that brings healing.

We all have a story.
Whether you've been writing it yourself or not.
You have a beginning and middle and end.
And I remember in junior high daydreaming of my story.
How will this turn out?
Who will I meet next?
Where will I go from there?
Will I really change the world like I hope to?
It was innocent thoughts swirling around a 6th graders head.

Fast forward a decade.
Here we sit in this city miles and miles and miles away from family.
I know the beginning, the first chapters quite well.
And even tho I thought I was starting the middle
I think I'm honestly still on the first page.

I have so much to learn.

But the past 6 months of my life I have never learned so much then ever before.
Things I thought I knew were dust compared to what I had no idea about.

Grace.

I knew Jesus loved me.
I knew He gave me things I didn't deserve.
I knew He died on a cross to wipe away all my sins.

BUT I didn't know that.
It was Truth to me and it lived in my heart and I believed those precious things.
But it hadn't soaked down to the deepest parts of my being.

It wasn't until I found myself in a situation where I desperately needed
His forgiveness and grace.
And I do not say desperate lightly.

I think when you're backed up in a corner with the ugliness of your own sin,
you're willing to do anything it takes to make it better, to feel better.
To wipe your slate clean.

I forgave when I needed to. I prayed for what needed to be prayed for.
I didn't say anything when nothing was meant to be said.
I spoke when I felt like my insides were gonna bust.
And I crawled back into my bed every night with a deepening knowledge of who Jesus Christ really is.
What His grace truly gives.
How incredibly righteous is this blazed in love God that I serve.

I learned that He hates sin.
So when I asked Him to take it, He did whatever it took to get it out of my life.

In this day we water down sin so much.
We think it's ok to play a little here and there and Christ forgives but what we don't understand is the lasting damage and consequences we create.
The alter to our lives that 'innocently' we now have to live with.

In our stories most of us have pain.
We have memories we want to forget.
Choices we want to un-do and lies we want to untell.
But what good is a story whose pages were never resolved?

These past 6 months, I haven't written that much.
But I've been thinking about a lot.
And going thru life with Jesus trying to get better.

Sometimes we're tricked into thinking that our worst moments
will haunt us forever.
But in reality I think your worst moments will become your greatest ministry,
if you let Jesus handle the mess.

I know I don't have this thing called life down.
Not even close.
One time I thought I did.
That makes me laugh now.

I'm just a girl in this beautiful and broken world, who loves Jesus
with all my life.
I've messed up.
I've dropped the ball on a lot of things.
I don't respond to emails that beg for my response.
And I tell people I'll do something and don't but I'm still beautiful to Him.

And everyday is another chance to bring a little more healing to yourself
and others.
We were created to be whole.
And you won't be satisfied until you are.

What's your story?
How are you going to let it be written?
Will it be in the history books?
Or just some papers that fly away in the wind?

I read this tonight in response to that girl's story:
“Very few [Christ-followers] feel their disappointment with life deeply enough to fix their hope on what is yet to come. Even fewer face their sin so thoroughly that forgiveness becomes their most valued blessing"

So very true.
I value forgiveness very much now.

Life is messy.
We think we know what we know.
But sometimes we don't.
Stories are amazing.
People are loving.
And Jesus is forgiving.

..

A Thousand Words.

2009-12-13T22:12:00.000-05:00

I love these girls so much.
This is only a few of girls that I lead with YoungLife at Thanksgiving.
We hung lights and ate cookie dough.
Their hearts are so beautiful and their faces are too.

..

Put a Lid on All This Noise.

2009-11-21T21:14:00.000-05:00

I feel so alone.

Im not sure what is going on with this life.
It seems like everyone and everything is breaking my heart.
I crave to be around people but the moment I'm surrounded I fight to get alone.
And being alone makes an even deeper craving for community.

I've been by myself for so long I'm becoming restless of my own thoughts.
I'm tired of only me knowing my inner ramblings.

I've been really calm lately.
Even in busy rushed moments.
Calmness is dwelling within.

I feel at peace.
I know everything is ok.
My body just wants me to think otherwise.

I was told this week that I'm very patient.
I think I contribute that to self control maybe?
I've been waiting for a few things for years.
I waited to move here for over 2 years.

And I think tonight I'm just getting mad at my restlessness.
Tired of telling myself it will be alright.
I'm tired of having no one to encourage me.
I'm tired of living alone.
And this is all making me restless.

I'm not sad, I'm just calmly bored.

One of my first posts written a few January's ago,
I wrote about longing for community in my life.
And that longing is still here.

Am I doing something wrong?
Or am I just getting tired of this and want to move on?

I fear that I'm such a traveler that I can't stay in one place for long.
I could be getting cabin fever of my life?
No, that's not it.

I know I belong here [all these are just thoughts]
I honestly think I'm afraid that I'll be alone forever.
This haunting thought creeps in ever so often.

I know I'm not alone, but when I'm the only one I see in the room I sure
do feel like it.

I read this awhile ago and it encouraged me to continue this narrow road I'm on.
It reminded me of my younger self [and the girl I'm becoming.]
I was such a baby when I made the choice to serve Him.
I never regret the road it's taken me down.
Not for one second.
I just need to continue to listen to His voice instead of all this noise.

"There is a certain potency to her presence that is hard to describe. She owns no property and she lives as simply as she possibly can because she committed early in her life to give everything she had to making the world the kind of place God dreams it could be. It is a joy to be with her because everything matters in her life. Nothing is swallow or trite or superficial. She's very funny and smart and compassionate- a magnificent human. Because she's been exploring her own soul for so long, she knows herself inside and out. She's at peace and it's contagious."

There's a reason for this time.
For these feelings and thoughts.
For this time alone.
Even tho it seems like it's gone on for my whole life.
When this time comes to an end, I'll be so grateful.
And my appreciation for you will be so deep.

I love you.
so much.

..

Secrets.

2009-11-16T18:01:00.001-05:00

"I throw up to be as pretty as my friends."

"I cut myself every night."

"I want to talk to my dad but he's always high."

"I wish I would die, but I'm too scared to talk about it."

"I hook up with random guys to get over the pain from you."

"I'll never be enough."

I was talking with some coworkers the other day.
They were saying that there is a balance of good and evil in the world.
I disagreed with them and that's when the conversation got deeper.
I brought up the fact that there couldn't be a balance because everything is broken.
Nothing equals out.
Just because you do something good doesn't mean good will come to you and vice versa.

Life doesn't work that way.

He said,"if you're life is really good then something bad is bound to happen."
I asked,"who told you that?"

So if I live a life of crime doing 'bad' things I should expect something good to come to me?
they said, "umm no."
Then what do you mean?

Because good doesn't equal out the evil.
That's just life. Bad things happen and good things happen.
We suffer the consequences of our actions.

They kept trying to tell me that there is a balance.
Ya know like ying and yang.

I kept asking them where did you hear that?
Why do you believe that? Who told you that?

They didn't really have an answer.

I said you can't tell me the world is in balance.
You can't see how much this world is jacked up?
Not even in the deepest pasrt of you things aren't working right, every thing's broken!
Nobody said a word.

I looked at them and said, "So don't tell me the world is in balance. Don't stand there and lie to me! Because I know I'm broken. Nobody is working right, everyone has secrets, people lie, bad things happen, good things happen, unjust things take place everyday. There is NO balance, so stop lying to yourself to make yourself feel safe or comfortable, because I would rather believe hard reality then soft lies."

Everyone was quiet for a moment.
Tears were building in my eyes.
We talked for about an hour.
It was me vs. everyone else.

Many more things were said that were just plain WRONG and hurtful.
I walked to the back office and sat in silence.
Tears rolled down my cheeks.
I talked to God and told Him how much it hurt.
It was like a deep ache ripped open in my gut.

I couldn't believe that they would believe something that they just heard somewhere.
They didn't know what they believed, they fought back with anger and cutting words.
When I was just simply asking questions, trying to get them to really know what they believed.

I'm not shocked by this, it's expected because of the days we live in.
I was just heartbroken.

Last week at YoungLife we talked to our high school friends about secrets.
We talked about how broken and jacked up the world is.
How it got to be this way and why.
We showed them some secrets from a website called postscret.com
People send in their secrets on post cards anonymously.

Then we gave them all their own blank post card.
Every single one of them wrote something down.
We collected them at the end.

Everyone was quiet.
Some were crying.
Others didn't make eye contact as they walked out of the room.

The leaders read all 149 secrets later.
Reading the secrets was very hard and heavy.
Because I know these kids. I see them every week and these secrets were deep.

My heart has been heavy all week.
Thinking of them and their pain.
How the world is so broken.
How nothing is in balance, nothing is working right.

We are all trying to figure things out ourselves.
Every one's trying to heal themselves.
Trying not to let others find out that some thing's wrong.

When that's not the Truth.

I told a friend this week that I needed some help and advice.
I felt kind of out of control in my heart.
Things weren't right.
I was nervous for their reaction.
But I was greeted with soft eyes and a pat on my arm.

One thing we fear is that we are the only one's whose done this.
No one else would understand.
Nobody else struggles with this.

When again, that's not the Truth.

Tonight we are talking at Young Life about the healing of these secrets.
How to fix this mess we're in.
I'm very expectant. Jesus is so ready.

My heart is heavy but my spirit is light.
Good things are gonna happen.

I'm ending this with a challenge:

I want you to leave a comment with a secret of yours.
You can leave it anonymously.
I think that in doing so we will see how alike we really are instead of different.

If anything is gonna change we gotta pull together as one.
We're all in this life together and we seem to forget that.
We all were born and we're all gonna die.

If anything from this I hope that you know how loved and sought after you are.
No matter how many times I say that it is the Truth.
No matter what's happened or what you've done.
Seriously.

Praying for you precious one reading this.

goodnight.

..

2009-11-09T01:43:00.003-05:00

I should be sleeping. I am exhausted.
But I think writing late into the night is sometimes good.
Raw emotions spilling over.

There is this girl.
Whom I have loved from the beginning.
She is so precious and in a lot of trouble.
I found out tonight that she is addict to cocaine.

I knew something was up weeks ago.
I felt it in my gut, but I didn't listen.

My first reaction was asking her close friend if she told her she loved her.
She said yes.
Good.
She needs to know how much she is loved.
Forever.
Always.
loved.
beyond this drug.
Beyond the thoughts of ending it all.
Loved in the depths of her haunting ache.

Gah, if I could I'd take her beautiful face in my hands and tell her I love her.
over and over and over.

I know it wouldn't cover over the pain or heal completely what was done.
But I know it would spark a response.
and love covers over a multitude of sin.

It's hard listening to someone who is addicted to a drug.
They lie. They bust thru protective walls as they're building a new one right beside it.

They take one step forward and twelve back.
You cannot trust their word.

She wants help but is she willing to go deep enough, be raw enough?
Learn to live for something other then this addiction?

It has made me to think.
We are the same way.
We say we want to live in true freedom.
Know real Love.
Be real.

but let's get real.
seriously.

I think freedom scares us.
True freedom.
Because nothing of this world is there.
Nothing from here to grab ahold of.
Nothing to lean on.
It is you and you are free.

There is no addiction to press into to.
our earthly comforts are taken away.
Our pain no longer is the excuse we can choose to wear.

We would rather dig our nails in deeper to the chains locked tightly around our
little wrists then break free and run.
Because the chains have been there.
They hold us tight, tighter then we ever wanted.
But they have stayed when everyone else left.

All you know is this world.
all you know is what you've experienced.
You haven't known true freedom.
You don't know the feeling of real unadulterated Love.

Because if you did, you wouldn't be in this situation.

We are only faced with letting go of the things of this world
for things of the World to come.

We know this world too well.
We know how it works.
We know that glitter rusts.
and lies are convincing.

And we continue to choose this everyday.

But when and what will it take for you to choose everything over nothing.
Nothing is what we get everyday.
No love.
No satisfaction.
No freedom.
No rest.
Nothing, yet we know this and still choose it.

It's comfortable.
It's what we know.

When will we pry our fingers off of this and onto eternity?
When??

I would rather trust Love unseen then hatred seen.
I would rather choose wild freedom then friendly chains.
I would rather believe in Words yet to be heard then beautiful lies.

I would rather choose for you.
Because I would make you choose eternity.
Love. freedom. trust.
But I cannot.

why is the most beautiful message of Love so real and freedom so deep
one of the most despised of this day?

I ask this question like I don't know.

My eyes are so heavy.
But I want to keep writing.

My heart aches for this girl.
I see how far God has taken her this far.
He will not leave her now.
there is no option for Him.
He is committed to seeing her free.

That's His desire for you.
Letting go of what you know and clinging onto the mystery of Him.

The alluring mystery of solid knowledge and deep understanding.
He is true freedom.
Everything about Him is free and wild.

And maybe it's Him who scares us.
Because you don't know Him.

You don't understand how letting go of everything and clinging to One thing
equals out.
But in letting go we get more.
More then we ever knew.

You know this.
Or you're choosing not to listen.

True Freedom is in Him.
There is no crutch or idle thought or addiction or habit.
It's Him and He is enough.

I prayed for her tonight and I felt peace.
He is enough for her.

....

I feel asleep writing this last night.
I'm going to see her today in a few hours.
She doesn't know I know yet.
I pray I have peace that passing understanding and she feels unashamed when I see her.

If you're reading this today, know that I'm praying for you.
That fear would not haunt you and peace would rule in your hearts.
knowing Him makes all the difference.
Not just knowing 'about' Him but close communion.

Tonight is going to be good.
Pray that she is willing.

..

Broken Ashes.

2009-10-29T22:37:00.001-04:00

There was storm clouds looming overhead.
It began raining as I climbed the outside steps up to the their room.
The stairs were black iron and the music playing was filled
with darkness.
My ears were overwhelmed with the deep haunting sounds that shook my bones.
I closed my eyes as they took my hand and lead me up more steps.

I remember thinking I'll be down in just a minute.
I have to go quickly.
But I chose to keep walking.
I chose to wait a little longer.

I awoke the next day completely shocked that it was the morning.
Sadness and terror ran thru my veins.
I grabbed for my phone to try and get ahold of someone- anyone.
But it was not working.
It actually broke in two in my hand.

I ran downstairs toward the body of water that lay before me.
I covered my mouth to hide my screams.
I began weeping.
I just looked at the ocean begging for it to swallow me whole.

Someone followed me out there.
They stood in front of me.
They didn't bring comfort.
They brought blame.
Look at what you've done.
At the mess you've made.
Try and fix it now.

I looked in their eyes trying to think of something to say.
I began talking to them explaining my reasoning, my thought process.
They began laughing.
I knew it wouldn't help but I was trying to save anything I could.

I ran back to the building.
Others began to mock me.
You call yourself a leader?
Wait until they find out.
How will you explain yourself?

My words meant nothing.
My actions were all they saw.

I was filled with desperate terror.
I began apologizing.
As if that would soothe the situation.
I've lost everything.

I kept covering my mouth.
In fear that I could start screaming.
My tears didn't stop.
They kept getting worse.

I was stuck in this moment.
Nothing could help this mess.
I was alone.
I sinned.
And it was all my fault.

.

I woke up with a jerk.
There was a rain storm outside.
My entire body was tense and sweaty.
I sat up and checked my phone. I was alive.
It was a dream.
I tried to shake it off.
It was just a dream.
Relax. Calm down.
But I couldn't.

The haunting music was still ringing in my ears.
I started to cry.
I walked my hall up and down.

Oh Jesus.
I grabbed my chest and fell on my bed.

What does this mean?
What are you trying to tell me?

I was disgusted with sin.
The sin in that dream was blaring thru my mind.
How sick is it.
How destructive it is.
How it causes you to lose everything.
Nothing is sacred to sin. nothing.

And in that dream I had sinned.
And I lost everything.
I would rather of had the ocean swallow me whole then deal with what I did.
The darkness and coldness of the atmosphere in that dream was very real.

I felt weak and helpless.
I wanted to cry out to Jesus but I felt so unworthy.
So wrong.

I sat on my bed.
Trying to reassure myself of His love.
Trying to convince myself that He is listening.

I broke the silence and cried out.

I can't do this alone. I can't keep pretending. I can't keep running.
You have to stop me. You have to save me. Even tho everything inside me feels the opposite and that You could care less about the state I'm in. I have to trust that You would break my legs for my good. In order to carry me home Yourself.

I was surprised at my words.
I felt like I didn't know what I was saying.
But I felt that what I was saying was true.
I waited for a response.

Don't you see how much I love you?
I'm bringing you back.

I kept quiet.
Not wanting to trust what I know to be true.
I saw myself in the valley of ashes.
Legs broken, laying down looking at the sky.
You can't help yourself when your legs are broken.
You can't move, you can't run.
You can try to get up but it would cause even more pain.
You can only wait for someone to help you.

So here I lay in the valley with broken bones.
Learning to wait for Him to come pick me up.
And trusting Him in this pain.

I trust that He lets heartache and bone breaking moments in our life
to bring Him back to Himself.
Even tho it hurts so much.
It's a pain He can heal.
It's a pain that open eyes.
It's a pain that brings forth greater love.

Because it's all about Him.
And seeing His glory.
I want/pray to see His glory in my life.

:
You and I meet on the shores of the broken.
You swallow the ocean. I swallow my pride.
Only to see the way that I need You
Is more than I knew I ever could...

I cant help thinking
That the way that You want me
And the ghost that haunts me
Are one and the same
Cause You stand at my window
At night while I'm sleeping.
There's not a promise I'm keeping
That could ever repay You.

In between the ashes and the flames
There's a song that burns brighter
Than radio waves
About the remnants of my idols
And the shadow of my shame
About how they scatter like the rain and I can't stop crying
Cause You wont stop calling my name

Calling my name up from the ashes.

..

oh, little girl.

2009-10-01T15:20:00.001-04:00

I feel extremely young today.
I feel as tho I'm just 'playing house'.
In this tiny little city in this precious little apartment.
With my job and my friends.

I woke up late curled up under the blankets.
I rummaged thru some clothes on the floor and threw my wavy curls up in a side bun
and headed out to find my car.
I had to park really far from my apt. last night because there was no spaces left.

I went for a drive and grabbed some vanilla chai on the way, listened to some good music, received a phone call from a good friend and made plans for tonight.

Now I sit here, with my chai and music playing as I think about what's really going on.
I know I question that often, "what's really going on?"

I think I've always wanted to know the answer to that.
Because so many times we are blind to Reality.

Why is this happening?
Why are they acting this way?
Where am I going?
What's the point or purpose in this?
Is it ok that I reacted that way?
Should I of said that?

Am I acknowledging the unseen?

There's so much going on behind the scenes.
Do we ever stop and try to look.
Do we want to really even know?

There's so many curtains to look behind,
so many doors to open.
Are we willing to open them all?

I heard them talking,
they wanted to send her to rehab.
But her mom said, no.
"I don't want to deal with my own demons."

How selfish.

We so easily want to see into other people's lives.
We think we know what's best for them.
We want to help them confront their own demons.

But have you even looked at yourself.
Honestly.

I want to give my best to someone.
And we can't do that if we are intimidated of what's going on in our own lives.

Why are we so afraid.
Why do we let fear hold us back?
What are you really scared of?
Are we willing to go that deep?

I am willing.
I do want to go that deep.
Bust thru the doors of the unknown and see what is going on.

These are things I think about often.
Am I being selfish in my own issues?
Am I holding someone else back from their true Freedom by my own fear of
not wanting to see what this could bring about in my life?

Does that even make sense?

I trust that Jesus knows me.
Thank God.
Because I often times feel like a jumbled mess of words and thoughts.
Do you ever feel that way too?

I am confident in His love for us.
& that beings me much comfort.

With everybody telling us how to act and what to think and who to believe.
I just want to know One thing.
And that's Him.

Until that day when He will reveal everything to everybody,
I'll love Him and serve others.
And try not to get in the way.

Even tho that sounds much easier said then done
I'll try my best.

We all deserve the best of each other.
He gave us life to live it fully.
Full.
to the overflowing brim of true Reality.

so let's live it.
To the best, the most healthy, to the full.

Get beat up by life, get worn out, give yourself fully in confidence
of Him dwelling inside you.

Go so deep that you're falling into the depths of the Unknown.
Because we are known by the Unknown.
and above all we are loved.
so there is no fear in it all.

Go as far to finally find the answer to,
What's really going on.

..

Where are you?

2009-09-19T20:08:00.002-04:00

You're suppose to be here tonight.
I'm a little angry but really I'm just stuck in a little pity party.

I made a poor attempt at hanging curtains in my apartment.
I bought all I needed, had to borrow an electric drill, got all my screws and tape measures and nails and whatever.

I talked with the man at Home Depot and he told me specifically that these screws are what I needed. I told him I didn't think that these were gonna work but he insisted that these were the right ones. I went ahead and trusted him.

Now I'm sitting on the floor of my living room with a giant hole in my wall, mascara stained cheeks, 2 screws still stuck in my wall and a drill that I never even got to start.

I thought I knew what I was doing. Because I've done everything on my own for awhile now. But I don't want to. I need your help and you're not here.

You could of helped me with the measurements. Told me they were a little crooked.
Stood on the chair while I sat on the counter telling you to move it a little to the left or right but no.
I had to stand on the chair myself and mark up my walls with a pencil trying to get it just right.

I shouldn't be mad at you. I'm not really mad at you right now. I'm just mad at this moment. And that if you were here it could of gone a lot better.

For all I know you're sitting on your living room floor wondering where I am as well.
I don't know. But I sure do wish you were here tonight.

For now I'll try to ask for help when I need it and somehow try and fix the hole in my wall.

I pray you're on your way here quickly.
Quickly as in the next few days. ha!
I can only hope.

Until the next curtain hanging fiasco in our new place,
I'll pray for you.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

your future wife.

..

Hurt.

2009-09-07T16:16:00.001-04:00

it has been so real.
The pain and hurt in my heart.
So real it was almost deafening to my body.

My reality was spinning faster and faster towards the ground.
The earth was standing still but nothing could stop what was happening.
Nightmares, sleepless nights, random bruises found on my body, puffy eyes, hungry belly.

So many things were/are coming against me.
Unforgiveness, betrayal, trust broken, confusion.
But all I felt was alone and hurt.

It all came to me yesterday morning.
These are just things.
just emotions.
just feelings.
just meaningless things.
They can seem so real.

None of this can truly hurt me.
Because none of those things can take Jesus away from me.
His love is more real to me then any earthly thing.

Yes, they can cause me pain but they cannot hurt me.
Because my life, my love, my hope is found in Jesus Christ.

You could burn all of my possessions and kill my father and mother.
Ruin my name in public, destroy everything I held dear, take friendships away, tell me I'm worth nothing, beat me, but in the resolve
that is within my heart I would forgive you.

Because all of those are just things.
My life and identity and hope is not in those people or places or possessions.
Yes, my heart would certainly be broken but
my reward is in Him.
My place is in Him.

He humbled himself and became obedient to death.
How could I not do the same.
For Him, for you.

How dare I not forgive you. How dare I hold an ounce of anger towards you.
How could I let these emotions rule my life.
When it is Him who orders my day.

Gold and riches I do not have but Jesus Christ I can give to you.
I have been forgiven for so much, I have been given grace and mercy
beyond my understanding.
Woe is me.

These trails and pain are just that.

But nothing can pull me away from the Love of this Man.
You cannot do that.
You cannot drag me to the depths of hell.
There is nothing you can do to hurt me.

I do not say this in strength or pride.
but in a broken humbled heart, knowing full well where I stand.

I feel like a frail little girl.
And these thoughts and emotions are a daily occurrence.
But I know the Truth.

And I choose Love over it all.
I choose forgiveness.
I choose life.

It's an everyday choice.

These are all leading us to Him.
These things, which in just a moment will mean nothing compared
to the surpassing greatness of Who He is, are just things.
These trails are the same.

And none of it can take us away from Him.
He is closer then He's ever been.

I may not feel like this everyday, but yet again it's a choice.
And I will continue to choose Love, to choose Him.
Fight thru the emotions of numbness and nothingness.
This is just temporary, for in just a moment I will be satisfied in His presence.

I am convinced that He is good.
Even in the mess of this life.

"Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way!
not trouble
not hard times
not hatred
not hunger
not homelessness
not bullying threats
not backstabbing
not even the worst sins listed in Scripture...

None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us.
I'm absolutely convinced that nothing
nothing living or dead
angelic or demonic
today or tomorrow
high or low
thinkable or unthinkable
absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us."

Romans 8:38-40 The Message.

..

God & Brownies.

2009-08-26T18:50:00.000-04:00

I feel like that could be the title to a book.
A few weekends ago I had a couple girls from my cabin at camp spend the night.

We had a full night. There was tons of laughing and a lot of talking.
Some tears but many reassuring words spoken.
We sat in a circle on the floor. We were huddling under blankets as they talked
about life after coming home from camp.

It had been difficult for most of them. They missed being in the cabin every night
talking about their day. They missed being surrounding by people who loved them.
But what they mostly missed was talking about God.
They missed feeling Him so close.

We discussed why we felt that when we experience God and then leave that certain place we sometimes feel like we are leaving Him there as well.

I looked around the room and my heart was so full. I felt so in tune with their hearts, their feelings, their thoughts. Understanding was so thick.
These are such little girls. They are so new to the world.
And some have already seen that the world doesn't care how old they are it will throw it's hardest punches as soon as it can.

We decided to make brownies. And without anyone really saying anything we all got on the counter. I have a huge island and a lot of counter space so we all fit.
So we mixed the brownies and all ate a few bites before we cooked them!

It was ridiculous but so funny. We were just being kids.

I thought in that moment that I bet Jesus was laughing.
I'm sure His heart was as full if not fuller then mine.

The morning came too soon. After they left I sat down and made them all journals of their own.
I wrote them each something on the first page:

I told them that if this is the purpose we are to serve, living life with each other, knowing Him and knowing each other, thinking, laughing, breaking rules...
then it is a purpose I am so grateful to be called to do.

We must respond to Him, girls.

A few days ago I was talking with one of them.
We were talking about life and it's meaning.
She laughed and said, "it's God and brownies."

What a crazy precious life I am living at the moment.
I am so grateful for this time in my life.
Feeling very humbled and extremely blessed.

God is so good.
so purposeful.
so right.
so Beautiful.
so true to His word.
so fun.

..

I want.

2009-08-24T03:39:00.001-04:00

I want to sleep beside an ocean tonight. I want to be more awake then I am. I want to see Love more clearly. I want to know that I am not alone. I want to get married. I want to hold a baby. I want to have more rings on my fingers. I want to speak right to your heart. I want to write and write and write. I want to birth dreams and beautiful thoughts into the world. I want to have homework. I want to see what's really going on. I want to cry so hard. I want to hear His voice. I want to run my fingers thru running water. I want to watch the sun rise on the highest rooftop in this city. I want to hang out with you. I want to know what's going on in your life. I want to see into your heart. I want to understand what I see. I want to be held. I want to be understood. I want to not have to explain myself. I want to work in a rehab center. I want to sleep under a bridge. I want to live in the depths of New York city. I want to run and never tire. I want to listen to music all day. I want to be wiser. I want to have the ability to heal hearts. I want to speak healing over others. I want to have millions upon millions of dollars and give it all away. I want nothing to do with gaining more possessions. I want pictures to cover my walls. I want to paint every day. I want time to no longer exist. I want to give myself completely to another person with no fear. I want to never question His calling on this life given to me. I want to seek and find. I want to truly see the depths of myself... maybe I don't. I want to break into a million pieces and go everywhere. I want to live in true freedom. I want to feel Him closer then I ever have. I want this ache to consume all of our souls. I want this ache to urge us to seek His face. I want to sleep peacefully. I want control. I want to be a sacrifice. I want to see more. I want to bring This closer to their hearts then ever before. I want to not be thought less of. I want for you to know that we are in this together. I want to simply live. I want to simply love. I want to simply come to Him.

I want to simply be.

..

There Was Blood Everywhere.

2009-08-14T23:16:00.001-04:00

I had a good morning.
Things were looking up in my little life.
We were laughing at work.
Then out of nowhere I wasn't paying attention and BAM
I felt the worst pain I've ever felt in my life.
I screamed and I saw blood everywhere.
I ran to the back and threw my hand under water.
When I saw a chunk of my finger fall back against the rush of water I burst into tears.
My employees were working fast to clean up all the blood.
Thankfully I work right across the street from an urgent care place.
We ran over there right as I felt light headed enough to want to pass out.

I wanted desperately not to get stitches, but seriously there was no question.
The pain came and went. They gave me some Novocaine and from there it was ok to handle.

The cool thing about this is that I sliced my left pointer finger, which I wear a ring that says FEAR NOT engraved on it. So every time I looked down at my finger I saw FEAR NOT. It gave me peace in the middle of the chaos.

********BELOW ARE GRAPHIC PICTURES*********
Proceed at your own risk.

The cut doesn't look bad in this photo. This is after we were able to stop the blood and able to connect my top skin with the bottom skin. The cut was extremely deep.

My little finger was so swollen from the pain meds.

I was proud of myself. I was able to watch the Dr. do the last stitch.

All done!

Hot pink, that's so hardcore.

..

Ragamuffin Girl.

2009-08-11T18:34:00.001-04:00

We are not perfect. No where near close.
I will not always say the right thing or point you in the right direction.
That is clearly not my intention but I am just a girl.
I say things I don't mean and hurt others with my actions.
You may lose faith in me, but my Father never will.
He has a plan and maybe this was part of it, I don't know.
But the thoughts in my heart and questions forming on my lips are bringing me closer to Truth.
So there is good coming from my hurt.

Sometimes I think we think that once we decide to follow this man, Jesus Christ, that
we will somehow be immune to temptation or distraction or sin.
But I tell you this is so not the Truth.

I read in this book once of a man who in his early twenties committed his life to Christ. He was whole heartily choosing to follow Him with everything.
A few years later the author of this book went back and found that this man had become an alcoholic. His first reaction was not of shock or surprise or disappointment. He was filled with love for him.
For he knew that he was going thru the trials of life.

Jesus never said life would be easy, or fun, or smooth sailing.
He said you will face trails of many kinds, you will be persecuted, you will cry and suffering will come often.
Mistakes will be made but I will never leave you, I will never forget you or throw you to the wolves of this world.

For My grace is sufficient for you.

Sometimes I write things that I still don't even understand.

I read this verse and felt a little more whole:
"And the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." -1 peter 5:10

Again I get to leave it up to Him.
He will restore me.
He will make me steadfast.
I don't have to work this thing back.
My willing heart is enough.
Praise Him.

Little by little each day I'm becoming more willing.
I think sometimes we resist Jesus out of fear.
Fear of condemnation. Fear of His disappointment.
Perfect love casts out all fear.
He is perfect and He is love.

We are all Ragamuffins.
Dirty street children wondering far from our Father's house.
Some of us are on the journey back home and some of us are still wandering.
Others have sat down on the side of the road, giving up on any hope of return.
Or even if we did get home, would He open the door and let us in?
Because we are so dirty, so filthy.

He has drawn the bath water.
He has invited us in.
He waits and prays for us to be washed clean.

(The following I did not write, even tho I wish I did. It has blessed me many times since I read it a year ago. I hope you are intrigued by her words.)

I sit here and ponder, how far have I wandered from the truth of love pure and sweet? Of what tree is this fruit I now eat? Some say it's of poison that I partake and it's for my own sake that my spirit they break with their words sharp as a sword.

I fight to ignore but these voices pierce to my core forcing me to ask questions of which answers I fear cause nothings clear so YOU tell ME what's for real! What I see..or what I feel? Cause what I feel is so blind.

Heart's detached from the mind. Mind's detached from the heart of me the part of me that won't allow me to see past your shadow here where I lie lost in wondering eyes. I am hypnotized by the slightest touch of your fingertips that softly linger round my lips forcing me to ponder, How far have I wandered?

I can't explain what he holds in his hand but like the wild it calls to me. Ravenously hungry, chasing bread I cannot eat and a cup that holds no drink. It's all an illusion.

I'm usin' my heart to think cause I'm losin' my mind and it's the next best thing! But what good is a heart that's been spread too thin and tainted by the fingerprints of too many men? Too many secrets undisclosed.

A heart fed by false hopes now left carelessly exposed is a compromised treasure whose pain cannot be measured. And the same hands that did uncover leave it alone and unclothed.

I've wandered so far that from where I stand I still can't tell what he held in his hand that would cause me to build upon shifting sand cause me to falter and forfeit my land. See, how often I find myself looking to man rather than my Creator to define who I am!

And HE watches in jealousy as endlessly I search for intimacy in vain because..I suppose it seems easier to attain. In attempt to cover my own nakedness so afraid to be exposed, I am clothed in shame. But, these garments are not mine and they must not, will not, shall not remain!

Oh, how far have I wandered and who shall lead me home?! Who shall restore my sight and who shall feed my soul?! For the touch of the Master will I lie and wait like the sand for the sea longing for his water to wash over me.

If just for a moment I'll soak him in till the return of his tide oh how long has it been since I knelt at your feet, entirely consumed? No walls.. no defenses.. just me and my wounds.

Here where your arms are outstretched and you hold in your hands something far deeper than I could ever understand something so wide it's always where I am, No matter where I fall it's always where I land.

And however far I've strayed, I know I'll find my place at the foot of a tree where blood was not spilled but rather poured out free.

so Lord pour over me calling me back from this place where I've wandered to the place where we meet No longer to roam, it's just us..and then I'll know that I am home.
-Oraia

..

In A Month.

2009-08-10T00:01:00.000-04:00

A lot can happen in one month.
A lot can happen in an hour to say the least.
And I have so much to tell you, but many words aren't coming to the surface tonight.

I feel like I could either write little on here. No details just facts
or I could spill my heart and this could end up being the longest blog post I have
ever posted.
I'm still debating on what to do.

YoungLife camp was incredible.
There were many tears and many hearts turned toward Christ.
It was really hard at the beginning.
Many of the girls in my camp were bitter towards Love.
Which I don't blame them.
We shared our 'worst days.'
Many tears were shed and I felt helpless in my attempt to soothe hearts
and open eyes to true Love.
But God always shows up when I least expect it.
Two of my girls were baptized on my birthday, which was the best birthday
present anyone could of given me.
It was so precious and beautiful.

While at camp many kids came down extremely sick.
I was one of them.
When we got home I went to the hospital.
They thought it was Swine Flu and the doctors were very concerned.
It was not, I just had bronchitis.
Because of that I was out of work for the rest of July.
I laid in bed for a whole week, only getting up to use the restroom.

But during those long days in bed with no TV it caused me to think about a lot.
And a lot of things came up in my heart and mind.
Things I didn't want to deal with at the moment.
A lot of questions and concerns I've had for a while.
I'm having a really hard time truly trusting in Grace.

I think I'm angry.
Because for the first time in my life I feel totally and completely helpless.
I'm mad because there is nothing I can do about it.
Like truly, does anyone else feel this way?
We are saved by Grace, no matter what the hell I do, to hinder or help my relationship with Christ I am saved by grace.
It's not up to me.

And I knew this, I thought I did.
But this truth is hitting me so hard I honestly don't know how to handle this.
This past week has been so difficult and different for me.
I'm thinking thoughts I didn't know I could think and saying things
I thought I'd never say.

I feel wounded.
A wounded little girl.

I am resisting Him at the moment.
Because I feel so out of line.
So helpless, so not in control.
And control was something I thought I didn't struggle with.
But we think a lot of things that aren't even true.

I am in need of Jesus.
Of His touch, His healing words.
His kiss upon my forehead.
I need to be held.

I had myself fooled.
Fooled into thinking I had it all together.
Things were ok.
But they are not.
There is a lot of healing and understanding and anger to be soothed.

If anything I know thru this right now is that Jesus is faithful.
And He keeps His word.
back in February I felt Him telling me I was in a season of Grace.
I didn't know what that meant at the time.
He has been gentle in revealing this to me.
And this gentleness has been so incredible.

I think the thing I am angry about is that I feel awful.
Awful for what I've done.
I sit here yelling, begging to be punished for my sins.
And He sits before me and whispers, "no."
Please yell at me, take something from me, curse me with pain or sickness.
I don't deserve to go free. I don't deserve this gentle Love.

I would feel better if I did something to make up for my life.
For the sins I've committed.

My heart is full of pain and You wash it whole.
My thoughts are full of confusion and You set everything at peace.
I don't understand You.
I don't understand this Love.
This Peace, this Wholeness.
This Gentleness, this Care.

It sounds insane.
Why shouldn't I just accept this gift.
This perfect whole gift.

Jesus washes away insanity with peace.
I'm just in the middle of being washed right now.
Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in the water.
But His hand is always holding me up.

I've been so unfaithful.
So flaky, so doubtful, panic stricken.
Bitter and unsure.
Yet He remains calm and solid.

I still feel weak physically, emotionally and spiritually.
I feel beaten down and tired of crying.
Most mornings I feel like throwing up and not getting out of bed.
I don't know what's going to come of this.

Things seem so unstable and uncertainty runs around.
In my helplessness I have to try and trust.
As hard as it is right now.

I pray this post finds you well.
And if it doesn't I pray for you to find the Well that runs so deep.
There is peace and hope and love for the dirty and broken and heavy-hearted.

..

Life in Pictures.

2009-08-10T00:00:00.000-04:00

brother.

brother & dad.

mom & I.

beautiful friends.

one of my girls and I at the top of the mountain.

we were the "Nuns with Guns"

happy birthday to me!
they decorated my bed.

after screaming 'happy birthday' to me right at midnight!

friends.

hanging out at starbucks.

..

Seconds.

2009-07-11T20:14:00.000-04:00

I honestly have just seconds to write this post.
My bags are packed and I'm ready to hit the road.

No, I'm not moving again.. ha!

I'm headed to Young Life camp with the kids and other leaders.
I'll be gone for a little over a week.
No internest access there but I will definitely write soon when I get home.
And with lots of pictures.

I'll be gone over my birthday too... JULY 18TH.
:]

Pray for the leaders and kids as we head into this week.
My greatest hope is that many hearts find rest in Jesus this week.
That they feel His forgiveness and redemption.
That's all that matters.

Pray that His love will burst thru me to this kids.

I hope this finds you well and at peace.
I will be home soon.

..

Unpack.

2009-07-04T02:39:00.000-04:00

Even tho I know I'm staying in this place for a long time I feel
this sick uneasy feeling of trying to figure out my next move.
I have to keep reminding myself that I can relax.
I can unpack. I can settle down.

Which is crazy to me at the moment.

The new apartment is calm and peaceful.
There is so much room for everything.

Many times a day I cry out in thankfulness.
It still hasn't hit me.

Do you ever have days or moments where you can literally feel the smile of God?
Like you can feel Him smiling at you?

Tonight I feel that.

It's been a crazy whirlwind of the past 8 months.
But I survived, I'm alive and here I am sitting on the floor of my empty
living room.

I'm hopeful for what tomorrow brings.
My family is coming to visit for the week.
They will see my life here, which I am most excited about.
I hope they will be proud of me.
I still feel like a small child a lot of the time.
I feel like I'm just a kid trying to figure this whole life thing out.

But I am hopeful.
Hopeful about the future.
And this blessed little house in the city.
I'm finally able to unpack.. my things, my heart.

I see good things ahead.
Even in the tragic moments that surround us daily,
I see hope and it's a good thing.

..

6th Time's the Charm Right?

2009-06-25T13:32:00.000-04:00

It's been so hard not having internet connection at the place I'm staying.
But that will change soon because I am moving yet again.

And this time it's into my own apartment!!
I am so relieved and excited to actually have a place.
To finally unload my car and stop living out of suitcases.

[which I love doing honestly, all your stuff ready to go at a moment's notice]

but it will be so nice to sleep in a bed in a room knowing that it's mine.
And I can finally decorate! Bring out all my photos and frames.
I'm so looking forward to having the kids from Young Life come over and chill.
That's what I think I'm most excited about.
Being able to have a place for the kids to hang out.
Where they feel safe and know Jesus is there.

This whole thing has been a huge blessing.
It brings tears to my eyes seeing how it's all been provided.

This past year of my life things have definitely been extremely tight.
I haven't always had money but I have always had my needs met and even then some.
And I seriously don't know how any of it happened, looking back on it now.
Except that God is not a liar. He is a provider.
He is a good, good Father.

If He brings you somewhere He will give you what you need.
You only must trust.
Even until the last minute.
Which is by far the hardest.

We, my friend & I, move in next week.
So I will be out of internet until then.
But that's totally ok with me.

This past year of no sleep, no home, no consistent job [until now] no family, etc
has been extremely difficult but so rewarding.
So beautiful.
I have met amazing people living for Jesus.
Experienced things most people my age do not.

I am so grateful.
Thankful and humbled.

But the craziness will not stop.

Since I have lived basically out of my car this past year all I have is clothes.
I do have a bed that was generously given to me, but besides that I have nothing.

I need basics like:
towels,
full size bed sheets,
Plates, bowls, cups, silverware etc.

I love decorating things with the word Love or something with scripture.
I'd say I'm more modern with my style, definitely not really pink and girly.
I take most of my photos that I put up.

I thought I'd just put that out there because you cannot receive if you do not ask.

Probably because in some ways I'm still just a kid and naive but I had no idea
how much it would cost for all the start ups with an apartment.

The crazy thing about this is that we move in next week,
my family is coming for 5 days two days after I move,
and I leave the day after my family leaves to head to Young Life camp
for 11 days.
So all in all I will only be at the apartment a total of about 10 days for July.
Which means I will be losing 11 plus days of work making money.

I'm a little nervous about that.
But I completely trust God will provide.
I mean why would He back out now after all of this?

It's gonna be a crazy month of July but I'm so looking forward to it.
My birthday is coming up as well!!!
Which I am super pumped about! haha.

I remember telling God one time that I think I've come to the point in my life
where it doesn't matter what's happening, where I'm headed, how uncertain the outlook
is, I trust that He knows what He's doing with this life I've been given.

Because up to now He has been there.
Only because I have asked Him to be.
We have a relationship, not just a one side deal.
We talk, we laugh, we cry, I trust Him.

So many of us are angry at Him, questioning how you could let this happen?
God where are you??
They're angry that He 'didn't show up.'

I even yelled those a few times.

But why would He if you've never asked Him?
If you've never acknowledged Him up until that point?
If you just expected Him to show up because things got bad.
Yes, He is close to the brokenhearted.
He just does not force Himself into any one's life.
Just some questions to think about, that I think about.

He wants a relationship not a counseling job with you.
Coming to Him once a week tell Him your problems and expect Him to fix it, make it better.
What is that?

His heart is for you.
Yours just needs to be for Him as well.

I'm excited and expectant for what's to come.
I pray you are doing well.
Oh blessed reader of this.

..

you, Him.

2009-06-13T21:04:00.000-04:00

The internet is cutting in and out tonight.
My computer is being a bit slow.

I'm sitting in the coffee shop earphones in, writing away.
Every time I come I order an Iced Chai.
It kills my stomach but I dislike coffee and the taste of espresso.

They recognize me now, since I come at least twice a week.
I stay for at about 2 hours and just drink, listen and write.
I wonder what they think of me honestly.

Have you ever wondered that you could be the mystery?
You could be the one people are interested to know.
You are the thing that simply amazes someone?
You are the one they talk about in a curious way.
You cause others to question.

Instead of seeing others in that way.. they see you in the same.

You were created to cause explosions when you walk into the room.
Your presence causes them to listen to the sweet silence.
Your voice brings calm.
Your touch soothes.
Your ideas shake traditions.
Your prayers shake nations.

If only you knew I was talking about you.
If only you could see how you're looked at with such wonder.
Such anticipated excitement to see what you will do next.
Your next breath brings you closer, closer then you dare to know.

Your shapes and lines dance in light as air rushes to breathe you in.

You are what we are waiting for.
You are the mystery.
Your beginning broke the chain and end lies in wait.

You were given this life.
You were given this place.
You were given so much.

They are watching and waiting.

Realize Who is inside.
Realize What is moving in the depths of you.

Don't be afraid.
Don't shy away.

You are a magnificent being.
Created to breath out life and be the mystery.

Stop dying.
Stop living for you.

Start living for the You inside.

You were birthed to see.
See that there is more.
More to you, more to the mundane.

The mystery of You awaits.

I've found that when I try to figure out this mystery I find that it's really true.

It's really true that Life does exist.
I find the answers.
I find the purpose.
I find the meaning of day to day.
I find the good in suffering.
I find the joy of waiting in rushed times.
I find the peace in chaos.
I find the love I've been breaking for.

The roar of the holy rumblings in my belly to soothe the frustration of [my]self.
To know that it's never been about me but You.

The mystery inside you is.....

Him.

..

Thoughts Tonight.

2009-06-13T21:03:00.001-04:00

I'm so tired tonight.
So very tired.
Like running on less then two hours of sleep tired.

But I had a sweet moment last night.
It was going on 2:15 a.m. and I had to be up in less then 90 minutes.
I was worried and stressed knowing the full 13 hour day I had ahead of me.

I cried out to Jesus.
Tears came to my eyes quickly and I asked for Him to hold me.
I sang to Him and softly cried myself to sleep.

I awoke this morning right on time and felt good.
[satisfy us in the morning with Your unfailing love... psalm 90:14]
More awake then most nights going on 90 minutes of sleep.
I immediately thanked Him.

Oh how precious He is to me.
I pray I remember that night.

I am completely blown away and humbled that people actually read my blog.
I was reading the comments on my last post and was just amazed.

I will be getting in contact with you and letting you know more soon.
Thank you! Seriously.

Also, anyone else who is interested or wants a postcard often let me know.
I would love to get to know whoever is stopping by here.

I love the city at night.
Lights flashing, cars driving.
This part of the world is going to sleep.
I'm looking out the window of the cafe' right now watching the cars drive by.

I'm going to head out.
A friend awaits and then sleep.
And hopefully good, restful sleep.

goodnight.
..

New Things, Postcards, Questions.

2009-06-05T17:57:00.000-04:00

I flew back and hit the ground running.
I got a 2nd job and with that have been working 12-13 hour days.
Young Life has stopped for the summer.
But we we're still hanging out with kids, getting ready to head to camp in July.
I moved twice again in the last two months.
That's six times I've moved within the last 6 months.
And the place I'm currently living at doesn't have internet,
so I've been a frequent costumer at this little coffee shop in town to hook up to their wifi.

I'm exhausted.
And I've heard it said that faith flys out the window when you're tired.
And sadly, that statement is so true.

You become so tired it almost doesn't matter anymore.
You just want to sleep.
You become angry. You want others to stop bothering you.
You're too tired to pray. You begin to doubt.
You want life to just stop for a moment.
I need to catch up.
I need to sleep for more then 4 hours at a time.
I need a massage.
Ok, I want a massage.

But there are awesome things coming up.
For one, something that I have played with in my mind for awhile
and now that I checked it out I really think I'm going to dive into it.
I just need to set aside a weekend to get it started....
I am going to publish a book.

Nothing big but something that I think will be beneficial to all.
It will be a book complied with most of my posts, private written journal entries, my photography, old posts from a blog I had in high school, songs that have really moved/changed who I am.

I will be selling them soon.
Hopefully by the beginning of July, but there are no promises.
Please let me know if you would be interested.
Any suggestions, comments, ideas would be greatly appreciated and welcomed.

Also, I am going to start writing post cards to those who would want to receive them.
It'll be short clips of what's going on day to day with life here.
What Young Life is up to, encouraging words, uplifting stories, thoughts to think about, prayers to you for that day etc.
I don't have to know you but I would like to write you in person.
Leave your address or email in a comment and we will exchange information.

I hope you're doing well.
Let me know how you are.
I want to know you.
You are important.
For real.

Sometimes I even forget that.
I was standing in line to get something to eat the other day and this overwhelming voice came to me as I watched this busy lobby fill with more and more people...

I wanted them born.

I was taken back by the solidness of the statement.
The Truth that was so huge to take hold of but so simple to understand.
He wanted you here.

And there are so many of us.
So many of us wanted by Him.
His love must be great, to lavish it on all of us.
Sometimes things are too big for me to see.
like Love...

it's too big for us to see.

Like the wind.
It moves with great force and we see it's affects but rarely do we ever question
it's existence.

Why do we question Love's?

Just some thoughts I'm processing thru at this moment.

Leave some thoughts you're processing thru, or questions or anything to get a conversation started or to make a statement.

I'm headed home for now.
Hopefully to sleep.

..

Nothing Like.

2009-05-22T11:33:00.000-04:00

I am home.
For just a moment.

I have so much to say right now.
But I don't feel like I need to write them.
I feel like they have already been heard.
Not on earth but up in the realms of the holies.

I am so grateful for this life given me.
There is so much I do not deserve.
I still don't understand a lot.
There is still a lot to be discovered.
There are still many things to overcome.
Things to face down and victories to be won.

But right now I am a child in my parent's house.
A sister to my brother. A friend to the friendless.
An important part of this family.
A designed component to this world.
A lover of Jesus.

so this weekend I will take pictures, laugh loudly,
give and receive love and etch this moment in my heart for a long time.

Because, right now, this is all we have.

..

I love.

2009-05-10T13:40:00.001-04:00

This beautiful girl is my Mom.

I love that I look like her.
I love that she's my mom.
I love that she loves Jesus.
I love that she is kind.
I love that she is merciful.
I love that she is understanding.
I love that she trys to understand me when I'm not making sense.
I love that even tho we disagree she still loves me & answers me softly.
I love that she answers my calls when she's at work.
I love that she asks, "how can I help you?" even tho I'm a thousand miles away.
I love that she crys easily.
I love to hear that she wanted me born.
I love that we laugh when we're together.
I love that she's not only my mom but a friend.

..

Somehow.

2009-05-03T03:04:00.000-04:00

I recently just woke up.
I fell asleep at 7:30pm.
& I feel extremely at peace.

This is a miracle.

The past few weeks have been a struggle.
No sleep, no rest, no calm, no time to think.
Always thinking, always on the go, always always always...

I wake up in the morning and my body is sore, my muscles ache.
My eyes are so heavy all the time.

The 'feeling' of numbness has still lingered the past few days.
Until tonight.

I didn't even mean to fall asleep that early tonight.
I was on my computer and then the next thing I know I'm waking up.
The house is quiet and the song Dark but Lovely by Sarah Edwards* is playing.
I feel in the middle of resting and deep sleep.
But mostly I feel overwhelming peace.

I feel precious and tiny. You know that feeling of being so unnoticed but incredibly significant at the same time?
I feel comfort.
I feel surrounded.
I feel rest coming.

I feel Jesus.

I believe that He woke me up just to tell me He's here.
He's come to bring rest and comfort. To bring my heart peace.

but I really believe that I'm suppose to tell you He wants to bring you peace.
He wants to be with you.
It doesn't matter what's going on.
It only matters how you respond to Him in this moment.

I want to capture this moment forever, being in the company of Him.

Life is hard. But this is easy.
Resting in Him. Nothing else matters right now.

You've been thru so much. You've endured heartache and trouble.
Rest now, quiet down. Feel Him move in and wash away the wreckage.

Drown me now Lord in this moment in my room.
Soak me in Your presence.

*This God who is holy, perfect in beauty.
Awesome in glory, is ravished but my heart.

Though I’m poor you say I am lovely
Though I’m dark you say I am beautiful

Somehow my weak glance has overwhelmed You
And somehow my weak love it has stolen away Your heart.

..

Numb.

2009-04-16T15:46:00.000-04:00

I'm going to be really honest.
I believe that the days we are living in should urge us to be more open about
this life with Jesus.
The ups the downs. The glories and heartaches.

I've been in rare form the last few days.
I feel completely devoid of all emotion.
I don't feel good or bad, calm or stressed.
I laugh but I don't feel joy.
I cry but I don't feel sadness.
People ask me how I'm doing, if I'm ok.
I don't have an answer. I can't describe it.

I pray and no words come.
I end up repeating myself most of the time.
I feel like I'm making no impact.
That in some way because I'm not reacting or feeling life around me that I'm failing.

I know that's not the truth, it's just how I'm feeling.
But surprisingly I feel nothing at the moment.

The other day I wanted to get drunk.
I was tempted with the thought to just feel something,
to check out for just a moment.
I wanted to alter the way I was seeing things for just a moment.
I did not go thru with it.
It would just be covering up what's really going on.
It would be a cop out.
Life's too precious to throw in things like that.

I know I've struggled with that before.
To want to check out. To either make yourself feel something
or feeling nothing at all.

It's funny how we base life on all these emotions and feelings.
If it feels good it must be good, or if someone makes you feel joy you love them more.
I don't understand why we do this?
Maybe we don't understand True Reality.
We try to create life around us with feelings and emotions and when they are gone..
so is life.

I have not lost my hope or my faith in Jesus Christ.
I trust Him with whatever is going on in my life,
because I clearly have no clue right now.
It can just get hard sometimes.

Life can make you numb.
Situations can rip your heart out.
You can feel like everything is out of control.
I am not depressed. I am grateful for my life.
I am glad I am alive today.

I'll keep living life until something changes.
I'm not sure when or what's going to change tho.
I know God is holding me.
Even tho I feel far far away from any comforting presence.

..

Gypsy Girl.

2009-04-05T19:15:00.000-04:00

Here I am again.
In the middle of boxes, piles of clothes and packed away photos.
This will be the third time I've moved within the last five months.
Most of my stuff just stays in the trunk of my car anyway.

Within the last few weeks I believe I've experienced the love of the church more then I ever have before. I was in need and people stepped up and comforted and
offered homes for me to stay, places for me to come and relax.
I am taken back by the love of many.

I was hungry and You fed me, I was homeless and You covered me, I was alone and You comforted me.

I am overwhelmed at the provision of God in my life.
Seriously.
Man... all I've been doing lately is crying.
Crying because of joy, of heartache, of worries, of desperation, of goodness being poured out upon me.

And when I see all these things coming together and these moments being placed before me I am shaken to the core.
I realize I do not deserve any of this.. who am I to live this life?
Grace is flowing heavy in my spirit.

I'm stepping into a new season in my life.
One filled with war and fighting for freedom.
I covet your prayers for me the next few months.

I had a dream a few nights back.
It was intense and full of terror and uncertainty.
But in my dream I had a vision and I saw people praying for me.
I was reassured and filled with hope. I'll be ok.
I will walk forward in confidence.

I surrender everything and told Him I'd trust Him.
Do you realize how nerve wrecking it is to pray that?
but I do trust that He will provide, He will lead me down the best path for my life,
I am sure of that.

My passion is becoming the Kingdom and those invited to share in it's goodness.
That means you.

What a lovely mystery this life is....
A life I feel grateful to give away.

..

Breakfast By The Sea.

2009-03-23T00:20:00.001-04:00

It had been the worst week of my life.
Constant thoughts of the tragedy that had happened only a few days ago.
I began thinking to myself when was this going to end?
When was the pain in my soul going to stop?
The thoughts and questions and images kept flashing before me.
I couldn't sleep or eat or let alone talk without tears pouring down my face.

I told them I didn't know Him.
I fought them off with my words, those bloody words that let Him die.
I told Him I loved Him, I told Him I'd never leave.
He was my friend, He was my life.

I watched as they took Him away from us.
I was a talker and could hardly ever be at a loss for words but that day I don't remember saying anything.
Except, "No."
3 times I said No and said them with such force that I wanted to mean it.
I was wrecked with guilt. Shame was so heavy it was hard to breathe.

Then they slaughtered Him. Beat Him almost to death but instead hung Him humiliatingly in front of the city while half of them laughed and the others was overcome with silence.
I didn't sleep at all that night.
I didn't pray, I didn't want to think.
I just wanted one more minute with Him.
One more chance to tell Him I was so deeply sorry.
Oh my heart hurt so bad I wanted to die.

The agony I felt as the weekend went on was unbearable.
My closest friends and I were together a lot that weekend.
No one really said anything. We didn't know how to ease the pain in our own hearts let alone an other's.

I decided to go fishing, my friends joined me.
I wanted to try to get back to life as normal.
[If there was ever going to be a normal after this]
I sat in the back of the boat with my eyes closed.
I didn't want to be there. I just wanted to see Him again.
We weren't catching any fish that entire day. I didn't care.
We slept that night at sea. In the morning, still no fish.

It was still the early morning when off in the distance I heard a voice.
There stood a man on the shore. He asked us if we had caught any fish.
We replied, "No."
No, I began to almost hate that word.
That man told us throw the net over again.
I continued to sit there was heavy eyes when one of my friends whispered,
"It's Him!"
I jump up and there He was standing alone on the shore.
My heart raced and I immediately dove into the water.
I didn't know what I would say when I got there I just wanted to be with Him.

I reached the shore when our eyes met. His eyes were the clearest I had ever seen.
So deep and solid. My eyes filled with tears but I couldn't bring myself to speak a word.

He built a fire on the shore and with the fish we caught He made us breakfast.
We sat and ate in quiet. No one wanted to question what was happening.
We had just witnessed His horrific death and now a few days later here He was eating fish with us.
I felt ashamed as if the word guilty was tattooed across my forehead for everyone to see.

After breakfast He looked over at me. I became tense waiting to hear what He had to say.
He asked me, "Do you love me?"
My heart screamed inside YES! And I responded with, "Yes, you know I love you.
He asked me again and I again responded with the same thing.
The third time when He asked I was saddened.
Then I realized He what He was trying to show me.

He knows I love Him, but did I love Him the way He loved me?
Would I literally lay my life down for Him as He did for me?
In my heart I knew the answer.

I used to always be quick with my words.
His teaching and sayings would create such a passion within me that I would spout off promises left and right.
"I will never betray you!"
"I could never walk out on you."
"I will always follow you!"
"You are the Son of God!"

But then I began to think. Did I really mean those things or was I just caught up in the excitement of the adventure and passion of the moment?

When He asked me the third time if I loved Him I responded with,
"You know all things and You know that I love You."
He knew my heart, He saw all the things I struggled with.
I trusted Him. He knew I loved Him.

He softly smiled and patted my shoulder.
A warm calm flooded my heart.
He began talking with the others has I kept thinking.
He loves me and I love Him but I realized that I would never be able to love Him the way that He loves me.
When He said things to me He meant them.
Not in the,'yeah I mean them'
but in the, 'I will go to death for the things I promise you.'

There was a difference. A difference I didn't see until now.
He commands me to love like He does.
And for the first time that day I truly promised Him I would.
Since that day I understood.

I still go back to that same beach late at night and wait for the sun to rise.
I think about the breakfast He made us and the things He taught me in that short talk we had.

I will never forget it. That day when He showed me His grace.
I am a humble and free man but a slave for His grace.
For I can do nothing by my will alone, only with His grace.

John 21.

..

Perspectives.

2009-03-19T10:56:00.000-04:00

I came home from work and crashed on the bed, I fell asleep on accident.
I get a phone call from my mom later that evening waking me up.
She told me to call her back.

I sent this email to her late last night:

Hey Mom,
Sorry I didn't call you back tonight.
Tomorrow I have the day off.
I have to get my oil changed and clean out my car and hopefully find my checks!
But I went ahead and sent you the money this afternoon, it's in cash.
Also, I just wanted to let you know that I spent last night in the ER with a mild sprain to my back.
Thankfully it wasn't broken just injured from when I had to jump out of the second story window when my joint caught my room on fire after I fell asleep smoking this afternoon.
Luckily the baby wasn't harmed in all the craziness. Yes, I'm pregnant. By whom, I'm not sure. That's beside the point.
Actually none of that is true, I was really pulled over today because I was speeding.
By the grace of God I was set free with just a warning.
[I think it was all the tears and the horror story I told him about my life that gave him sympathy towards me]
So I don't know if there is going to be a letter sent to the house stating that I was stopped by the Po Po today or not.
If it is you have my permission to rip it up :]

Umm.. don't be mad?

I LOVEYOU!

I get this email from her this morning:

oh my! -ok, The one thing that shocked me the most is that you sent cash in the mail!!....

It's nice to know she has her priority's straight when it comes to me.
haha!

..

Timing Is Everything.

2009-03-16T11:56:00.000-04:00

I feel like I've been doing this my whole life......
Waiting.

For what I'm not exactly sure.. but I could make a few good guesses.

The modeling audition went amazingly well.
I did a commercial for Laughing Cow cream cheese and had to show them my runway walk.
I felt completely confident and so much at peace.
I was the tallest girl there in my flats.
I had no doubt in my mind that they were going to call me back.
And when they did call me back I was shaking with excitement.

It all came down too quickly.
There were a lot of things to take into consideration.
A lot to think about... and a lot of hard things to hear.
I kept praying, kept listening for His voice.

Wait.

I've been told wait before. Too many times then I can remember.
So wait I will.
But as I do recall the other times I've been told to wait... the thing I ended up waiting for was turned into this life changing experience.

Even though I want this so badly, I see visions of myself doing this...
I'll wait because I've learned to trust in His timing.
It's been a long road to learn to trust in timing but it has never failed me.

ahh... New York, L.A. you'll have to wait.
But I'll see you soon enough.

..

Proverbs 19:21

2009-03-14T11:32:00.000-04:00

In a couple of hours I'm headed downtown for my first modeling audition...
Of all the things I thought I'd be doing with my life,
this was the least of them.

..

Even In The Little Things.

2009-03-12T00:38:00.002-04:00

I stepped foot in this state and war was immediately declared.
Little did I know, of course.

I was talking with a good friend the other night. I was telling him what's been going on the last few weeks. He let out a laugh and said,
"It's crazy how much you are being tested. Ever since you moved here it's test after test after test."
I felt relief when he spoke that, finally someone else sees what's happening.
I'm not just going crazy or being a baby, I'm being pulled thru the ringer.

Today I was in rare form.
It was a hectic morning with down pouring rain and mean co-workers.
Many things weighed heavily on my mind as I ran errands this afternoon.
In an earlier conversation I felt like I wasn't being heard or even listened to.
There were a few situations where I felt completely helpless and overwhelmed.
It was as if life was rushing in on all sides and I had nothing to grab a hold of.

I get a phone call in the middle of this and I unleash the emotions building in my little heart.
My voice gets louder and louder as I recount the past weeks and the situations and the frustrations and it all just became too much.
Telling them if this is one big test I'm in then I failed miserably.
They listen and understand and give wisdom and tell me to pray.
My phone dies in the conversation. I look up in the mirror and all I could say was, "God, please."

I was still in the car so I got out and ran my last few errands.
I felt raw and sad. I wanted to get something good to eat, go home, watch a movie and sleep.
I was debating about getting something to eat because I was running low on cash.
I went ahead & popped into Chipotle. The line was long and it was hard to hear the people behind the counter.
I order my burrito of goodness and saw that the guy at the register was one of my regular costumers at Starbucks.
I must of looked like a hot mess because he looked at me with concerned eyes.
He smiled and handed me my food without charging me.

I was taken back. Wait.. what?
Tears swirled in my eyes as I walked out the door to my car.

Don't you see how much I love you? I will always provide for you, even in the little things. Do not worry, I am here. It's going to be alright.

He is here.
Always here.
My heart is at rest.

..

We're taking over Facebook!

2009-03-02T00:08:00.000-05:00

In the past week my grandpa, numerous aunts and uncles and a lot of my cousins joined Facebook.
It's cool to see everyone but there's so many of us!

////////

I'm running on about 80 minutes of sleep.
It's been a crazy busy weekend.
Threw together a last minute surprise birthday party on Saturday night then turned right around and helped with another surprise party Sunday.

Fixed a broken toilet.
Was locked out of the apartment where we were suppose to have the party.
Met a young girl who was kicked out of her house and had phone turned off.
She had tears in her eyes when I spoke with her.
I gave her my number, I haven't seen her since.
The heater in the apartment we were locked out of was broken.
It was 21 degrees outside, 59 degrees inside.
We slept with bath towels wrapped around our feet because it was so cold.
I totally ate my weight in food this weekend. Not...even...joking.
I have to wake up in less then 4 hours for work tomorrow.
I have a few posts brewing in my head that will be typed out soon.
I think that dreams really mean something.
And I've had some pretty tough ones lately..

Also, last Monday's talk went extremely well.
The Holy Spirit completely used me.
It was awesome. Thank you to those who prayed!
A post on what I actually spoke about will be typed out soon as well.

Thanks again for reading my blog.
I'm so grateful.

hahaha...
there's more where this came from...

goodnight.

..

But by the grace of God, I am what I am.

2009-02-23T17:16:00.000-05:00

I gave you my heart in exchange for a brand new start.
Lord then you made me clean and set my apart.
You see I was in the dark but He's the bright and morning star.
Oh with Your amazing grace You put a smile on my face.
Died on a cross but He rose again, dipped me in His blood and washed away my sins.

I will always remember that morning. I was 19 years old.
I was angry and wanted absolutely nothing to do with 'love'.
I had had enough run-ins with 'love' that I cynically laughed when people talked about it.
I was writing in my journal sitting at the table in my dorm room.
I started writing about Jesus' love. I had always believed in it but never believed it for myself.
Yeah, love was for everyone BUT me.

And then it happened as soon as I started writing. This overwhelming joy & confidence flooded over me.
I was laughing and my hands were shaking I had to stop writing.
In that moment I felt loved. I knew Jesus was ripping open heaven and drowning me in His love.

After I stopped laughing I was in shock. My heart was pierced.
I felt a huge rush of purpose in my life.

I will forever proclaim Your Love.
I will forever live for this very person, Love.
I will never give up on Love.

3 years since then I have not stopped.
It's been the hardest 3 years of my life.
But Love has always won.

The 'rewards' here on earth are few.
My heart has certainly been ripped apart more times then I care to count.
But that's the risk you take in living such a vulnerable life.

I will give ANYTHING for you to feel this Love.
To experience Love in its purest form is a life changing event.
Yes, I stumble and still doubt when all I see is darkness.
But I have to remind myself of this purpose.
This purpose that saved my life.

TO LOVE.

Tonight as I speak to that room full of kids I might get choked up.
I might even stand with tears streaming down my face.
But I do not care.
Love breaks my heart. It causes me to cry tears of humbleness and joy.

At the end of my talk I'll be playing this video.
I pray it has full effect on the hearts of these kids.

..

He Kissed Her Scar.

2009-02-14T22:12:00.002-05:00

I sat with tight hands and hopeful thoughts as I watched Slumdog Millionaire.
The story kept me engaged the entire time.
My heart broke and anger flooded over me at times.
I was angered at the sheer injustice that was handed this precious boy.
But also aching at the massive turmoil he experienced at such a tender age.

During his life he became friends with another slum girl. They lost connection more times then you could imagine but were somehow always brought back together.
He had such faith when life and other undeserved circumstances split them apart that they would be together again.
Every time his faith won.

Throughout each of their lives they endured immense scars, mostly emotional.
But the slum girl received a physical scar on her cheek by a knife from her tormentors.

At the end of the movie when he sees her again she runs to her with tear filled eyes, grabs her face leans in & kisses her scar.
At that moment all the memories of their lives come rushing back to them in a scramble of hurt filled scenes.
But as he kissed her scar it was all WORTH IT.

And it all hit me tonight.
Being alone on this potentially hurtful holiday.
Every one's inner dream is captured in that one moment.
We all want our scars kissed, we want to be told our hurts are acknowledged and seen.
We beg to be healed even if we never actually speak the words.

I cannot wait for that day when it's just me and Jesus.
He will see everything about me. My mistakes, my failures, my victories with Him, my shames, my awesome times and guilt. He will see it all.
But then after all those are taken care of I believe that He will lean in, with tear filled eyes and kiss my scars.
Not only the visible ones but the dark deep ones.
The ones few if any know about. And in that moment every one of my tears will be wiped away. Every one of my aches will be soothed.

What a day that will be.
Now as we go on thru life with victories and freedoms and new scars formed and old ones slowly being healed, remember that day is near.
Our heart aches will be justified. Our pain will be wiped away.
& we will learn that IT WAS ALL WORTH IT.

..

One of those days.

2009-02-08T23:40:00.005-05:00

I wish you could hear this song I'm listening to right now.
It's been helping to soothe my heart all day.

I'm lost
oh more and more of You
this bread You gave,
You have taken all away
oh that You steal my heart
oh that You would capture me
oh that I would give my all
hold nothin back
this love
its liquid gold to me
Your beauty, my eyes are all on You
I can't resist Your love
I'm overwhelmed
Jesus I can't go on without You.
oh Jesus you take my breath away.

Why are you downcast O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.
psalm 42:11

those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.
psalm 126:5

because Your love is better than life...
psalm 63:3

..

80's Baby.

2009-02-03T03:15:00.000-05:00

I was definitely made in the 80's.
So tonight we had 80's Prom with Young Life.

When we realized that the oldest Senior there was really born in 91' it made the leaders feel extremely old.
Hey wait, we're adults?? When did THAT happen??!!

I was sporting the infamous side ponytail with a royal blue dress [with attached shoulder pads] and black high heels. Along with the blue eye shadow and blush that scared many kids away.
It was totally awesome.
We sang Livin' on a Prayer, Free Fallin' etc.

If you can see in the background we were at Taco Bueno.
...we actually went out in public like this.

"Everybody have fun tonight, Everybody Wang Chung tonight!"

yes the clock is right, 3:15am... my life is nuts!
goodnight haha.

..

Marriage, chocolate, awkward joke.

2009-01-29T22:35:00.006-05:00

I wish you were sitting beside me tonight.
I'm alone in this house again.
This was expected since I am house sitting but being alone gets old fast.
It's nice to have time to myself but I need you.
I need voices around me and people cooking in the kitchen.
I need knocks on the door and laughter coming from my room.
Anyway I'm just saying I wish you were here.

I'm laying on my bed on my stomach eating some peanut mnm's [thanks mom] starring at the little black line flashing in wait for me to type something.
Music is coming from the player while the fan hums softly overhead.
It's the perfect scene for a great conversation.
One of deep questions and "what are you thinking right now?" kind of deals.
Sometimes I go thru life and there are moments I want to capture for later.
Because they would be the perfect scenes set up for the perfect moment or conversation or revelation or change in the core of who you are.

Who the heck is going to marry me?! I'm such a dreamer, even in the littlest things.
I can't even keep up with myself. haha.

Earlier this week I had drank all the milk in the fridge and since the carton was empty I sat it on the counter. The trash was full so I was going to wait to take the trash out to throw it away. I got distracted, life happened and the milk jug was pushed to the back of the counter. Tonight I see it sitting on the counter. So I open the lid to smash the carton to fit in the trash.
I then experienced the most G-d awful smell I have ever smelled in my life!!!
I screamed and jerked away and threw up a little in my mouth.
It was outta control. The smell stills lingers a little over the sink.
Ahem, so I learned my lesson. Don't put off today what should of been done YESTERDAY.
Live and Learn.

I still wish you were here, then I could of replayed the whole scene over for you in person.
And now I really wish you were here to share this bag of mnm's with me because I have control issues with chocolate. I can't stop!
Honestly... who is going to happen upon me in this lowly state and be brave enough to think.. hey she's a catch I'm going to marry her!
I pray for him, wherever you are dear, get prepared.
:]

Enough about me and my future husband and issues with chocolate... what do you think about me?
bahaha!

Alright, really.
I'm gonna make like a fetus and head out.
Ok really that is enough.

Goodnight.

..

I killed Him.

2009-01-26T17:31:00.003-05:00

My heart has been really hurting lately.
But it's a different hurt I've not experienced before.
I think Jesus has done an extreme work in my heart.
Because when I used to feel this way insecurity and doubt would continually flash before me but now I see the Truth of the situation and realize who I am.

My favorite ring split the other night.
I wear it on my left index finger.
It's silver with the words FEAR NOT written in black across it.
I pray I can find one like it or better to replace it.

I walked into the store today and was wondering around, checking out the rings and picture frames.
I stepped into a corner that had the coolest painted pictures.
They had such depth and meaning.
My eyes scanned the walls until I saw all of them.
I glanced down to see the pictures on the ground when I saw sitting in the corner a crown of thorns.
It was brutal and too real.
I slowly bent down and stared at the awful sight of it.
The thorns were long, thick and jagged. There were too many to count.
The image flashed in my mind of me pounding this torturous device into the precious head of Jesus.
I couldn't breathe. My eyes filled with tears as I bit my bottom lip.
But the Truth was too real to deny.
I killed Him. My sin slaughtered Him.
My eyes fill with tears even now.
I whispered that I was so sorry. I kept turning away and looking back.
It literally hurt to look at it.
To know that this was really jammed into His head.
And the mere fact that He didn't die just by that alone made my stomach sick.
My insides began to ache and my eyes were blurry with tears.
I stood back up and immediately felt a comforting strength around me.

Oh man, if we only know the depths that He has gone for us.
I cannot imagine. I'm not even sure I want to know.
To realize the seriousness of my sin.
The ugliness that drove Love to die.
To be murdered, broken, beaten, soaking in blood on a stick.

That without Jesus I am an ugly, sick, heartless, pervert.
That's the Truth. I am nothing without Him.
There is no purpose to me except Him.
In that store, face to face with the consequence of my sin was an awful experience.
But sometimes we need to see the ransom to understand the redemption.

Thank you Lord, for showing me myself without You.
I am so sorry. So truly sorry.
Thank You for saving me. Oh my heart rejoices with the thought!
Thank You for dying for me. Again I am so sorry.
Thank You for giving me a way out of hell.
Your Love has changed my life forever.
I can no longer deny that You are real.
I can no longer deny that Love exists.

Precious Friend, Savior, Love...
I know You love me.
My heart is whole in that thought.

..

it's a beautiful mess here...

2009-01-22T15:02:00.000-05:00

I've always been one to imagine.
To dream, to speak lavishly.
I love this part about me.
I see things thru a colorful dramatic veil.
I see life as a beautiful mess.
I've said that many times before.

My life, my relationship with Jesus, my friends...
everything around me could be falling apart but I always see the fantasy, the story to be told in it all.
Maybe it's my downfall, maybe it's my strength.

But the more I find out who I am, the more I love who I was made to be.
Even tho I'm not even close to finding out who I really am [who is?]
I like what I'm seeing.
I'm humbled and broken, but loved and grateful.
I'm confident and lovely, but shaken and scarred.
I'm a walking complex.
I like that I see a different person in the mirror each morning.
I see a forever little girl and this great big adventure.
Which I pray I never lose touch with.

I love songs that describe me, or the way life is going at that moment.
The one playing is exactly that. I'm glad I found it.

Who are you?
What are you becoming?
Do things need to change?
Are you too harsh or too soft?
Do your words bring Truth in Love?
There's always something to think about.
Something to bring to the table, something to talk about.
Questions to ask yourself.

This is me: ENFP, Champion

...They have a gift for interpreting stories, as well as for creating them, and thus often write in lyric, poetic fashion. Frequently they hear a call to go forth into the world and help others, a call they seem ready to answer, even if they must sacrifice their own comfort. [an INFP, which I slightly differ between]
They have what some call a "silly switch." They can be intellectual, serious, all business for a while, but whenever they get the chance, they flip that switch and become captain wildchild, the scourge of the swimming pool, ticklers par excellence. Sometimes they may even appear intoxicated when the "switch" is flipped.

what can I say...
haha.

find out for yourself: take the test.
leave a comment with your personality type :]

///////////////

Far far, there's this little girl
she was praying for something to happen to her
everyday she writes words and more words
just to spit out the thoughts that keep floating inside
and she's strong when the dreams come cause they
take her, cover her, they are all over
the reality looks far now, but don't go

every night she hears beautiful strange music
it's everywhere, there's nowhere to hide
but if it fades she begs
"oh Lord don't take it from me, don't take it"

just look at yourself now
deep inside
deeper than you ever dared
there's a beautiful mess inside

..

Ghosts of the Unreal.

2009-01-11T19:14:00.000-05:00

You were made for great things.
For lavish adventures.
For ridiculous endings.

Most of us don't ever see those adventures or grand endings.
Most of us never even wake up.

I had a dream this morning.
3 of them actually.
They all started the same, I woke up and walked the hall to the bathroom.
I talked with one of my friends in the shower then it ended.
I awoke again went to the bathroom and talked with my friend.
For the 3rd time it happened again.

When are we going to realize that this is all a fake.
Nothing here is real. Nothing you see lasts.
Nothing stands forever.
Why do I put so much faith in these meaningless things that I believe I love?
Why don't I yet understand that this is all fading away faster then I can grasp?
Why do I continue to hold expectations to others begging them to fulfill my love?
And become angry when humans cannot understand the yearnings of my heart.
Why do I place such precious things in front of Man when I know they will just get thrown back.
Why do I search after uplifting words from others when I know those are empty words that will just cover over the symptom of my bleeding heart.

I'm fading faster then I want to believe.
Life is but a mist of water.
It's over before it begins for most.

Don't you get it? Nothing you own will sustain you.
Nothing on earth can get us out of this.
We are in need of a Savior.

I don't want to be like most.
I was not made to live like this.
Don't you feel it too?
Don't tell me I'm alone in this, this burning ache for more.
More of the spiritual, more of the Love, more of the deep things I was made to know.

I must see thru the faze.
The faze of the unreal.
I've tasted a Reality so sweet my lips scream for another down pour.
WAKE UP, WAKE UP. Hear the souls bell ring.

This Love is real. His words stand forever.
We fade He remains.
Minutes slip away. Open your eyes.
See Him standing before you.
////////

If you listen just right, you can almost hear it.
The symphony of secrecy, love and fear.

Like a moth to a flame, we become helpless
To the beautiful ghosts
That true love sheds.

We are all running our very own races,
Set out upon the most dangerous of places.
And through it all, we were left
With a void in our chests,
We're aching to fill.

The doves come
To gather our every need,
They lift them up to Heaven
Through the mouths from which we speak.

God, will you help us understand the meaning of it all?
Will you send your Angels down to us, at our every call?
Sometimes it seems the world is passing us
Faster than my eyes can adjust.

I can't decide
If I'm living or I'm dying.
So I test Your Love and I test Your Love, I test Your Love
-Ghosts, Sleeping At Last

..

No, really I could of died!

2009-01-05T12:59:00.003-05:00

Late last night as I was getting out of my car I quickly hurried to the house.
It has been a creepy last two nights trying to sleep completely alone in this massive house.
So as I walked swiftly up to the front door, I saw someone run up behind me.
I was so terrified I froze then screamed like my life depended on it.
Still screaming in fear and frozen solid I soon realized it was my own shadow being cast upon the house when I accidentally stepped in front of the lawn light.

oh, ahem... haha.

..

Good Things...

2009-01-03T19:44:00.005-05:00

...will follow you.

I sat at the kitchen table and explained to the girl I mentor and her family that I will be moving out.
I was unexpectedly offered to house sit for an older couple on the Young Life committee for the local schools.
I was hesitant at first and sad.
Change seems to be ever present in my life these past few months.

Holding back tears I told them I would miss them terribly.
It's going to be extremely different going from a small house with 4 people to a large mansion by myself.

They said they were really excited for me. And they see great opportunities coming of this.
"Dear, good things will always follow you. Keep your trust in God and always do the right thing."
I smiled and nodded as she spoke those words to me.
When you're always telling yourself those things it gets old and after a while isn't encouraging but when you hear it from someone else it speaks volumes.

The new house is beautiful. I have the upstairs corner room with my own bathroom and walk in closet!
I was moving in today and felt really weird.
Lonely maybe, but weird definitely.

I do ask for your prayers.
That I won't be lonely in this new season in my life.
& that God will provide faithful friends.

thank you so much.

"surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life..."
-psalm 23:6

..

All Things are Possible.

2008-12-21T15:44:00.001-05:00

There will be things in your life that will not make sense.
And most of those things will deal with who you are and God.

You see when the angel appeared to Mary that fateful day [when she was to found out she was going to give birth to the Son of God] he immediately greeted her as 'highly favored one,the Lord is with you, blessed among women.'
At that she was perplexed. Umm.. what did you just say about me?
One translation of the bible it says: "she was greatly troubled and disturbed and confused at what he said and kept revolving in her mind what such a greeting might mean."

In all reality when someone walks into the room they usually don't say:
"Hello beautiful one, with such a good heart, you are loved!"

It would take you by surprise and you would probably laugh.
BUT what if that statement was true.

Listen with me for a minute.

When the angel appeared to Mary he immediately called out the things in her that he saw, the things of WHO SHE WAS.
And because Mary did not know who she really was, she was troubled and blushed at the thought of being highly favored and blessed among women.

She was a bit confused and seriously troubled as to why an angel of the Lord was with her. But what if she knew who she was. What if when the angel appeared to her and said those things, she knew the angel was from the Lord because he called her things she already knew about herself. So then when he went on to explain that she would in fact be the mother of the Son of God it wouldn't have shocked her as it did.
She would of been comfortable and confident in the mission place before her.

Another interesting thing is that the angel did not have to declare who he was to Mary. She immediately knew that he was a messenger of the Lord.
She saw that Lord was with him. He was confident in who he was, who he was made to be, a messenger of the Lord.

Think of it this way, if you will.
The angel knew who he was. Knew who he was created to be. So when God calls him and tells him to go tell Mary that she is going to give birth to Jesus, he didn't question.
Wait, what? Who me?
He heard what God asked of him and did it. Having full faith and trust in God that even though this sounded very radical and it might have to take a lot of explaining to do, he went ahead with his message to Mary because HE KNEW WHO HE WAS.

I desire to be like that.
I want to know who I am. Know what I'm called to do.
I want to have radical things take place in my life.
And when they do I don't want to be confused or question but instead be confident.

I want to call out things in others that are the Truth, so that they too might get a glimpse of who they really are.
And maybe in that I will find that that is what I was created to do.
Call out Truth. Lead others to Truth, in who they are, who Jesus is.

You are loved.
You are safe.
You are highly favored.
...

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean NOT on your own understanding.

..

Slouchy Hobo.

2008-12-12T21:03:00.001-05:00

Supposedly I'm one.

Slouchy Hobos write in a blog.
Slouchy Hobos work at Starbucks.
Slouchy Hobos are extremely tired.
Slouchy Hobos dye their hair often.
Slouchy Hobos miss their family.
Slouchy Hobos have the best family.
Slouchy Hobos win $100 gift cards at Young Life Christmas Parties.
Slouchy Hobos get surprise packages in the mail.
Slouchy Hobos are incredibly grateful.
Slouchy Hobos take pictures in bathrooms.
Slouchy Hobos know that they are loved.

I came home from an 11 hour work day to two boxes sitting by the door.
I opened it and saw the books and few shirts that my mom said she was going to send.
BUT THEN I saw it.
I dropped everything and screamed.
It was THE PERFECT BAG.
Only a few months ago I had seen a bag similar to this one.
I had really wanted to get it but I never had the money and it was never on sale.
I saw it here in town a few weeks ago and prayed that I could get it somehow.

Now here it was in my hands perfect color and all.
The style of the bag is called Slouchy Hobo.
I couldn't of asked for anything better.
My precious Aunt Lynn went early Christmas shopping for me and bought it.
And honestly this Christmas I wasn't expecting anything let alone THE PERFECT BAG!

My Aunt Karen and Uncle Jon also sent me chocolate which is ALWAYS the best idea to send a Slouchy Hobo.

Yeah, I'm excited.

I'm so grateful.
Thank you all so much.
..

Dirty Hands.

2008-12-10T17:29:00.000-05:00

We drove with the sun slowly setting behind us.
The evening concert was held in a beat up old warehouse down town.
The outside looked broken down and the remains of life were few.
We parked under a bridge and covered our ears when the train come screaming over head.

The concert was to help kids over in Africa. The Invisible Children to be exact.
There was good music and good conversations we were able to have with others standing around.
One girl had the word LOVE scribbled across her hand. Another guy wore a shirt that had a ripped up heart on the side.
We came from different places and all had a story of our own.

Michelle and I decided to leave early. We took pictures as we walked to our car under the bridge.
I looked up and saw an older gruff-looking homeless man walking swiftly away from us. When he saw me looking at him he threw his hands up and said, "no harm ma'am."
I just smiled and nodded my head.
I immediately wanted to know his name.
I walked up behind him, "Excuse me Sir."

He stopped and I asked if there was anything I could pray about for him.
He said, "just keep me in your prayers."
I asked him his name, "Darrell."
I reached my hand out and said it was nice to meet him.
He immediately jerked his hand back, "My hands are dirty, you don't want to shake my hand."
"Yes I do, that doesn't matter." I kept my hand stretched out towards him.
He looked at me then shook my hand.

As we both walked away he turned around and shouted, "remember me in your prayers, you are going to pray for me right?"
Yes Darrell, yes. I promise you I will pray for you.

I looked down at my hand covered in dirt. My palm was blackened.
He wasn't kidding when he said his hands were dirty.

<>.<>.<>.<>.<>

I talked with another kid earlier this week. He's on drugs, in an abusive home and weighs at least 50 pounds less then me.
He said, "I think that if Jesus were here He would love me and all my friends who deal with addictive behaviors and substance abuse problems."

Those words are so true it aches my heart.

I didn't care that Darrell's hands were extremely dirty with who knows what on them. I don't care that my friends strung out on drugs or that she cuts herself every night.
I DO CARE, but it doesn't hold me back from holding them, or getting beside them in the mud and sickness of sin.
They need help, we need help. They need to be told that they're right, they did mess up [we all did] but redemption is possible.
Rescue is coming.
You can be healed.
I want to get beside those people. I want to show Love in the middle of this hatred.
Because I've sat on the bench for too long.

I wanna hold the dirty hands.
don't you?
..

Food Inspector & Crowd Control.

2008-11-28T18:58:00.004-05:00

I'm so thankful for friends who are like family.
And for families who open their hearts to comfort yours.

Thanksgiving was great.
We went to this wonderful older lady's house.
She made us all name tags. There was about 17 people all together.
She also put a twin bed sheet as the table cloth and asked us to draw or write what we are thankful for.
In her living room were all the other bed sheets thru out the years.
It was really cool and something I think I will start when I have my own thanksgiving.

If any of you have a chance, stop by your nearest Starbucks to see all the hard work your lovely barsitas put into setting up for Christmas.
I left work at 1:30am thanksgiving morning and we still were not done.

Have you heard the new Fray song? It's call You Found Me.
It's intriguing. I believe he's crying out from his heart.
Questions, reasons, blames, confusion.

I really believe that singers and song writers need to be wise with their words.
Words have such a deep impact on others and songs just put strong emotions behind those words.
Their songs could be creating a false world or screaming truth.
just a thought....

helping make the eggs.

cody, kelly and I.
[he is the main Young Life leader.]

I'm thankful for you.
..

I'm not dead, just sick.

2008-11-26T19:47:00.002-05:00

I spent last night in the ER.
It's been a dramatic last few days.

Life just doesn't seem to stop being a movie for me.
It can get pretty interesting if I let it.
I had the cold symptoms with chest pains and stress combined and poof, you get a nice little trip to the city ER.
Thankfully I was with friends when it all hit me, so I didn't have to take myself there.
And I was able to watch a few episodes of The Office while I was there too.
I thought of my cousin Neal when the opening song came on and laughed thinking about how he always does his arm pumping action when the opening credits roll. haha.

Then after a good nights rest I was off to my 2nd job early this morning.
I work with Letter Perspectives. www.letterperspectives.com
And tonight I'm working for The Man 'secretly' decorating for the holiday season.
We're working late tonight so tomorrow the store will look all holidayed out.

I spent the weekend helping out with Urban Young Life.
They had a weekend retreat for the kids.
At the end of the night we had a dance off. It was hilarious!

During one of the talks on the retreat, the leader spoke about how he has seen the kids at their worst.
He looked into the eyes of the kids and said: "I've seen you at your worst. When you're drunk, when you're pregnant, when your parents have kicked you out, after you cussed out your teacher, when you've dealt drugs, when you're high... I've seen it all and I've seen it all with you. But I still love you. You are so precious to me... and God sees you the same way."

I watched as many tough guys shed tears and girls cried on their friend's shoulder.
I even cried because it's a beautiful thing when someone realizes the depths of Love.
That's what life is all about.
Realizing how much you are loved.
Until you fully grasp that truth, life is somewhat meaningless.

to be loved is to be fully alive.

laura, myself and kelly.
two other leaders with Young Life.

**to those who have emailed me: I will be responding soon. I am sorry it has taken me forever.

..

Preaching to myself.

2008-11-18T18:46:00.002-05:00

It's been a hell of a week/weekend.
There are a lot of things I don't understand at the moment.
I feel very stressed and sad.

But those are just emotions.
The truth is that I'm going to be more then ok.
My heart has been beaten up but I'm so glad I'm alive.
Really I am.
I'm just so thankful for a lot of things in my life.
Even tho it sucks right now I'm so grateful.
I laugh even writing that.

I've heard some really good things lately that I'm going to pass on:

"You are a slave to love. You are a slave to love. You do not have any rights. You think you have the right to be mad? To be unforgiving? Let me ask you this: when you came to the cross of Jesus Christ, did you forget to get on? The Bible says "I have been crucified with Christ." That means I lay down my life, I lay down my rights. I am a slave to love. I must love. I do not have a choice.
You were born to love." -Justin Trump

-The holiest man who ever lived was the most abused, do you expect better treatment than he does?

-Can you remember the last time you pushed the plate away, and said "no, I've got to spend more time with God."?

-3 billion people in this world have never heard of the name of Jesus Christ. Nobody gives a shit. You probably care more that I just said the word 'shit' than the fact that 3 billion people don't know Jesus Christ.

-Can you remember the last time you couldn't sleep, because men were dying without Jesus?

dang.

Sometimes I need to be slapped with truth.
Sometimes I wish I could slap other people with truth.
Or maybe just slap them, not necessarily with truth.

remember you're a slave to love.... a slave to love.
haha :]

If you're reading this then I probably miss you a lot and wish I could be talking to you instead of over the internet.

fill me up with Your love...
this heartache is worth it. His love is always worth it.
..

2008-11-16T01:21:00.003-05:00

God wants me to tell you something:

He is very fond of you.

..

I was born into war.

2008-11-11T18:20:00.004-05:00

Every thought a battle. Every choice waiting for me in eternity.
Every word hanging in the balance of my not-so-distant future.
Every action creating rippling affects.

My heart is a bleeding mess.
I'm on the front lines as I watch my 'friends' retreat.
What am I really fighting for?
Do I have the right weapons?
I just want peace.

I heard it said that once we realize we were born into war we will be able to handle life more effectively day to day.
Because everything is a battle.
right and wrong.
good and evil.
Love and hate.

Something is battling for my heart. My mind. My time. My life.
And I want to be effective in these times.
I want to stand for something & not give in.

I must realize that I'm not fighting against you.
Because the fight was never between me and you.
[We were created to be one together, you know]
It's that part that we were all born with.
The part that makes you mock me. The part that wants you to cut me a cheap deal.
The part that whispers, no one is looking.

We all have that part inside us. Some hide it better then others.

I've begun to wake up every morning being grateful my eyes opened.
That there is air in my lungs.
My fight still continues.

I'm very tired. Emotionally tired.
Love hurts. It cuts deep.
But it's worth it.

I'm fighting for you to see.
To see Love as He truly is.
Not some unrealistic idea who is distant and cold.
But something that changes hearts.
Love that gives purpose to these battles.
That comes along side & gives hope and courage in the dark days.
Because there are many dark days and many who have no hope.

When the battle seems too gruesome and the blood has drenched your clothes.
And the white flag of surrender seems like the only comforting friend...
just remember that we win.

yes, we win.

the hill of victory is just ahead.
And I want you standing beside me on that day.
don't give up. don't think otherwise. rescue is on His way.

..

what do I know?

2008-11-03T17:40:00.000-05:00

It's been a tough weekend.
Why is it that when you follow your heart there are always those who want to bash you in?
I'm so thankful for those tho, who are a soft place to land.
High school kids [especially girls] can be so cruel.
Words can cut so deep and so quickly.
Within seconds the whole atmosphere of a room can change.

Growing up is weird.
It's really different then I expected.
I'm glad I'm in this season in my life tho. It's good to be alive.

I had my first 'training' session today at The Man.
Can I just say how hilarious I think it is that I have this job?
I used to have serious issues with this place.
They wanted all your money, made you feel retarded and was trying to take over the world.
That's not true by the way.

Since reading my employee manual I have come to really appreciate this company.
The people I work with are pretty awesome. My managers are really chill and seem to like me a lot.
I'm actually excited to wake up at 3:30am to work there....
yeah I did just say 3:30am.

Lately I've been learning that when it comes to life and being a leader and Jesus I can be pretty clueless. [coming from the girl who hates to admit she might be wrong]
I can be doing really great in an area and then bam! the rug gets pulled out and I'm completely taken back.

When times like this happen I wanna cling to Jesus. I want to hide behind Him almost. I don't have anyone here. I don't have a house where I can feel 'at home'.
I have nothing except Him.
That is a comforting thought.
What I'm realizing is that I don't really know all that I thought I knew.

But I do know I serve a God who made me to love me.
And I will always be the apple of His eye.
I know He made my days and purposed them to glorify Him.
That I know.

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood but the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out.
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about how You were mighty to save.
Those were only empty words on a page.
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be.
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life it's name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

..

Grande Nonfat No Water Chai please, thankyou.

2008-10-29T14:15:00.001-04:00

You are now reading the blog of a girl who works for The Man. [Starbucks]
I start training next Monday.
Now on to find khaki or black pants long enough for my abnormal inseam length.
[37" if you were wondering] but I'm gonna try to sneak buy with a 36".
IF I can find any that length in the first place.

It's getting chilly here and I've come down with a slight cold.
And when I say slight I mean non stop coughing, constantly feeling nauseous,
runny nose, eyes watering, fatigued, and muffled hearing.
But no, really I'm fine. Nothing a gallon of orange juice can't fix by the morning.

We had the Young Life banquet this past Sunday. It went really well.
I was in charge of the middle school kids. [why?!?]
I had to keep them in the back room until it was time to run on stage.

Reason #54 why I do not want children: they will eventually be in middle school and I-just-can't-handle-that.
I think hell is filled with middle schoolers.
The weeping and gnashing of teeth sounds about right.

On another note... I love the church I attend.
It's amazing. Convicting and encouraging.
I want ya'll to come with me sometime.

I've been tagged:
7 interesting facts about you.

1. I hate bathrooms/restrooms. They disgust me. I want nothing to do with them. I would rather hold it until I am physically forced to go.
2. I take a personality test often, as in a few times a month.
3. I do not like coffee. I've tried to like it and failed.
4. I set my alarm at night twice before going to bed.
5. I go on 'music binges' where I want to be listening to music ALL THE TIME.
6. I can't remember the last time I've gone to bed before midnight.
7. I love names and what they mean.

I tag YOU.
Leave a comment with 7 interesting facts about you :]

..

2008-10-24T13:02:00.001-04:00

I'm so forgetful but You always remind me.
So I come to tell you I love you.
To tell You I need you.
To tell You there's no better place for me then in Your arms.
I'm sorry for running in circles,
for placing my focus on the waves not on Your face.
You're the only one who brings me peace.

In the midst of troubles I always try to keep my mind busy.
I don't want to dwell on the circumstances.
This is often more of a problem then helpful.
I think others call it denial?
haha.
anyway, I've been keeping myself busy and trying to focus on right things.
But I think more often then not I even keep myself busy from Jesus.
I ignore the whisper to settle down and listen.
The little signs thru out the day to be still.
I keep pushing forward trying to get thru this season or mess as quickly as possible.

A few days ago we went to a small town festival. There was a lot of things to see. Some really good, free snacks [that we took total advantage of] and cool photo opportunities.
We were walking around and something caught my eye. It was written on the back of the stage not in clear view. I read it, then re read it. Then let it sink in.

Thank You for reminding me.

Every morning I read a book called God Calling.
Simply stated this is what I read yesterday morning:

You must trust to the end. You must be ready to go on trusting to the last hour. You must know even when you cannot see... You must be ready, like My servant Abraham, to climb that Hill of Sacrifice, to go to the very last moment, before you see My Deliverance.
This final test has to come to all who walk by Faith. You must rely on Me alone. Look to no other arm, look for no other help. Trust in the Spirit Forces of the Unseen, not in those you see. Trust and fear not.

..

corazón dolorido.

2008-10-20T15:50:00.000-04:00

I feel as though my heart has exploded.
Life doesn't make sense right now.
This has been an emotionally trying week.
But it's not just happening to me, it's being poured out upon every one close to me.
The girls, my family, close friends.

Deception, lies, hardness, confusion, under attack.

It breaks my heart when I get phone calls in the middle of the night with the other end in tears. I don't understand.
I don't understand how people can be so blind in their actions.

I hate sin.
It's so gross. So destructive. So painful. So evil.

I went to church this past Sunday with Alex.
We were late and missed worship. I was really disappointed.
But before they went into the lesson the Pastor asked to sing another song.
He said he can feel people in here who don't understand.
Who need a miracle.
Who feel a bit helpless.
Tears filled my eyes as I prayed for all the situations I knew of where there 'seems' no hope, too painful to deal with or where confusion has taken over.

I know I'm on to something though. My girls are on to something.
My family is being attacked.
There is something not wanting me to be here.
It's not wanting my girls to live for Jesus.
It's trying to break my family apart.

Because if we weren't doing something right none of this would be happening.

I was telling one of the girls late Friday night with tears in my eyes that I will always love Jesus. Even in this confusion and stress. In the midst of battle I will march forward in love.
I often think of Jesus and the agony He went through. The stress of knowing what He was called to do. And He did it all in joy and love.
He did it to get us.
To be with us. forever.

I will give Him the reward of His suffering:
Me. Us. You.

Jesus is so faithful. He can be trusted.
..

I survived Roe vs. Wade.

2008-10-14T12:37:00.001-04:00

On Sunday a few of the girls wanted to take me to a french bakery for lunch.
It was very crowded. We found a little table in the back room.
Families dressed for church surrounded us on all sides.

The conversation started about an unwed celebrity in the media who is supposedly pregnant with her second baby.
One of the girls made the remark, "I wonder if she thought of having an abortion."
"She probably did." I said.

The girls asked me what I thought and what an abortion actually is.
I put down my water and told them what I knew.
The look on their faces were of complete horror and disgust.
"I had no idea." was one of the responses.

We finished and went home but this conversation has stayed with me longer.
I picked up a book called Pro Life Answers to Pro choice Arguments.
It is amazing. It's so black and white in this trying-to-be gray world.
It has caused me to think...

When all of our protesting and prayers and arguments are finally answered with a resounding YES ABORTION IS NOW ILLEGAL what are we gonna do?
Because, people who love Jesus, there is going to be a lot of babies born to women who do not want them.
What are we gonna do?
We need to get prepared.
Are we gonna sit back down and say, Amen! finally our cries have been heard and then do nothing?
Or are we gonna go back out and open our homes to foster babies, or give money to adoption agencies to help families who don't have the money to adopt.
Will you open your home to the women whose boyfriend kicks her out because she is choosing to have the baby instead of just killing it?
The stats show that if only 7% of 'christians' would adopt there would be no orphans in the world.

How are you being Pro Life instead of just saying that you are?

Once our cries have been heard and the genocide that's happening to these innocent lives is stopped there is going to be a bunch of other issues that come up and we need to be prepared to deal with them.

When Roe vs. Wade was put into practice the odds were against me to be born alive.
And for most of my generation they didn't make it.
Who knows, my best friend or future husband could of been killed.
And that makes me very angry.

so, Thanks Mom. Thank you for letting me live and making me a survivor.
I'm so thankful I'm alive. Even in the bad times I'm glad I'm here at this time.

and I'm thankful these crazy girls made it too :]
life would be awfully different without them.

..

pictures, birthdays, I need a job.

2008-10-10T00:10:00.001-04:00

After only 2 hours of sleep last night I picked up the girls as we went to Taylor's house to surprise her with breakfast for her birthday before school.
IHOP was restaurant of choice.
After school the girls all came over to see Michelle.
[on tuesday she had knee surgery for a torn ACL and will be on bed rest for the next week]
We surprised Taylor again with a cake from Baskin Robbins, though we told her we made it ourselves & presents from each of us.

myself, Jub[Jessica but we call her Jub], Alex & Taylor @ IHOP.

..
Michelle & Taylor.

..

..
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Alex went with me on Sunday to check out a church I wanted to see.
It was good. I'm interested to hear more.
We're going back next week with a few more of the girls.

Friday night the high school football game is going to be filmed by the local news station and they want everyone to come.
I'm still debating about going.
1] Michelle will be home and can't go.
2] football games here cost $7 stinkin bucks!
For a kid who doesn't have a job yet my 15 seconds of fame on the news might have to be held off until later.

here's one with a few of the girls on Homecoming.

..
"hey girls, what would I do?" haha.

goodnight
..

healing rain.

2008-10-07T13:32:00.005-04:00

"I suppose that since most of our hurts come through relationships so will our healing." -The Shack.

I've only lived here a week so far but most kids know my name and I'm starting to link faces to names, names to stories and stories to wounds.

Last night was the first Young Life club I attended.
They spoke about this Jesus guy and how He showed compassion to a woman caught in the act.
Everyone was curious as to what Jesus actually wrote in the sand before He spoke to her accusers. And I bet as He leaned down to write in the sand beside the naked ashamed woman He wrote: watch this.
And with that then turned and completely blew everyone away showing her Love and Compassion.

After that we all went to Taco Bueno. As we were in the parking lot talking with a few kids it started to down pour. They all started to run inside when myself and another girl stayed out there running around playing.
When everyone saw what we were doing they all came back out!
There was about 20 kids all together out there totally soaked.
It was so fun!

After the rain calmed down and everyone was getting freezing cold we went inside and had some awesome tacos.
But as I was sitting there watching all the kids tell their stories of what happened in the rain and who fell in what puddle and that they drove their parents car tonight and will be killed when they take it home totally wet.. I thought of something.

This is ministry.

Living life with these kids. Everyday in and out building relationships with the broken and hurting. The kids who would never tell you what's actually going on at home but you can see it in their eyes. The kids who don't want to be thrown a bible story but just listened to.
They want to be loved but they would never tell you that.
They just want someone to come along side of them and live life.
I believe that's where we're here to do.
When the kids experience heartache and embarrassment we turn to them and say: hey watch this. As we show them acceptance and mercy & how Jesus can really change things.
If we aren't showing it to them, who is?

I heard it said somewhere that we are suppose to hold our hands against the bleeding wounds of the world.
It's a messy job but the healing to come is worth it.

love like it's worth the pain.

..

home alone.

2008-10-04T23:33:00.000-04:00

Michelle and I went to one of the girls [Taylor] bball games today.
They won! I was so proud of her. She was so aggressive.
I was impressed.

A few of us had a very interesting and slightly intense conversation about politics today. It really bothers me that people can get so aggressive about this topic. Something is not ok. Honestly.. I am curious as to what the real issue is here.

All the girls are at the formal homecoming dance tonight.
I helped them get ready & let them wear my jewelry and shoes that matched better with their dresses.
They all ate at Olive Garden with their dates. I was home relaxing when I got a phone call from one the girls asking if I wanted to come eat with them! so precious.

..

..
The homecoming game last night was hilarious.
I saw Cody with his Young Lifers and we went crazy.
People had air horns and... [well, I should say I had an air horn]
But everybody loved it, except the woman behind me.
They won with only seconds to go. It was intense.

I love this city at night. There is a certain point on the main street if you get stopped at the light you can see the whole city in front of you.
It's almost like the city is in a valley.
And at night it's so awesome.

FYI: I've been eating at places here that I haven't been to before or heard of in my hometown. And Taco Bueno has become a favorite. It completely beats out Taco Bell any day.

Hopefully checking out a new Church tomorrow with one of my girls.
I'll letchya know how that goes.

..

that's a bold move.

2008-10-02T20:14:00.002-04:00

I had the meeting with Cody, the Young Life leader.
It went extremely well.
This guy loves Jesus intensely.

He is really excited to get me involved with the kids.
I'm really excited too. It seems perfect.
Exactly the type of hands on ministry I want to get involved in.

I'll be going to the high school homecoming football game this friday.
They want me to meet more of the kids there.
I'll be sure and take pictures.

He asked why I moved here and I said I wanted to get closer to the girls and just live life with them.
He kind of laughed and said "Well that's a pretty bold move, moving out here all by yourself."

Yeah, I guess it is.

plans for tonight: watch the debate with some of the girls.
and hopefully The Office. only ONE girl here watches it...
I was shocked. haha.

goodnight.

..

come and listen.

2008-10-01T12:20:00.000-04:00

"Let me tell you what He has done for me
[what] He has done for you
[what] He has done for us"

I'm finally here. It's almost strange how I've simply fit into this city. I already could give you directions if you got lost here. I think that is in part due to my some what photographic memory.

a few nights ago the girls took me to Taco Bueno to see all of their friends.
that was quite the scene. haha.
I met with the Young Life leader for the schools here in town and we are having a meeting this week.
He said he would love for me to help out.

I've picked up on a lil bit of spanish, since I live with a Hispanic family.

I've been able to talk with some girls since I've arrived.
they are very open to letting me listen to them and get involved in their lives.
that is a huge blessing that I pray continues.

I'm hopeful and scared.
I wonder if Jesus was ever those at the same time as well?

everything is coming together.
life is a terrible beautiful mess.
but one that I am thankful to have.

& i miss these ones very much...

..

kick butt, take names.

2008-09-17T17:53:00.003-04:00

I have been overly angry the past 2 days.
I've always been an aggressive person.
I become enthused when there is a debate going on.
I've been bold in what I stand for.
& especially in high school I loved the competition of sports.
To the point in a few of my soccer games my coach told me to "shut up and sit down."

But the past 2 days have been a new experience for me.
I'm down right pissed off at the injustice going on around me.
I'm angry that people are not being heard.
I'm angry that we are being lied to.
I'm angry that apathy has taken over.
I'm angry that people are using 'the law' to justify their actions.
I'm angry that news media only shows you what they want you to see.
I'm angry that children are being sold out of the back of vans in NYC for sex, among other things.
I'm still angry that China's women gymnastics cheated in the Olympics.
I'm angry that people think we have 'a right to' whatever.
the list could go on...

I see things I don't want to see and hear things I don't want to hear and I feel almost helpless. There is SO MUCH injustice in the world. What can I do?

I'm just really angry because of the world we live in.
And it's all because of our CHOICES
& things we just let happen.

ugh...
maybe I'll just become an activist.
a good one.

...

free to leave.

2008-09-04T14:25:00.003-04:00

the past week has been glorious and dramatic.
early last week my friend was stranded in Memphis TN so I made a middle of the night trip to get her.
I love traveling and do it whenever I have the chance. It was great to see her and hear what's going on in her life.

from months and months of set backs and years of waiting.. as of yesterday afternoon I can say that I am the humble owner of a brand new 08 Honda Civic. I can't believe this. It was so hard to accept. To just take this car.. everything paid in full and drive away with it. I felt immense guilt and frustration. After all the years praying for this very thing I now have.. I'm having a hard time accepting it.

I did NOTHING to get this car. I didn't do anything to DESERVE this. Nothing justifies me getting this car. And I feel helpless.
[don't get me wrong I am so incredibly thankful and forever grateful for this car]

In feeling this way I think I understand my salvation more. The seriousness of the price paid for me. That my salvation is a gift.
I knew that but I didn't KNOW it. Sometimes I feel so childish.

the cool news is that I am now free to leave the state. This car was the only thing holding me back from moving and now it's here.

I drove home last night tears streaming down and I felt freedom.

"you're free to leave."

ahhhh!!!
life is changing and I don't have control of it.
haha like I ever had control in the first place...

::Growth means change and change involves risk, stepping from the known to the unknown::

...

perfect day.

2008-08-22T20:10:00.006-04:00

i've never had one of those. a perfect day.
but this afternoon might have come close.

i had one of those mornings. one of those mornings that one phone call changes your life kind of morning. like a huge stamp falls from the sky with the words 'LIFE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME' and slammed itself against my makeup of this little life that has been given me.

i've been trying to erase those words all day.

i was laying on the couch about to drift off into one of those good afternoon naps. the ones when you wake up feeling really refreshed and almost as if it's a new day, like the morning never happened...

when the phone rang again. my precious friend with a tender heart asked if i would accompany her to the well out in the country. she told me to bring my journal.
i didn't want to go. i didn't feel like going. i didn't want to think to then write it down.
but i said i'd go.

we sat on the old cement drain that leads to the river. i plugged my earphones in and drifted away. i don't really remember what i read or what it was that caught my attention i just remember hearing these words:

"but remember... I love you."

shortly after taking pictures and laughing about nothing we got in the car with the windows down and drove until the sun just about set. no one said a word but music and life was blaring from that tiny car.

life will never be the same.

but i will always be loved.
& that makes life perfect.

...

happy mother's day!

2008-05-09T20:45:00.003-04:00

I told Eli to tell us everything he loves about his mommy. this is what he came up with:

I caught this photo when I told them mommy would be home any minute:

2008-05-04T01:01:00.002-04:00

"I remember the first time I had feelings for Jesus.

... and I remember sitting at my desk, and I don't know what it was that I read... but I felt a love for Him rush through me, through my back and into my chest. I started crying...

I remember thinking that I would follow Jesus anywhere, that it didn't matter what He asked me to do. He could be mean to me; it didn't matter, I loved Him, and I was going to follow Him.

I think the most important thing that happens within Christian spirituality is when a person falls in love with Jesus.

Sometimes, when I go forward at church to take Communion, to take the bread and dip it in wine, the thought of Jesus comes to me, the red of His blood or the smell of His humanity, and I eat the bread and wonder at the mystery of what I am doing, that somehow, I am one with Christ, that I get my very life from Him, my spiritual life comes from His working inside me, being inside me.

... I think the difference in my life came when I realized, after reading those Gospels, that Jesus didn't just love me out of principle; He didn't just love me because it was the right thing to do.

Rather, there was something inside me that caused Him to love me.

I think I realized that if I walked up to his campfire, He would ask me to sit down, and He would ask me my story. He would take time to listen to my ramblings or my anger until I would calm down, and then He would look me directly in the eye, and He would speak to me; He would tell me the truth, and I would sense in His voice and the lines in His face that He liked me. He would rebuke me too, and tell me that I have prejudices against religious people and that I need to deal with that;

He would tell me that there are poor people in that world and that I need to feed them and that somehow this will make me happy. He would tell me what my gifts are and why I have them...

I think He would explain to me why my father left, and He would point out clearly all the ways God has taken care of me throughout the years...

The first generation out of slavery invented Jazz music. It is music birthed out of freedom. And that is the closest thing I know to Christian spirituality. A music birthed out of freedom.

Everybody sings their songs the way they feel it, everybody closes their eyes and lifts their hands."

[Donald Miller - Blue Like Jazz]